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Critical Analysis #2

Excruciate

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

0 posted 2003-11-23 09:50 PM

I told you not to look.
sleep unto a world
of dark and utter dispair
lives unfolded
on a page of crumbs
and ink of tears
fold these passions
tear these lines
grim saught discussion
in brown and yellow lies
yet hope amidst fake water resounds
resound this voice
fear released for but a moment
still dying, still crying
still seeking releaf of anguish
bleed into the pain
blame this shame
upon those creatures
black
cold
heartless
murderers
follow not the haunting voices
sink beneath the shadows
and remember this no more

---------------------------

i wrote this when i was extremely tired and edited it the next day when i was more awake. for some reason i don't like it. my own poem i don't like. oh well...just thought i would post it here before i deleted it.

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

tecoyah
Member

since 2003-11-16

Posts 83
NY

1 posted 2003-11-24 05:50 PM

Dont delete it....it has its merits but, more importantly it is art.

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

2 posted 2003-11-25 03:51 PM

okay...i guess i was just upset with my writing because i feel like it's not good enough sometimes. i want to get better. i want to pull myself above the "amature" status that I am at right now. thank you for reading it anyway.

- River

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

Katy Rose
Junior Member

since 2003-11-25

Posts 13

3 posted 2003-11-25 07:28 PM

Hi,

at first I wasn't sure whether or not the run-on structure of your poem wasn't maybe a distraction from what the poem is actually saying. I still have reservations but in reading to the end of the poem i think parts of the structure (esp the string of one word lines) are actually quite stark and bold.

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