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I'm Asking For Your Support
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I'm Asking For Your Support |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 As many of you are well aware (even to a limited extent), my life has changed dramatically for the better in many ways as of late, as I've come to embrace my own body, learn to live outside of myself, take a much more active part in the community in a diverse slate of fashions and have been taking chances and risks to a much greater degree. Despite this, my recent life decisions have proven understandably controversial to my loved ones (I say understandably because I've lived in a highly sheltered environment for the last quarter-century and I am absolutely sympathetic of my parents when they are scared to death for me in me suddenly opening up quite remarkably and fearing I'll get hurt and all because of my inexperience living beyond the house)...........resulting in a recent widening chasm between my parents and I, which I attribute primarily to well-intended misunderstandings from my parents' point of view regarding my intentions, generational differences and, being diagnosed with high-functioning autism, them understandably feeling they are especially responsible for my well-being and can't help but feel many of my views aren't my own and I am merely soaking up the world like a sponge and thus can easily be taken advantage of and/or usurped. Within the last four months, some uncomfortable exchanges have been made from those I love dearly, and while they sting deep down, I have not reacted defensively; trying to assure them I am being responsible and am taking care of myself and those I have gotten to befriend are not of a cult and, on the contrary, value personal freedom and respect, and wouldn't purposefully hurt me and, in the rare instance I was hurt, I would stand up for myself. In spite of that, I'm not at all proud to admit the following, but since our first uncomfortable exchange on Halloween, with the intention of not wanting to cause any persistent heartache to my loved ones, I had decided to tell alibis and white lies to them regarding many of my recent whereabouts with certain communities, which with each one I told I have only felt my heart feel heavier because naturally I am known to be a straight-shooter who nonetheless shoots as gently as I can each time, as I've believed since living more consciously that, as soon as one realizes the "truth" in his/her experience, it must be spoken right away.........and having to do otherwise just isn't me at heart, even when my reasoning for doing so was understandable. But now, I've come to the point where I can't do this anymore............after dancing as brazenly and magnanimously as I can as I always do until I found myself dancing with tears in my eyes toward the end. With each alibi I've made I've felt my heart sting, and now that I feel this emotional asphyxia from doing so, I know I have to stop and that I know what I must do. It's as though my life is a stage and, in the setlist of my set spanning from one end of my life to the other, I've presently just transitioned from the bridge to the final chorus in an aching, softly sliding ballad about love in challenging times.........and I know the song must end with a cathartic coda where I wail from the top of my lungs in my most honest tone of voice: "This is me you're talking to!" again and again until my voice quavers and you can visibly see the nacreous glare of the lighting ricochet from my tears. So, I have chosen Saturday to invite a couple of friends over I've made from a heart-conscious community to my family's house, and to have a heart-to-heart, hopefully active listening, talk together, where I will open up to them about all I've been doing and my intentions................................and I'm not sure what will happen given the nasty barbs cast the previous time I had a conversation of this sort on Halloween evening, but I know in heart it is the right thing to do. (big group hug) I'm asking with dewy eyes as I'm typing this for your support and faith that this can hopefully prove to be a positive experience that builds understanding between me, my parent and my friends, as usually I have proven time and again to be resilient and to persevere and soldier on on my own, but I honestly could use some shoulders to lean on at this time. And should the worst-case scenario occur, where I am ousted from my family's house and, in at least the short term an unnavigable divide based on irreconcilable differences stretches between my parents............and I may have to couch-hop or live on the streets for a while...........I'll accept that's the way it has to be and I'll simply be grateful to the first degree that my parents helped me become the capable, unique individual I am today and they will know in heart that I will always love them wholeheartedly and, sometimes, saying "Au revoir!" is a second chance.  