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Can you help me? |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
I don't know if I should be posting this here, but I'm going for it anyway. I'm editing a short story I've written and need some help. "It was 5:00 in the morning." Is that alright or does it need to be 'five o'clock'? Here is some dialouge "You sure are descriptive." She yelled to me as I turned the corner. "A real good story teller." Can I use 'A' to begin that continuation of the dialouge? I found a soda machine, dropped in three quarters, and got a coke. I swigged down the sugary liquid and crossed the street and sat on an iron bench, placed there no doubt for the tired downtown shopper, or the husbands." Is this a run on sentence, if so, how can I change it to make it better? Thanks. Joy |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
5:00 in the morning is not alright, Joy - but only because alright ain't a word (but, like ain't, it's on the way to becoming one). Either version, however, would all right. In fact, none of your questions have a right or wrong answer, especially in a short story. Writing fiction isn't like writing formal papers for school, and that's particularly true when in dialog. Here's my take on the three questions. I would, personally, use five o'clock because it is less jarring to the reader. He's been reading words all along, not numbers, and he won't have to mentally translate 5:00 if you stick to words. The general English rule, I believe, is that you spell the digits but can use digits for any number over ten. You second question isn't grammatically correct, but it IS the way people talk. And in dialog that's what you want. If you start writing dialog that represents perfect grammar, it's going to sound just terrible - because that's not how people talk. I would, however, use commas in that sentence rather than periods. The first comma is mandatory, the second optional (depending on whether you want a pause there). "You sure are descriptive," she yell to me as I turned the corner, "A real good story teller." Your run-on sentence is a little difficult to read. It just doesn't flow well. BUT, that may be exactly the effect you want at that point in the story. Obviously, I can't tell from just this snippet. The pace of a story is a very, very big factor in its success, and is controlled both by what you say and HOW you say it. For example, an action scene should stick to very short, bam-bam-bam sentences. A love scene, though maybe not strictly action, might do the same. But a long, meaningful conversation in front of an open fire would probably use more compound sentences, more description, more detours. Sentence structure, paragraph length, the choice of words, all of these help set the pace, moving things forward quickly or more slowly. Likewise, in a first-person narrative, the narration is used to show character. And sentence structure is a very powerful tool for doing that. The run-on sentence tells me something important about the character, tells me something of the way she thinks. Joe Friday, in the old Dragnet television series, always used very short sentences, often just a two or three words. That was a part of his character. In short, your third question, even more than the other two, has no right or wrong answer. It depends entirely on what the writer is trying to accomplish in the scene. Hope that helps some!  |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
Thank you Ron. That certainly did help. Can I ask a couple more questions? The character is thinking. I have this in italics, but does it need to be in quotation marks? I know my mom will be as steamed as the vegetables she cooks for supper when she finds out I played hooky all day. I thought. Also, after the thought ends does there need to be a comma instead of a period? Like.... I know my mom will be as steamed as the vegetables she cooks for supper whens he finds out I played hooky all day, I thought. And this is the last thing. Is 'steamed as the vegetables she cooks for supper' an analogy? Is that the right term? Thanks Joy |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hi Joy, "...as steamed as the vegetables she cooks for..." is an analogy, and you've used it correctly. However, I would think about re-writing it perhaps, as it feels a bit unwieldly as is. I know my mom will be as steamed as the vegetables she cooks for supper when she finds out I played hooky all day, I thought. - Is the "correct" (or rather, one of the ways to write that. If you don't mind, a suggested re-write - Mom'll be steamed as the vegetables she cooks for supper when she finds out I played hooky all day, I thought. You don't need the "my" part in the beginning, as it will be assumed she's the character's mom. Also, I took out the first "as," because it was unwieldly. Mind you, this is merely a suggestion. The first way is correct, just in my op a little "longer" than necessary. (Something I'm quite guilty of myself!) Chris |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
Thanks Cbris. That does sound better. Joy |
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