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Open Poetry #5
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Storm Clouds (rewrite)
| Open Poetry #5 |
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Storm Clouds (rewrite) |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL 
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Storm Clouds (rewrite) Horizon’s eye matted shut Against the jamb; weeping The turbulence of birth. From westward, white-hot fingers Scratch the dark. Rumbling Contractions, the fissured womb Ruptures, howling full term, Conception’s fury. Robert if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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| © Copyright 1999 RobertB - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Wow, this is so powerful! I love how you capture the chaos, the magnitude of its fury. Excellent piece! I love storms! It matters not how strait the gate; How charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. --W.E. Henley |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Thanks Tara.....hehehehe, but do you love giving birth as well???  }Robert |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
I just read the original one and I must say that I prefer this one. Actually, yes I do enjoy giving birth. I have two boys. Those were the wildest moments of my life, you did well in comparing a storm to birth. I never would've come up with that! It matters not how strait the gate; How charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. --W.E. Henley |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Well, I didn't think you could possibly improve it, but you certainly did! (as for giving birth...never again if I have anything to say about it! You have caputured the agony of it well)  Denise |
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Georgia Junior Member
since 1999-12-22
Posts 32 |
neat! |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Ummmm speaking only from my own perspective... I would much rather watch a thunderstorm than give birth!!! LOL but then I am male! |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I, for one, am with you on that Robert! And I am speaking from experience! hehehehe  Denise |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
That's pretty good for a guy! That's just about the way it feels, give or take 7 or 8 hours! Excellent! Liz |
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Betty Gravitt Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 222Georgia United States |
I agree with Denise I would rather watch a thunder storm also. hehehe. I also like this version better. I like the first, but this one has more. Elizabeth said it just right. Add 7 or 8 hours then you got it. Great read. B Gravitt |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
The likening to birth is poetically apt...and very well delivered. ~ Claire |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
I thank all the "experts" in child birth for your input? }Robert |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Been there - Done that - I vote for the thunderstorm too.  |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
hard to out do a good storm eh??? |
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Echo Rhayne Senior Member
since 1999-09-17
Posts 1495Canyon Country, CA |
This is great! ~*~ Hell is not a place of fire and a devil with a tail and horns. But a place of torment because the light of God is gone. To escape this, accept the blood of Jesus Christ! ~*~ |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
I thank all of you for your wonderfully inspiring comments. I feel inside of me that I am taking my poetry to a new place. Wanna come with me?? Robert if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
But of course! Denise |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Wow - impressive stuff! ...I am not a painter, I am a poet... F. O'Hara |
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Rosemary J. Gwaltney Senior Member
since 1999-08-26
Posts 997northern mountains, Idaho |
I love the poem - I love thunderstorms - I loved giving birth too, and yes, this is excellent, superb, vivid imagery! An outstanding work! |
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neitham Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 42India |
Vivid observation & powerful expression! What had inspired you, if I may ask? ) |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Hello to the "new" ones I have not seen before. As to what inspired this....I was just thinking about how when it comes a storm here that the horizon is darkened by the clouds that come from the west. The rest just sort of came to me or came together. Robert |
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