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Critical Analysis #2
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buckysimone
Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 27


0 posted 2003-12-19 10:06 PM



the lights turns out
shadows creep beside my legs
nightmares become reality
dignity thrown upon the floor
mops and brooms
silhouettes of sopranos
altos and tenors
standing naked through winters
winters flame of agony
igniting through paper-bag walls
walls of my house
through the rain
walls tumbling down
graphic graffiti through
through plastic windows
suffocation of the stench
bed once filled
fully with springs
blanket of words
trash bag pillowcase dreams
urination coats the bleeding concrete
floors of feet
bare foot
walking through on cuts
cuts like ocean shells
beach
beach visited as a child
coated with pollution
dead seagulls and poached whales
peoples hands reach
reach for me
grabbing
releasing my clammy hands
laughter follows, malodorous bedroom
i will go down
turn out the lights.

© Copyright 2003 buckysimone - All Rights Reserved
Minister Joe
Member
since 2003-02-22
Posts 78
TX, USA
1 posted 2003-12-19 11:17 PM


B,

The images in this are sort of relentless--that's not necessarily a bad thing--sometimes you can use that to your advantage... one image rolling hard after another, but usually that isn't as effective as it can be unless you have some sort of baseline to hold it all together; the strength of the story if you will.

Though you have some stellar imagery in this:

dignity thrown upon the floor
mops and brooms
silhouettes of sopranos
altos and tenors

It's difficult for me to ingest this poem as a whole--because I can't follow a single line of thought through it.  The story through the poet's eyes just isn't hear for me to read yet.

Consider choosing your strongest three images here--take them apart and ask yourself--what are they saying to you?  What is it not only that you feel, but see when you contemplate them?  It may be that you already know what you're trying to show the reader, but perhaps a closer examination will provide you with some highlights that you may have missed, and sometimes it can be something so simple that is the key to the voice of a work.

Very much enjoyed and thank you,

--Matt

Give what you can.
MinisterJoe.com - Where Writers Work

gourdmad
Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley
2 posted 2003-12-20 02:33 PM


After having seen several examples of it over the past week on this forum(nothing personal Bucky), I have come to the conclusion that if I were dictator of the world I would mandate that the center justification option would be deleted from every aspiring poets word processor.

If someone had to do it manually(center justify), it would only be used where it made a useful difference.

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