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Coloured Shades In The Grey Matter... Repetiton ...
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Coloured Shades In The Grey Matter... Repetiton ... |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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I am sailing Sailing With storm-winds With the winds of hope Sailing Into the wide oceans Into the crimsoned morning light Exploring, Seeking tomorrow's island. ~ I am flying Flying With eagle-wings With wings of the night Flying Into the blue skies Into the heightened white clouds Soaring, Desiring to conquer the land. ~ I am dreaming Dreaming With angel-strings With the strings of love Dreaming Into the purple haze Into the entranced rainbow world Imagining, Wanting to hold a fairy's hand. ~ [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 08-17-2000).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Ola Sudhir! Ok, first, I had to read these as three poems, joined into one. I think probably as you intentioned. I did like the repetition of "dreaming" etc... I didn't like the repetition of the stanzas like: With storm-winds With the winds of hope To me, this is unecessary and doesn't feel to help much... or help much to feel... or feeling the help.. no, that's a different topic.  Anyway, I think you could have skipped the repitition here and done something like the following, (and please excuse my presumption for "rewriting" your poetry!  ) With storm-winds Along the tides of hope Sailing Into wide oceans Toward crimsoned morning light Exploring, Seeking tomorrow's island. *LOVE this line!* ~ I am flying Flying With eagle-wings Along whispers of the night Flying Into blue skies Through heightened white clouds Soaring, Desiring to conquer the land. ~ I am dreaming Dreaming With angel-strings Along the tune of love Dreaming Into the purple haze Over an entranced rainbow world Imagining, Wanting to hold a fairy's hand. ~ I did love the imagery here as well. You often manage to produce a unique way of saying things! |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hey Sudi, do you mind if I call you Sudi? Anyway, I loved your poem, some wonderful imagery  I have to agree with Christopher's dislike to.... With storm-winds With the winds of hope to me it just didn't flow as easily as the other stanza's, I'm afraid that I'll have to agree with the way Chris re-wrote that stanza But that was the only part you have a terrfic poem and like I said the imagery is wonderful, it blew me away Thanks Sudi  Maree |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Guess what I like Chris's version better too... but these are not meant to be read as three separate poems... the title should link the poems at least that's what I thought... they are "shades in the mind"... though the title is too haughty and high-handed, I agree... grey matter et al... and Maree you can call me all the names you can think of thanks to both of you for your kind words and help with this one... A reworked version follows in the next reply... regards, sudhir |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
I am sailing Sailing With storm-winds Swimming the tides hope Sailing Into wide oceans Towards crimsoned morning light Exploring, Seeking tomorrow's island. ~ I am flying Flying With eagle-wings Singing lullabies of the night Flying Into blue skies Amid heightened white clouds Soaring, Desiring to conquer the land. ~ I am dreaming Dreaming With angel-strings Strumming tunes of love Dreaming Into the purple haze Colouring an entranced world Imagining, Wanting to hold a fairy's hand. ~ now is this better, me thinks yes... what about you? - thanks |
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