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need advice (attention, teens, especially)
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need advice (attention, teens, especially) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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My daughter got sick on the school bus this morning. (she lost her breakfast...sigh) She's home now, and physically feeling better--but now of course, she feels humiliated and doesn't want to return to school. She says "they" are going to laugh at her--and well, the reality of it is that in all likelihood, someone will probably do just that. It's breaking this mom's heart and I feel pretty helpless--she cried herself to sleep a little while ago. Has anything like this ever happened to any of you, and what can I do to help her out? She's only 11, and loves school--and now she doesn't want to return. I know this doesn't seem very important, but to her it's the end of the world...sigh, sigh, sigh...  |
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| © Copyright 2002 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Awww... you're such a good mother. I hope you get the answer y' seek. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Oh my...I think there was a thread not so very long ago about embarrassment and the like...as an old bird who still has inner scars from being laughed at, now [not then] I am able to say, say nothing of it and if questioned, say, "yea...gads, I even made myself sick over being sick"...or some such comment, smile, and immediately THANK THEM for their concern...and then she can say "hope you didn't catch whatever bug I must have had..." |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
thanks...and I'm thinking here--would it be better to let her stay home tomorrow--and give her some space from this over the weekend? She is just so sensitive and extremely shy. And I KNOW how this feels, and kids can be so mean...and Kari...smiling, I am a survivor of childhood too! *wry chuckle* and thanks Mike.  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Only if she is not feeling better. You really don't want her to think that her mother will be around in 10 years to protect her when she has to face others in the light of some embarrassing aspect. Hiding behind an illness will not work, either...sets up a bad example, yes?  Share with her your understanding. Show her this message, show her YOU had to reach out for some help! And tell her, I remember, and that she is never alone! |
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brian sites Senior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 1475usa |
It isn't important -- to those that don't remember These events, the reactions of others, and the way they are dealt with aren't large when we are older But the repetition the sheer number of these things throughout our lives add up subtly, to the way we interact She will be alright because? You, have and will, give her the tools she needs to be strong I think you both are lucky brian |
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Anvrill Senior Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 710in the interzone now |
I had a reaaaallllyyy mean joke played on me when I was 11, set up by the boy I had a major crush on. Augh. (Note to self: when unpopular, do not fall for popular boy!) A capsule of red dye was left on my chair. You go ahead and figure out what everyone thought. I hid in the bathroom for my entire next class, sobbing, but I was too humiliated to even go home, and when I returned to my class, I refused to look at anyone, or even talk to my friends (who were honestly concerned), and I never ever ever told my parents it happened. I had to put up with older girls I had never even SEEN before coming up to me and asking, as cruelly as they could, if I knew what a pad was. And truth to be told, it only stopped haunting me when I left that school; people there remembered for the three years I went. I can't give any advice, really; being a kid is so hard. Things devestate you, and there's no way to stop it. And let's face the fact that kids are cruel li'l buggers. Especially at around 11 and up, because there's something about being older than a decade that boosts a kid's ego, and makes them want to prove how high and mighty they are. Grr. Hope your daughter feels better, and that her schoolmates let her live it down. i'll be waiting for you |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
popping in to say thanks inbetween storms...(sheesh--I've seen more lightning in the past two weeks, and heh...kinda makes me nervous!  ) and Lori? Hugs you...and tsk--I know I can't live FOR her (with my track record, I wouldn't even wanna try...) and Kari? I can't show her this! chuckling, I can't tell her that I announced her trauma on *gasp* THE INTERNET!!!  sssssh.... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Then just tell her that you know she can overcome her fears.... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
If she isn't feeling well by morning, keep her home. If she is....send her to school..tell her to sit someplace other than where she sat before. If anyone asks how she is, she can say "I've decided never to eat CocoPuffs again!".... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
We had a "cuddle" and a bit of a giggle this afternoon--I just waited until she was ready to talk about it, and she did. She is so precious--halfway through the story--when she related about the THIRD child that was made a mess of--I SLIPPED, and asked, "egads, Kris, how many kids did you hit?" She looked at me and grinned shyly, "Three." Then she asked, "What do I do if I get on the bus and they all laugh at me?" I replied, "You could always threaten to stick your finger down your throat!" Okay. So much for motherly sensitivity, but SHE thought it was funny! |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Ok, I don't have kids but I kinda agree with your idea to let her stay home tomorrow. Geez, the kids only 11, she's got the rest of her life to learn all those adult lessons. |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
*Sigh* I can certainly relate that this one. At my old middle school, students were to remain in the halls of the bottom floor until the morning bell rang. Well, it was a little into my sixth grade year, and I did not know where the bathrooms were on that floor, and I couldn't seem to find anyone who did. I ended up throwing up the banana I had had for breakfast... in front of a couple hundred older kids. Humiliating, to say the least... I, too, was completely terrified to return to school. And yes, I did get some weird looks, some snickers, and a few rude comments. But I learned to just ignore them, and, eventually, everyone found something better to converse about. Just tell her that it will be hard at first, but this too, will pass. From personal experience, I sign out... Good Luck to the both of You! ~Sky "Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, but now I'm on my knees again" -Creed |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