Bless you all, you are the best friends one can ever ask for, and I thank you wholeheartedly for taking me as I am and listening, even if you may disagree with me at times, which I'm accepting of as well! (hugs)  XOXO, Lisping Hibiscus (Noah Eaton) "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Noah, dear... There are few better feelings than knowing our parents are proud of us... but sometimes, we simply have to be true to and proud of ourselves. With your sensitive soul and tender heart, I know any estrangement would be incredibly painful so I'm sincerely hoping you and your parents can find a place of mutual respect and understanding and keep all avenues of communication open. Just remember that even if they have difficulty accepting the paths you've taken, their love is unwavering... as is yours for them. *S* I wish you the best of luck and hope you don't need any shoulders or comfort... but if you do, they're here. Hugs... and hoping for you! |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Noah, As I have written to you my feelings I will not repeat it all. But know that yes, those of us who have been with you all these years and watched you grow, have been extremely proud of your being able to step out of your comfort zone. No one yet knows,including yourself, if this new life you are leading will be the same road you will continue to travel. But in the mean time we see all you have been able to do and all that you have learned on this new adventure. You have opened yourself to so many in this new life and have met many who are able to hurt you, but I am positive you have the ability to be able to tell and know the difference. You have also learned many new things that will one day help you to find your way. Some one may open up to you and offer you a job.I know that is something you want also. To be independent and supporting yourself. Bless you with the ability to be able to convey your feelings and strenght to your parents. jo |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Dear Noah, I will be thinking of you this Saturday. I believe what you are doing is right and brave. It's very hard to be true to yourself - and you are working towards that on different counts. It is my hope that eve if your parents can not understand your choices, thhat they will respect you for how you are handling this situation that you are now facing. You are often in my thoughts. I can't claim to know you well or as long as many here, but I have seen you grow and have read you long before I commented on anything that you wrote. Be true to you. xoxoxo Alison |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
Noah, I believe in your decision and believe it is the right one. I am old enough to be your mother and I have had too many regrets, more regrets of things not done and words left unsaid than said and done. It haunts me; do not let it haunt you. I’m not saying go off and go completely nuts, I mean follow your heart; and your gut. Growing up is one the hardest things we do as humans --along with love and losing love. We have watched you grow up here and seen the amazing transformation of a boy to a man. I am happy to see you branching out touching different and colorful butterflies but remember the flowers are STILL at home and always will be. Your parents aren’t judging you they are just trying to protect you as they will for life (spoken like a mother.) I adore my children and I am not always happy with choices they have made but I forever more will be with them and there for them they ARE my blood, my heart. You will find this out from them too. On a personal note…many times I have wanted to write you and tell you what a wonderful writer you are ---actually I don’t mean wonderful at all I mean speechlessly incredible. I think you are one of the most brilliant and talented people here and to have such command of the language and your emotions at your age is truly a gift. You my dear are someone very special and if a total stranger feels this way about you surely your family feels it even greater. I will be thinking of you and hope not for the best but to hear there has been compromise and understanding on their part… as well as yours. And promise me you will listen as well as talk ok? It is hard sometimes for we as parents to let go and see you as able to make your own choices. Gentle strength goes a long way. Love you, Helen |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Noah, Listen to Helen.She said it best. We will all be with you Saturday. jo |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Noah, I am checking in again to let you know that I am thinking of you. I agree with Helen. You are an amazing writer with an even more amazing vocabulary. My hope is your family holds tight to you with support and love. You deserve it. xoxoxo Alison |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Helen did indeed say it best! *S* You're in our thoughts and hearts, dear friend. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
(wipes tear) Thanks soooooooooo much, dearest Suthern, for your scintillating showings of support as always! Regardless of what happens, deep down, I know they'll always love me. I know, with many who endure similar situations like this, they decide not to even have challenging conversations like this with the assumption "They just won't understand!" and choose to venture out without notice. But I value communication wholeheartedly, and I want to preserve this bond with my loved ones as best as I am able, and that is precisely why I am having this talk with them..........because I value them with all my heart and only if things get irreconcilable in the short term would I then proceed to move on beyond the house, assuring them I love them wholeheartedly and my split from them is amicable, not acrimonious. (hugs) Bless you, Suthern, you have a true heart of gold! XOXO, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
