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Critical Analysis #2
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ParkingLots
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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ParkingLots |
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buckysimone Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 27 |
Parking lots Of Empty hearts Robotic minds unrest And through the silhouettes Silhouettes of uncertain lies Dead roses and tattered paintings Waxy fingers and toes Walking like a babies beginning Off-centered by salty pasts Think alike Through thick and thin Mechanical minds and childhood dreams Dreams of industrial futures Up brings identical beings Sick and tired Death and daunting Halting machines Completing their stops A new path, new people Let's drive Drive away This parking lot |
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| © Copyright 2003 buckysimone - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
Very stream-of-conscious; I like. The lack of punctuation makes it choppy and difficult to read, but I have a sneaking suspiscion that that's the way you wanted it. Ususally, I detest things that take time to understand; I want the answers now! But, the older I get, the more I appreciate poetry that doesn't give itself easily. You've created a complex poem that is still understandable. It reminds me of some of the themes brought up in Brave New World. Have you ever read your work aloud -- say, at an open mic night? This poem has a type of intrinsic ryhthm that, since the structure doesn't annouce it, has to be spoken aloud to be heard. Just a suggestion. Sight is an always awful beginning |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It doesn't work for me. This is not what I think of as stream-of-consciousness at all. The short lines may be all right but there is no correlation between them. Each stands alone and introduces an entirely new and disjoint topic. It is more than just a collection of words in that each line bears some meaning. As such, I guess it would be more a collection of unrelated lines. It might be improved if you made it a little less minimalistic and included some enjambment to help the flow and cohesiveness. JMHO, Pete |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
I sorta of liked it. A few of the early lines I didn't exactly get any intellectual acuity out of, but an emotional response, and the last 2/3s of it hung together pretty linearly I thought. Take Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot mets Just Another Brick in the Wall, with the clever little turn of words at the end wistfully hoping against hope for a better solution. Some might find that final wordplay a trifle trite but it worked for me. |
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