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Philip's Poems - discussion
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Philip's Poems - discussion |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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Other-worldly I dress to leave. The rhythm, rhyme and flow The rhythm, rhyme and flow. Time to go Time to go. We shared our love, our lust, our time, but never shared our minds, We shared our adulthood and teens, but never shared our dreams. Luggage, tension and male precision, Smash up the rhythm, rhyme and flow the rhythm, rhyme and flow. En-tranced I take the wheel. The rhythm, rhyme and flow The rhythm, rhyme and flow. He'll never know He'll never know the rhythm saturated sea in which I bathe the real me, Where wave tops wave in curling sound so far from his unyielding ground. Road-maps, tension and male derision, Disrupt the rhythm, rhyme and flow the rhythm, rhyme and flow. Mesmerically I feed the gas. The rhythm, rhyme and flow The rhythm, rhyme and flow. Too fast too slow Too fast too slow. The rubber beat of tyres on seams metronomically feeds my dreams, The shush and shush and shush and shush of air squeezed as we rush and rush. Male screams, metal screams and momentary pain, Break the rhythm, rhyme and flow the rhythm, rhyme and flow. More clearly now I feel the beat, Red pumping life, red staining seat, And rivers flow and merge and meet my thigh the spring, the sea my feet, As day collapses other light invades my mind but blinds my sight, And feeling goes and feelings come and once so old and now so young, Time passes; slows, so long, and long I drown in my arterial song, And whisper out an age held breath and smile to know the life of death, Then loose my hold and slide below become the rhythm, rhyme and flow the rhythm, rhyme and flow the rhythm, rhyme and flow time to go time to go ***** Quote Philip: 'is the formal repetition of a villanelle allowed?' Temporal Illusion Resist the tempting lilt of time's long blast, Awake from ether years that tick away, No now, no then, no later and no last. To you who sit and comfortably fast and vainly wait for morrow's fattening day, Resist the tempting lilt of time's long blast. To those who suck dry marrow of the past, Throw down the dusty bones, arise and say No now, no then, no later and no last. And you who glut on certainty must cast beyond the present garnish, and then may Resist the tempting lilt of time's long blast. Spurn paltry centuries and stand not aghast while little minutes seem to go astray, No now, no then, no later and no last. Let me but glimpse a lie so old and vast, Then armed in understanding light I pray, Resist the tempting lilt of time's long blast. No now, no then, no later and no last. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
In as much as I love them and despite the fact I think using a villanelle is cheating and somewhat high handed for use in this challenge,(lol-should we expect less from our british friend?) I shall nonetheless give this one its due; which requires me to say how good I think it is. There I said it. (glad that part is over) "To those who suck dry marrow of the past, Throw down the dusty bones, arise and say" --as fine a phrase as I have read,,-- "Then armed in understanding light I pray"-- this one seemed out of tune with the rest of the poem, but that is something that is simply personal preference I suppose.. I would have preferred something other than a word that that evokes hostility-- perhaps the tired old cliche'-( knowing how you hate them Philip)- "bathed in understanding light"-- or perhaps since it is followed with prayer-- "kneeling in understanding light I pray"--- but again that is just me, and I am probably just imposing my own preferences upon a fine poem. Challenge not only met but far exceeded Philip,,, I see so few villanelle in here and this one was outstanding. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Well I am shutting up really shutting up For this is way beyond me or I You deserve to You do deserve to critique and me to listen and we to listen... well, I will come back and see if I can hit some nail somewhere in your work(s)....  regards, sudhir |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Not too huge a fan of the Villanelle, but the first...!!! Amazing "story" there. I was hooked all the way through, and I think in a good portion due to the repetition. Everything but the repetition of "the rhythm, rhyme and flow." That one... honestly... after the first couple of repetitions, my mind just automatically jumped over them and skimmed to the next part. It wasn't on purpose, I swear! But the intermittent repetitions held me in their power! ie: "time to go/time to go" I felt the changing meaning of it throughout, and in the final repetition was all but floored by the power of what it meant. Oh, and one more thing 'fore I leave off here... "Smash up" really didn't fit well for me. It seemed too "light" in contrast to the rest of the import and words in the piece. Overall, rock away! I love this. Powerful, powerful... "tragedy...?" Don't know how to feel about the ending...Like much I do. Made me think. Me like thinking. Me like lots. [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jamie Thanks for looking at the villanelle ..it was incredibly hard to write .. by far the most challenging thing i've tried to do... It's quite amazing that you seized on the line you did as being out of place .. i hadn't read your reply till this morning ~blush~ but last night i was reviewing the poem and decided that that particular line was "wrong". Mainly, i admit, i didn't much like "pray" ..but i take on board your point about "armed" as well ..