But then again, if she goes to school tomorrow and deals with whatever comes, it'll be over with by Monday. And she might just spend the whole weekend worrying about what's gonna happen on Monday if she doesn't go to school tomorrow. (This is just one of the reasons that the powers that be saw fit to never let me be responsible for anything more fragile than a pet!) lmao |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Exactly what I told her in the "serious" part of our discussion Dunc. She can just get the hard part over with--I also told her that some may be mean and laugh or tease, but if she didn't react to that, they would get bored with the whole thing. I also told her that if she just smiled and handled herself with her normal grace, they will respect her even more. (gawd...I love my kids, they are the best thing I ever did!) |
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Toad Member
since 2002-06-16
Posts 161 |
I ain’t no teen but I own two. (or they own me) Should she stay home? To the other kids it won’t matter, they have memories longer than elephants and won’t miss the chance to have a dig whether it’s now or a week on Tuesday. It might make a difference to your daughter though, giving her some distance, as you say, between the event and the unavoidable ribbing, things are easier to handle when the sharp edges have worn a little. If you look at why kids pick up on things like that and poke fun you may find a few useful tools to help combat the inevitable, whenever that comes. Kids generally thrive on attention, especially from their peers, if they come out with a snide remark and it gets a response from either you’re daughter or more importantly the other kids they’ll carry on and try to build on it. The response from your daughter is vital to how much ribbing she gets, if she can make it seem that the taunts don’t affect her. Better still if she gets the other kids to laugh with her not at her then the snide remarks and ribbing will be dropped like a hot brick. If you can get her to see the funny side of what happened and get her to recognise it as one of life’s minor hiccups instead of a monumental catastrophe she’ll be fine, the taunts and jibes are only as hurtful as you let them be. All this is of course easy to say, I’ve been through a fair few similar situations with my sons, and realise that putting theory into practise for an eleven year old is never simple, but knowing the why often helps them work out the why not. |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
Unfortunately, our embarrassing moments stay with us forever (think about it), particularly if we are of a sensitive nature. I say have her go on the attack. The first squirrel that even looks like they're going to open their yap about it she should walk up to and pretend to wretch on them. Then bust out laughing. The miscreant will be the new buffoon and your daughter will display a marvelous sense of humor. "Happy people have no history" - French Proverb |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
RS, you're right. They do stay with us forever, I say no more...lol. Why am I so obsessed with this thread? I'm beginning to worry myself. I guess embarrasment is such a universal experience. That's why I first said, let her stay home. Poor kid. But she sounds pretty cool, like her Mom. She'll be fine. I really hate it when an 11 year old is better equipped to cope with the real world than I am. But then Karen was not my mother, so I have an excuse! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Richard? smiling atchoo...exactly my thoughts when I told her to threaten them with more olympiad-style vomiting. Gross, I know...but? she said, "mom? that's YOU. I can't do that." But it was quite a humorous moment, as my son took my lead, and playing off of my suggestion, did an impromptu scenario of boarding the bus, and holding all of them that would laugh "hostage," saying..." OKAY. I WANT SILENCE AND I WANT IT NOW. I'm warning you. I am armed. I have a forefinger here and I'm not afraid to use it!" (Both of my kids have a marvelous sense of humor, probably out of self-defense ) )I thank you all for your kind concerns and advice over what seems to be such a trivial matter in the face of world problems. Yer all so beautiful! (I think I mentioned that a few times before...smile) She is going to be fine. I KNOW she is. She is so much stronger than I...(and btw? she showed me one of those "get-to-know-you" surveys that teachers sometimes give to get to know their students. Under her goal in life? She wrote, "I want to be a writer." And the last question asked, "What do you hope to have accomplished by next year on this date? Her answer? "My second novel." ain't they great? okay, I'll stop the bragging, but...psssst...THEY ARE GREAT KIDS. wide smiles here... and peace to you all--and hugs for the bad memories I dredged.  |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
I like what RSWells said. That would be the perfect plan and other kids would laugh their heads off. How good is your daughters threshold for 'scary' movies? You could always rent the exorcist and fast forward it to the vomitting part and say, "Look, this girl is the master of puking. You didn't do that. Look, your head doesn't even spin." That might cheer her up. Other than that, try to convince her to roll with the punches. Sorry I can't be of much help. Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
I know where she is coming from being a teen myself ( even a little younger. ) Peer pressure in my school and every school around here is so awful, you are afraid to be laughed at for everything. I wish there was someway to stop it but there isn't. Yet, I have discovered my own way of dealing with it. Tell her that all she has to do is go in there with her head held high and tell herself that everything will be alright. That is what I have to do everyday and it has helped my self-esteem so much you wouldn't believe. Ri To the world you maybe a person, but to a person you maybe the world |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
Well??????????? |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Yeah, that's what I was thinkin......???? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sorry about the silence, guys...(guess WHO caught a nasty little virus??? ) But everything worked out pretty well. She came home and reported to me that just one kid said something when she got on the bus, and several of the other kids told him to shut up! (Her reaction was so cute, and sort of familiar--"wow. They must LIKE me!" heh heh.--she is my "mini-me".)  |
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