wiping tears too I'm here Noah |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi Noah, Good for you and I'm  for your courage on deciding to make your own choices in how you wish to live your life. Every parent should respect that, even if they're not the same choices they would have made.It's part of growing up and you did such a good job at that. Keep believing in yourself. Parents always want what they think is best for their offspring, but they shouldn't forget to let them go when the time is there. You will experience happiness and you will experience being hurt, but all that will make you stronger and stronger. I'll be thinking of you today and hope that your parents are wise enough to grant you some space to explore and keep their door wide open. Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Someone recently suggested that it’s best to say what you think, I'm not sure but here goes. Call me old fashioned but I support your parents. The way you’ve described the situation paints them as being somehow out of step or unreasonable – I don’t think they are. By the sound of things they’ve said they aren’t comfortable with what you’re doing and you’ve just carried on regardless, sounds kind of selfish when you look at it in that light. If you’re living with your parents you need to abide by their rules and respect their beliefs, in exactly the same way that while your posting in this place you abide by the rules. If you can’t and you have any self-esteem you leave. What you don’t do is whine that they don’t understand then put the onus on them to either change their rules and accept what you’re doing or be forced into the painful situation of losing you. That’s not right. You’re the one who should be making a choice – either respect your parents wishes or move out. You don’t need to talk to them about either of those choices. Simply decide what you’re going to do them tell them what you’ve decided. . |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I agree with Grinch....completely. You are in their house, and by bringing your friends over, to try and persuade your folks to think differently, is just so disrespectful. they are capable of making up their own minds, and I'm sure you'd want the same respect....I mean, do you want your parents bringing their friends over to try and convince you what you are doing isn't ok, and that you shouldn't be doing it? the thing is Noah, if you are an adult, why do you even need their permission? Why do you have to tell them what you are doing outside of the house at all? Did it ever occur to you, that they may not want to know?? You have to look at it from their point of view too, not just have them see yours. to say that you may end up on the streets, that is your choice. If any of my kids came to me, and wanted to do something in my house that I was not ok with, they would either not do it in my house or they can move out and oh I dunno, get a job and get their own place then they can do whatever they want. Putting it up to them like they will be forcing you to leave?? That is not right...that is immature of you, and very very closed minded. Sorry Noah...that is how I feel. Good luck with that. |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
I didn't know you were still living at home with your parents, because that's quite a different situation then if you were living on your own. In that case I agree for the most part with Gringe and Sea and though I still think parents should give their children some room to explore while growing up and letting them experience their own mistakes, it should not, in any case, be the way that the child is dominating the parents, because that in fact is very childish and selfish behaviour. I don't know what it is that they don't approve of, so it's a bit hard to give an honest to the point opinion. Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
You have my support. The right thing is to communicate with each other and hopefully all come to a better understanding. I hope it goes well. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
Awwwwwwwww, thanks Jo as always! Obviously there are individuals in this world who, for any number of reasons, live unconscious lives to some degree, and some of which do unfortunately tend to harm others. I am aware of this, but I also believe life is far from a typical episode of "24" and it is also a much more inviting and compassionate place than it may appear to be often with all the bad news we hear about. And I will surely, at any rate, take care of myself. I, too, don't know if this current path I'm traversing will be one I will continue traversing in the longer term. But, in my heart, it feels like the right path to head down presently, and my moral compass is also pointing down this path into the distance where the sky meets the sea, and so I must do what I've got to do and walk on, until I come across the next major junction, when I'll again take thoughtful deliberation into where I go from there and trust my heart. Several friends have already offered me temporary shelter should I have to move on from home (we didn't have the talk yet, which I'll explain why after I respond to everyone else's comments) and I've already told them I'll graciously tend to any chores or housework, among other things, to show my thanks. (hugs) Thanks again, my friend! Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus (Noah Eaton) "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
Thanks sooooooooooo much, Alison! (huggies) I don't expect my parents to agree with what I'm doing, or to support my decisions either. My intention to speaking to them is for them to accept the reality that my recent life decisions are my own and that I'm not gullible to the point where I say "Hey, sure!" when someone asks me to try something new without reservation, or that I've been usurped by strangers...........which I can nonetheless sympathize with why they may think that given I've lived in a highly sheltered environment the first quarter-century of my life. (hugs) And you've felt like a friend I've known since I first joined this community myself, dearest Alison! It's as though you're an original Pipster spirit here, even though you didn't join until the latter half of the last decade! Bless you, my friend! Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus (Noah Eaton) "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
