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Drifting (metaphor challenge)
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Drifting (metaphor challenge) |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida 
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A transient whole adrift on transparent wings of always and now, to touch upon the cheek, the neck to glide through hair, fingerless Drawn to lips, perfect pulled to soft and supple past honey’d suckle and wine laid in soft rest, down beyond want or need - content Sharing an outside unseen in the ebb and flow of give and take, unknown known in each self to imprint a path once traveled Memoried need sated, pushing skyward and away - over tongue held silent by weighted ache, laced in trims of hope on the cusp of fare thee well To fall upon ears of the past I am a sigh |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Me too! Me too!!!  I will wait for some other op's a'fore I comment on the challenge, but this rocks!!! |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I can't comment. I'm not worthy!!!!  So good........ |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
COOL!!! Love this hon... Such a variety of images...and all pertain so well...I particularly like this: 'Sharing an outside unseen in the ebb and flow of give and take, unknown known in each self to imprint a path once traveled' (grrr - I was going to say - 'but traveled needs two l's'...until I realised that it is merely US spelling...gee, you guys just need to get it right!!!!!! HAHA...) and this: 'To fall upon ears of the past' is an awesome paradox - I am so very very fond of those... and I like the adroit use of punctuation also... I have but one thing to discuss...(no - I don't shut up unfortunately) 'Memoried need sated' - Now, I just find that the three hard endings of each word jar the flow a tiny bit - call me pedantic, but anyway what do you think? Well Nic - you have certainly met this challenge well...and met it with a topic I fully identify with...lol... hugs  K |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
C. LOL Sharon, puh-LEAZE! (thank you )K. What I think is that you hit upon the very thing that I'm much less than satisfied with in this poem. I've been griping about it in my mind since I wrote it. What I tried to do throughout, was in some way to stick to the metaphor of the life-cycle of a sigh. The original air, the draw and intake, the mingling of it inside the body, and finally the release. Without going completely through it (I like to spare others the agony of that ) when I wrote that stanza, I meant for it to be somewhat 'forced'. "Memoried need sated" Where once the body needed the air, it no longer does...so it pushes it away, 'out'. The sigh, knows it must be that way, yet doesn't want to 'leave'. So there's that 'stutter' that sometimes happens when a person starts to let out one of those emotionally packed sighs. Too much, too little, too obscure? LOL d.all of the above I dunno, I'm still trying to figure out a different way to word that line, and still satisfy my personal view of the metaphor. Thanks for such a wonderful reply, hon! Hugs all! N |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Wow, I love this satiate... and this... pushing skyward and away - over tongue held silent by weighted ache, laced in trims of hope on the cusp of fare thee well To fall upon ears of the past I am a sigh Excellent!! Yes, I am here, but I am dead, not alive, my body goes on, my spirit has died and I though alive, feel dead inside. "Rose Petal" |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Satiate... lovely painting of images here... liked it a lot... transparent wings, laid in soft rest, upon ears of the past, tongue held silent by weighted ache... wonderful all of them... but the most liked stanza remains sam as Kamla ... Sharing an outside unseen in the ebb and flow of give and take, unknown known in each self to imprint a path once traveled ... and yes traveled should be travelled...  You could probably do something with stanza four... but then again, it says it all very neatly... do no need to change anything at all... regards, sudhir |
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