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Can I borrow from you?
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Can I borrow from you? |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom 
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I'm not really sure how to say this so I'll just let my fingers map straight from my brain to the keyboard.. What was the worst thing you ever experienced, how did you deal with it and looking back at it now, is it still the hardest thing you ever endured? It could be absolutely anything, from loss of a partner, child to child, home, job...each is unique to the individual concerned... I normally just keep telling myself that the sun will shine tomorrow or that storms will cleanse the air and that who knows what is round the next corner but when you know you're having a tough time and none of those things work...hence my question...hope you'll give me a little lattitude here..even a candle would make the world seem a little brighter...if you understand what I mean.. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Hmmmm...don't know how to answer this one. I've had friends and family die on me, and while that was very bad at the time, in retrospect, it was what was needed. I've had more than my fair share of jobs...but there is always another one around the corner. I've loved, gotten burned, and loved again. Hmmm..I reckon it's all part of life, the cycles which repeat until a lesson is learned....Hmmmm..oh, got one! *YAH!* The worst thing that ever happened was when I realized that I was accountable for my actions. I was four, and reached this conclusion on my own...no longer could I say, "I dunno" "I didn't know" "It was him, honest..." It was devastating...for about 5 minutes. Then I sucked it up, paid the piper, and got on with life. Alicat |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Thanks Ali, but I know you're gonna hate me for this...cause right now I don't like wqhat I'm going to say either...  ...now here's the funny part, how can I smile saying this and yet feel so ripped apart inside...guess it's so easy to talk with your natural style and I'm a smiler, well, I am as a rule...heck, if a truck was coming towards me at 60mph, I'd say something like..."I feel for the poor driver, cause stupid me didn't get out of the way".. I just don't find it easy to really say I'm sad or that I know I'm sad but I also know my natural love of live will be back within a short time...hope that makes sense...but the subject matter here was not really about choice but more about things you can't or have no control over...ok...let me take a deep breath, count to 5 and say it...I'm me, I'm made up of humour, sparkling eyes, and a body, but the body doesn't smile much, it's the way I see things that makes me smile...but I'm going to lose part of me in order to survive and although I hope that one day someone will care enough not to see a body but the smile it still affects me cause I know it will make me slightly different to the average person and I don't want to be any different...I want to be loved for me, not cause I'm a size 10 or because i have green eyes or long hair but because I'm loveable as we all are but the problem is I don't know how to handle the adjustment...I know if I was in a situation where a man said..."I have only one testicle, I would say "fine, what's the problem?"...but do others see women in the same way?...I know I don't make sense, and wanting to make sense doesn't make any difference, because I'm me and I know I see things differently...see, I can't even get this thought out in any coherent fashion..I'm hiding behind the thought that men are simplistic and they're not but it's scary and I'm scared....damn, that must have took about 100 words but I got there...finally! Sorry Ali...it's not you, it's me..  HUSG |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Who are you? Are you the banana peel or the banana? Are you what's inside? That's what matters really... Six years ago, my son was in agony with a pain in his groin. Within 24 hours, he had to have a testicle removed as it had been twisted years previously and was not growing. The doctor told him they could put in a prosthetic. He declined. Today, he's well adjusted and happy. If anyone asks him if he wants to see a scar, he then asks if they want to see his..not knowing where it is.. So this doesn't answer your question....strength is given to us when we are faced with terrible issues to resolve or live through. Faith, if you believe, can be a great comfort. So can laughter! Quiet music...the nuzzling of a pet...a bouquet of flowers...all these things will ease the moment..each eased moment becomes a day...and the days will pass easier.... |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Well, I can't say that I can relate with this particular pain, as I still have all the part I was born with...but unlike a lot of guys I know, I couldn't really care less about what a person looks like. Looks fade with time, but not what's inside. Yeah, I know I'm a throwback to some bygone age, but I gotta be true to self. I've dated, and loved women who were missing organs, had messed up innards, were obese, were rail-thin...it's all on what's inside that attracts me. I thank you for the strength it took to speak your mind...show's strong character, and I salute you. Men are pretty darn simplistic when you get down to it...give em a beer and game on T.V. and their attention is captured like a child's.  Alicat P.S.: Though I'm just a guy who doesn't like beer or games on T.V., feel free to email me if'n ya need to talk...about anything. |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Sharon: Your son, had you! Heaven help me for saying this but how we are brought up affects how we feel in later life...if we are taught love in a compassionate way it defines our whole concept of love and life...when I love it is as I see that person...I have no qualms about whether it is two arms, 10 fingers or toes....it really doesn't matter, it's them...who they are, their thoughts, philosphy...hmmmm..I could go on for hours here....but how we are brought up, how our peers taught us what to look for can influence our thoughts...well, I think I broke the mold...LOL...I guess I'm treying to say if I saw me in a mirror, I'd love me, not cause I'm rich or great or anything but because I like to share, to be a part of something, to be the tandem in unison....to be perfectly truthful...I'm worth loving, I give a lot back, heck I give whether I get anything anyhow.. I just wanted to know how to deal with it, do I say at the start of something.."hey. I'm not normal, you should be aware?" or do I presume that ..... I'm just trying to not be scared but I am...I don;t want to see horror on someone's face again....and I'm trying to protect myself...here I'm me, live, maybe I can pretend...I just wanted to know how people really felt.. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Cindy, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but your fear will only get worse, until you'll feel it will strangle you on the day of the operation. Nobody can take it away for you and no one can really comfort you. After the operation you will hate your body at first and will slowly learn to accept yourself again. Trust me, you will. When you reach that point you will no longer fear and find your inner peace back. I wish I could do something for you. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) You will shine from within again Rainbow and your pot of gold will be still there. By the way....what are we doing still up ??  |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Ooops...thank heavens I don't have bad nights too often...LOL Normal service has been resumed..*g* Hmmm.... Munda, gee thanks for that... and I'm not up late it's just that you're up early.. HUGS |
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Pepper Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079Southern Florida |
Check your email, Cindy HUSG [This message has been edited by Pepper (edited 04-23-2000).] |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Rainbow, it sounds like you are facing a crisis in your life - I don't know what part of you, you are losing from this post ---but to live is the most important. If people can't see past any kind of imperfection they are plain shallow. I am the kind of person that takes the time to say hello to people in wheelchairs. When I was younger - I put a lot on looks not on others but myself - I had to diet all the time - darn near anorexic until One day I said I Have had enough of this craziness -- and I stopped. yes, I grew heavier and am always trying to stick to some kind of diet. But -- YOU Know what - -I get asked for more dates, I get asked to dance more - I get people asking for my phone number WAY more than when I was young. So, all those fears of getting too heavy were for not. People love and like me for me. Most people are harder on themselves then they are on others -- When I think back to the civil war with wives praying and hoping that their husband would come back and so many of them missing an arm, leg, eye, two legs. AND those women happy to get any part of them back at all. It brings tears to my eyes. Also, I have friends with missing limbs and you know what, at first you notice it and then you don't -- their missing part kind of grows on you --) So whatever you are going through - be brave -- keep your worries down -- and realize we all get TESTS in life - AND you will MOST definitely still be loved --- and meet more people in life that will love you, too. Trust me in this -- there are far more decent people in this world - then you and I will ever know, and one heck of a lot of them are men. Hugs from Netswan |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Cindy, I started to respond to this yesterday but was interrupted. What a lot of lovely comments that have been put in your path. I was going to say something wonderful, like, if you need a candle to light your way, I would enlist all of the help I know and chandeliers would fill every room... and then I re-read Alicat's comment and thought...hummm, no open flames... then I had to take a laugh with PDV and think of you peeling bananas... and Munda made a lot of sense - I know from very personal experience... then I saw Pepper there, taking care of you in her most inimitable fashion... and Netswan has given you much food for thought. So, you don't "need" me...but I like and want your rainbows to continue to shower forth, so my thoughts and prayers and anything else I can pull together will not be for naught... Hugs, Sunshine |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Thank you ....I kept off here since I posted as someone sent me a mail saying perhaps I deserved it.. ( it was of course untraceable but still it affected me...I can't say I ever wished harm on anyone really unless they were responsible for maltreatment and then yep, I would wish they were hung for it...But thank you for the positive thoughts, I'm normally a very positive person and I think I always will be...I guess I'm just scared and although I'm fairly extrovert as a rule I can't see me saying.."will you still love or care for me?"...guess the toy status sunk in more than I thought.. Thanks Sunshine..I like the thought of chandeliers...I love candles...Whenever I see a flame I always think it resembles hope.. Bless you Ali...not many men would proudly admit to that but I'm glad you did.. Netswan: I can't say weight ever bothered me particularly..I much prefer laughter...it just makes you feel so damned good.. Pepper: I read your post before you edited it...thank you sweetheart...you are brave, upfront and oh boy, so cosmopolitan.. ..You have guts lady..I hope I can follow in your footsteps.. Love youPdV: Thank you ...I guess I do think of me as the skin...not too sure about a banana though..*g*..ooops...wrong forum.. Seriously, thank you...a pep talk from you is tantamount to being told you're loved.. bless youJust wish me luck guys.. HUSG [This message has been edited by RainbowGirl (edited 04-24-2000).] |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I don't know what kind of miserable low life excuse of an existence could tell you that you deserved this, dear lady... it's one of those mysteries of life that awful things happen to good people and slime seems to slither unscathed... and frankly, I prefer PDV's mystery of "are you the banana or the peel?" *G* Simply because such slime is allowed to breathe, I can't assure you that some imperfect clod won't expect perfection and be disappointed in you... but I can assure you that you're better off without such trash! I've kissed scars... with tears flowing down my cheeks... some of the tears were regrets that the person I loved had to endure such pain... but most of the tears were gratitude that he survived and was alive to receive my kisses. Whenever you meet someone halfway worthy of you, he'll be so damn glad you survived so that he could know the beauty of your heart, he won't be worrying about scars... except as badges of your courage. |
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