(hugs) Your kindest words have really made me tear up, dearest Helen! I am consciously aware that the path my heart is leading me down is one which most never dare to venture, and can raise great discomfort because most haven't come to see beneath the surface of the lifestyle I'm fascinated with, and also because it's a diverse community that nonetheless, because it's seen through a monolithic lens, is greatly misunderstood and appears "way out there" to the observer. I'm among the minority who has chosen to dare treading this path, and I've come to understand the community as it truly is: one which is, in itself, guided by fellow-feeling, respect, common sense and preference. I apologize that I can't go into greater detail here explaining what I'm talking about, but I respect myself and I'll make clear as day when no means no, and step one step backwards when I'm unsure of what I'm getting into. This is precisely why I want to have this conversation...........because communication is vital to the preservation and strengthening of relationships, and often my parents would rightfully claim in the past I was compulsively secretive and closed up to the world. I came to realize the consequences of that late last decade, and so I've chosen to burst out of my shell and live outside of myself. And they're absolutely right.........it feels soooooooooo much better living openly, not strait-jacketed in a chronic state of introspection. But I also understand some of what I'm advocating is at odds with what my parents believe in, which I respect what they believe and I'll assure them of that when I share with them what I am choosing and that it is part of the life I dream to live. (wipes tears) Your compliment has made my heart leak graciously like a silver-kissed cataract, dearest friend! I don't know how to respond exactly...........I think, because I used to be socially reclusive to the extreme, I turned to writing as a way to occupy my time, and so that may explain why I'm perceived as having very advanced linguistic and vernacular capacities for someone of my demographic range. You mentioned just now about the sting of past regrets. Sadly, I feel my great love of writing is also the primary source of the unintentional, yet real widening chasm in understanding between my parents and myself. I wasn't born with a silver tongue yet was born with a platinum pen, whereas it is more or less vice-versa with my loved ones. So within the last decade, while I've been communicating primarily through pen and paper (and more recently dance) because my speech often fails me, my loved ones are excellent with speech...........but because they haven't had the time to read anything I've written for years now because they're very busy these days and the truth is it takes a much longer time to read something than to hear something.........it was inevitable this communication gap would reach a potential critical mass. It's nobody's fault for this..........not my parents, not mine, not anyone's...............but that is unfortunately what happens when two communicate in different forms and there is limited cross-dialogue. It is for that reason, among others, why I'm not angry or upset with them in any fashion. It's true I used to be much more thin-skinned and took the slightest criticisms much personally in the past, but I've come to learn the reality..........that any uncomfortable barbs or accusations that may come out of our next talk won't be because they take what I'm doing personally really, but more because we just haven't had many opportunities as of late to communicate and so the reality that much has been left unsaid and unexpressed will inevitably mean there's so much that yearns to be clarified and it won't be easy. At any rate, I know this talk is the right thing to do, even if it ends with more distance between us than beforehand.........because in heart we'll feel at least some sense of closure knowing we tried to understand each other more deeply. (hugs) I extend my deepest appreciation for your friendship, dearest Helen! Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
Thanks Dixie! Your deepest friendship and compassion is a wonderful gift as always! Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
(huggies) Grinch, I commend you for saying just what you think, as I wouldn't have it any way and, after all, who would I be to desire to say and live how I think and feel respectively if I were to approach what others said what they thought with judgment or scorn? I thank you for being honest, my friend. That said, obviously trying to spell out the situation is one thing, but no matter what I don't think will have a complete, most palpable understanding of the situation without having observed it firsthand. So I don't blame anyone here for having their own individual takes and perceptions on the situation, which I think is natural in all dialogues, and I should also clarify when I said "I'm asking for your support!" I was really meaning "I'm asking that you support us all!". In living under their roof, I certainly do things to show my appreciation for all they do regularly, such as with house and yard work for instance. And I do abide by their rules and respect their beliefs as well. That said, there is a point I want to make regarding how what constitutes as "rules" and what constitutes as "beliefs" become enmeshed, or when one is expected to abide not just by rules, but by beliefs. And while I believe it is respectful to understand where loved ones are coming from regarding the establishing of rules and to abide by them, I also don't