(also with the benefit of 6 months experience ..lol ..i guess "armed in understanding" could be termed cliche in itself ...HORROR!!) ... that was a great help jamie ..thanks very much indeed.. and Chris .. how could you NOT like the villanelle ~pout~ .....LOL... no but seriously, tell me, is it just my inept writing, or the subject matter, or the form, or what? For instance do you like DT's "Do not go Gentle ..." ... be interested to hear? as for your comments on the other effort ... to be honest i squirm a little when i read this several months after it was written .. i don't like it that much i suppose ~sigh~ .. i guess i was experimenting a lot at the time trying to find out what i liked doing.. ....... still, parts of it are ok .. i quite like the ending ... you are, though, absolutely right about "smash up" .. it's just too colloquial and "telly" i guess i was trying to go for the sound ..y'know a powerful disrupting two syllables two stresses to contrast with the iambic flow in the main stanzas ... so busy thinking about sound i guess i forgot about other considerations like usage and meaning.... thanks for that chris .. as for being a "tragedy" .. umm i guess at one level it's sad .. all loss (death) has sadness associated with it i suppose .. but the poem is of course looking beyond the superficial sadness of the crash and her unhappy marriage to what is waiting afterwards .. thus the word "become" which you correctly latched onto ... sort of quasi religious undertones - life after death etc etc ... but what a life? becoming poetry itself?...lol.. is it possible ??????? ok i'll shut up now ..... thanks to both, and to you sudhir for your very kind remarks philip |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
PS ... soooo chris ..what happened to the sexy vest !!??...lol ... i see you deleted yourself before coming in here ... didn't want to distract us all.... eh?  p |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Oh, and sorry for forgetting to put my clothes on before coming in here... LOL |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Good timing on that one... if great minds think alike, then what just happened here???  |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK gerritorffffffffff ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ great minds AND bodies if ya please .. why do things by halves .....heh heh ohh i do so like a bit of levity first thing on a dull english monday .. kinda penetrates the smog y'know p [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
why indeed ......hence the double post ...lol now where's that coffee? ...gawd |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Well MP, you know that I loved this poem (the first one) The rhythm rhyme and flow, the rhythm rhyme and flow.... reading this throughout the poem, gave it it's flow, to me it sang, even though it is a sad poem. The descriptions and imagery was excellent, loved it all, but especially loved this ..... the rhythm saturated sea in which I bathe the real me, Where wave tops wave in curling sound so far from his unyielding ground. WOW! and the ending, how she becomes the poem, the rhythm rhyme and flow hmmm wonderful. Excellent work my friend  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
CURSES! Errrrrrrrrrrrr...this is perhaps humbling , no actually just plain annoying - but well, I agree with C on everything he said...sigh.The 'smash up' - errrk. The 'rhythm, rhyme and flow' - my eyes just went jumpityjump in the end SP... (No time to do the Villanelle thing right now) And rivers flow and merge and meet my thigh the spring, the sea my feet, As day collapses other light invades my mind but blinds my sight, And feeling goes and feelings come and once so old and now so young, Time passes; slows, so long, and long I drown in my arterial song, Now THIS WOOOOOW...phew...blow me away... just exquisite (yes - I am gushing here lol) This passage took me to another world and you know how hard that is for me to achieve when reading poetry...I mean truly transported. My critical eye closed... I am impressed. Now anywho - the repetition. Effective, though as already stated, in my mind slightly overdone when concerning 'rhythm...' yet I am sure you have many heady reasons why it is purely necessary to the efficacy of your poem. Do tell... K |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
HEY!! I said 'Do TELL' ????????????? LOL |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I will I promise ..but not now...lol and i also promise to get back on the other poems .. and even to christopher ..heh but not now i travleth north for a few days... see ya later P |
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