Flames brought up from the ocean shore

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Little_White_Flowers
Junior Member

since 2002-01-27

Posts 23

0 posted 2002-05-20 08:51 PM

Flames brought up from the ocean shore
Only the sand gets a chance to adore
The Pain and beauty of it all. Two opposites,
Two so much the same, hiding in their own secrets.

Brought together in the pain of a forfeited friendship
Trying to hold the bonds of a flawed kinship
Blooming like a flower in the heat of the night
Petals and moon touch as they unite.

Like the rose with thorns, so our relationship has its own
Creeping over the petals, our problems are windblown.
Like knives in the grass, we cut each other deep
Never meaning it but never the less, it makes the stars weep.

Will this bond of togetherness
End in the thought of complete udder sadness
Last through the never-ending madness
The madness of a ancient emptiness

The sun brings the rays of a chilling heat
Or is that the icy glares we give as our eyes meet
Never knowing when it is tolerable
To stop the touch that we feel, it’s like broken crystal.

With wide eyed wonder at what has happened
Our hearts and tolerance for each other has strengthened
Lets not let this insanity take over our hearts
These new feelings flood our blood as the hate departs

Such a wonderful thing that can only be ours
Written in the heart of our inner memoirs
Friends we are through thick and thin
We have only but begun. .

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-05-21 11:44 AM

Hello LWF,

Welcome to CA. Things have been a little slow lately so it really is nice to hear a new voice.

I've just about used up all the time I have today but I do have one quick comment or two. In most cases, rhyming poetry works much better when it maintains a consistent, or nearly consistent, meter. It can be quite difficult to write more or less random meter and include consistent rhyme without giving the impression that you are just overworking yourself to make lines rhyme. The end result is apparent forced rhyme. This is particularly noticeable when you choose rhyming couplets as you have done here.

Also, most of your rhymes do not truly rhyme. They are near rhymes instead. A few of these scattered in a poem of this length can also serve to break monotony but usually only a few are acceptable before it begins to look like you just don't understand rhymes.

Finally, to rhyme words which are not stressed on the last syllable, you have to rhyme at the last stressed syllable then have the remaining syllables identical in sound.

In this poem, I would suggest that you either work on the meter or drop the rhyming and just go for free verse. If you choose the latter route, we have other folks here better equiped to advise you.

Of course this is all just one opinion and not a particularly knowledgeable one at that. If you don't agree then wait cetainly for others or just ignore completely.

Thanks for joining us. I'm sure you will enjoy it here.

Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-05-27 12:42 PM

Err... yes, well, Pete has some good pointers if you opt for the traditional route. (personally, I think uneven rhyming lines are more fun to work with because you can choose to alter length in order to highlight certain points within the poem, but I do agree that it can be very difficult to do.)

Anyway, I think that your poem could use more work on content and word choice than the metrical mechanics... or rather, before we get to the metrical mechanics.

Mostly, think about what you are really saying, don't let rhyme trip up your message. For example:

'Flames brought up from the ocean shore
Only the sand gets a chance to adore
The Pain and beauty of it all. Two opposites,
Two so much the same, hiding in their own secrets.'

You use passive phrasing here- who is bringing the flames up from the shore? The sand? It can't be anyone else, because your second line tells us the sand is the only one around... but that doesn't make sense. Flames cannot just be brought- someone has to be doing the bringing. And also, you don't specify who the two opposites are- flame and ocean? Flame and sand? Clarity is a good thing, especially in the beginning of a poem. You want a good strong image, idea, or statement to draw the reader in.

'Will this bond of togetherness
End in the thought of complete udder sadness
Last through the never-ending madness
The madness of a ancient emptiness'

Eek! Udder sadness? I'm picturing a cow udder crying. I think the spelling you're looking for is "utter." Also, the repeated "-ess" rhyme (personally, I don't consider suffixes to really be rhyming words anyway...) is pretty weak and breaks from a pre-established pattern.

There are also quite a few grammatical errors you'll want to smooth out.

Aside from the crits, I would like to say that I loved the line 'Petals and moon touch as they unite.' Very good imagery, try to work more stuff like that into this.

Hope I've helped.

"deeper is life than lose: higher than have
-but beauty is more each than living's all"
-E.E. Cummings

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