believe in abiding by another's beliefs.........but respecting them nonetheless. And as it is, my parents DO take it personally when I dissent against a particular opinion or expectation (which I don't do forcefully) and they interpret it as though I'm being out of line when I'm simply being who I am. I have no intent on even attempting to make them change their beliefs or rules. They are who they are and I wouldn't have it any other way, and make no mistake that the decision will rest with me and I will be the one who chooses to leave if I have to. At any rate, it is necessary to have this conversation, because it would be even more selfish to just leave and be thinking to myself "What's the point, they will never 'get it'!" and just abandon them cold turkey than to do what you mentioned in your drawn hypothetical, which is not my intent either. Communication is vital, and especially given they're the kind of parents who ask me every time before I go somewhere and after I get back from somewhere where I was, and I'm exasperated of telling alibis, it is pretty much a given that they'll have to know the whole truth at this point. (hugs) Thanks again, Grinch! Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
Thanks Susan for also responding most candidly and genuinely, my friend! I know you doing so is surely nothing personal and that you simply care about me too much and don't want me to make a crucial misstep or mistake! You'll just have to trust me when I say that, if you had observed what transpired on Halloween evening, for instance, and some moments leading up to that, you would understand why I'm motivated to have a couple of friends over. The reality is, on Halloween, when they first heard about some of what I've been doing as of late and they were understandably shocked by it and emotions were running wild as they feared for me and all, nonetheless continuously interrupted me when I tried to share my side of the story, immaturely continuing to utter "What, Noah, what do you have to say? SPEAK UP!" as I struggled getting a single word in, and tossing out ad hominems like I mentioned before on top of that. So, the conversation was lopsided.........as I am not strong with speech as it is. I'm also not inviting two random friends over. They are two friends my parents got acquainted with already at the very least, who I've done housesitting for on two occasions to date. I believe they are ideal because I would show them that 1) even though they are, too, fascinated by a lifestyle that may feel uncomfortable to many, that they nonetheless lead normal, everyday lives just like I do and 2) they haven't and will never hurt me. And, because they are eloquent in their speech like my parents are, it would mean a more balanced dialogue, though I've made clear to my parents that I am leading the conversation because I'm deciding for myself. And, as I already mentioned to Grinch, my parents are essentially what has become termed as "helicopter parents"........that is, a parent who takes the notion of "attachment parenting" further and has the tendency to monitor everything his/her child is up to. They ask me each and every day where I'm going, when I'll be back, etc...........and so the way they parent basically demands that I tell them what I've been doing outside the house. They really don't give me much choice, in that they feel to HAVE to know what I'm doing all the time. Finally, as I already explained to Grinch, I'm making the final call about where I'm going from here and whether I should move out or not, and I'm certainly not intending to set up the conversation to where I shame them into feeling they either must support what I'm doing or suffer the consequence of losing me, which you are right is a very close-minded approach. And should I choose to move on beyond the house, I'll make it clear that my decision doesn't change the reality that I do and will always love them very much...........it's just that, in some phases of our lives, it's necessary to shake up the management aspects in our lives, much like musicians switch managers when they feel the inspiration just isn't there at the moment or something is lacking. It would be, really, nothing more than an amicable split in management. Thanks soooooooooooo much Susan for your friendship as always! Namaste, Lisping Hibiscus "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" Mother Teresa |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
right on Noah, you know you always have such a good attitude about things.  It's hard for me, seeing both sides of those kinds of situations. I think it's great that you are exploring different things in your life and finding your path. It's sad to me that it does come to leaving in these situations. But it would be good for you if you have the means to pay rent and eat...I'm just saying if it's like that, then I think you should for sure move out.Of course I wish you good luck, and yes, I just want you to be safe. |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
Hi Noah, I just found this dialog and had to put my two cents in! As a parent, I well know it's quite difficult to find the line between 'mothering' and 'smothering.' One of the biggest mistakes a parent makes is not allowing their child to make mistakes. My oldest is 51 and I still sometimes want to protect him from doing something. He's lived in a different state from us since he was 20, and he's done well. It's not that I don't believe in his right to make his own decisions, it's that I fear he'll get hurt. Your approach sounds very well thought out and I pray for the very best to come from the talk for all concerned. God bless each of you, Rae |
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