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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
muffled steps- drawing the collar up and issuing white plumes of used up from the downturned mouth sneeze and long for south a disjointed clatter of keys, wind sneaks in as she stretches her arm out to pluck them from the snow |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Amy: Looking at the other side of the coin, when was the last time you got a mosquito bite in Ohio? I like what you're trying to do with the minimalist poems and I think this one has good potential. quote: I'm curious why you are avoiding the third person tense? The images are vivid enough, but as it reads, I find it difficult to know whether the narrator is observing or experiencing. The final stanza clears this up, but I think the poem could benefit from a consistent tense. "Issuing white plumes of used up" is a clever line in terms of both sound and meaning, but I think it loses something from the bullet-point like organization of prior lines and the use of "drawing" in the previous line. quote: I think this cements your context well. quote: Since you seem to be striving for "less is more" with this poem, why do you need "disjointed"? When is a clatter not disjointed? I don't think your line gains anything by adding the extra word, nor do I think it loses anything by editing it out. Sorry if the crits seemed petty, but I wanted to give you something. I like this snapshot approach and can appreciate the difficulty of writing something like this. I think it could benefit from eliminating some extraneous words and more generous use of the overlapping meaning and word sound you use in L3. Thanks for the read. Hope this was helpful. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (12-19-2003 10:01 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Well, squito's usually out full-force during the summer... too bad our summer sucked this year and it didn't get warm until July... and they were pretty mild... but I'll take mosquitoes over bitter, biting cold any day, thanks. I avoided the third person tense because I kind of wanted to leave it up in the air? Maybe it has something to do with the way I wrote it... this comes from my experience (and my hatred of cold) and I wasn't sure how to approach the issue of which voice to use... I just kind of decided at the end. Maybe it's too abrupt? I dunno, I thought first-person here would be a little too... self-pitying, I guess? It's probably not any better to paint yourself as that girl, cold and miserable, who treks on despite it all though, huh?  Oh well, I tried not to be as obvious about it.'drawing the collar up and issuing white plumes of used up' I could probably drop 'up' from the first line in this set, huh? Do you think that might tighten this and help the lack of punch with the second? I'm kind of partial to it -the idea of used up air, used up words, just being plain tired and morose- and I don't think I can bring myself to change it. In retrospect, I'm also wondering if 'draw the collar and issue white plumes of used up' would work better when you consider the more active line of 'sneeze and long for south' that follows it? Your comments were very helpful Jim, thanks a lot. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Perhaps "drawing the collar up below / issuing white plumes of used up" ... I like the sound of "issuing" moreso than "issue" ... the former is almost onomatopoeic for an exhale, and that is part of what made the line seem so cleverly worded to me. The disjointed voice in S1 does kinda fit in with the context. I'll have to think on that more. Glad I could be of some help. Jim P.S. Good thing it didn't get hot in Ohio more this summer ... the mercury hits the high 80's and you guys knockout most of the Northeastern power grid. P.P.S. I don't miss the tiger mosquitoes that prowl the Dismal Swamp region one bit. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
I liked this a lot. First, a couple minor comments. "drawing the collar up and issuing white plumes of used up from the downturned mouth" Using the word "up" twice in consecutive lines is distracting, especially if you want to stay with "used up" in which case you could try "drawing the collar close and" tho "and " is a weak line ender so perhaps "drawing the collar closer" The "used up" is clever, and broadens the scope of the poem from a simple snapshot of an instance to a snapshot of a life. It might suffer from being too clever, or too unsubtle. Tho if you were to replace "up" with "air", then "up" would have to back into the previous line, to balance the "downturned mouth" and that is an elegant symmetry, definitely keep that, it works. "sneeze and long for south" that lamentation, that straying from the Here and Now. a disjointed clatter of keys, wind sneaks in as she stretches her arm out to pluck them from the snow This is great. Keys being both literally and symbolically signs of control. Dropping the keys; both the futility of trying to be the controller, and also the ability to simultaneously unlock the beauty of the moment, and in the attempt to regain control, the wind, that aspect of our lives over which we have no control, both materially, and as the Breath of Life, sneaking in. The ambiguity left if this is just another cold, irritating annoyance, or the opportunity to carpe diem, a gift. The fresh wind in contrast to the used air. Or something like that. |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
loved it....just the way it 'tis, a wicked little powerhouse this is |
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