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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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lilblondepimpette Junior Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 10LA, Calfornia, USA |
In a world gripped with evil More taking than giving We have a reminder of how precious life is. We don't see it, its not there, we imagine every little detail no one can tell us that what we have imagined is wrong, we don't care. We can't stand not knowing, knowing would kill us but there are some things we shouldn't keep hidden. We get more than we need we need more than we love what could be happening? its all just a blur, a moment where we can't process whats going on I love you, I hate you, two of our favorite phrases Too much too little whats the difference? |
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| © Copyright 2003 Taylor Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marty Baird Member
since 2003-09-20
Posts 90Georgia, U.S. |
Thanks I enjoyed the read  |
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lilblondepimpette Junior Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 10LA, Calfornia, USA |
your welcome. I wrote it yesterday and have no idea what it meant, LOL please everyone let me know what you think of it, (i.e. what should i change, what Do you think the meaning is, and anything to make my work better.) thanx Taylor |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2003 09:54 PM).] |
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Toad Member
since 2002-06-16
Posts 161 |
What has a name used in a poetry forum got to do with how ‘serious’ or ‘decent’ your poetry is? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2003 09:55 PM).] |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
well, on a more positive note welcome, and in regards to your poetry (isn't that what matters?) i think your poem is kinda vague and you're trying to say alot, i'm just not exactly sure what. i think if you made it more concrete in detail that it would help. oh, and i love the name. "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2003 09:57 PM).] |
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lilblondepimpette Junior Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 10LA, Calfornia, USA |
Thanks for all your HONESTY!!!!!! I just started writing that and didn't know what I was saying, LoL I do that a lot. But Thanks rich-pa I like your name too!!! I LOVE my name however!!!!!! lilblondepimpette haha I am a pimpette!!!! woohoo Taylor -- if you don't like my sn just call me Taylor |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
if that's what she feels is appropriate, then yes, let her be, but my point was that it's not important. |
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lilblondepimpette Junior Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 10LA, Calfornia, USA |
aww thanks...you're soo nice!!! |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2003 09:55 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As long as it isn't obscene, I suppose the name doesn't really mean a lot. But, on the other hand, I can see how Essorant might be turned off by it. It is a "first impression," after all and first impressions can sometimes be hard to overcome. As for me, I think I like Taylor better. Pete |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2003 09:56 PM).] |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
if she takes to it it's not much of an insult now is it? maybe for some...ah, yet wait, it's not important. i forgot about that part. on that note argue as you will, i'm out of this discussion. "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2003 09:56 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Monitors, This is really hard to believe. You reveal your most sullen, hypocritical side on substantive albeit controversial threads dealing with honest worthwhile debates, while here you continue to encourage vapid quasi-musings on as irrelevant a topic as you’d expect to encounter on any critique forum. And, still no real critiquing going on! Ess, You can’t pick people’s SN’s for them. Get over it! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well Sid, thought you were leaving? No? Then why don't YOU come back to CA and actually critique eh? Rather than participate in a conversation of such vapid quasi-musings...  K |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Taylor, you'll have to forgive Essorant, he seems to think we should all still wear chastity belts and corsets. In regards to your poetry... I think before you expect us to tell you what you mean, you should figure it out for yourself. You have a scattered collection of phrases here that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. My personal opinion is that you could focus in on the idea of imagining the truth because you can't stand knowing, or not knowing, and construct something more coherent. |
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lilblondepimpette Junior Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 10LA, Calfornia, USA |
cynicsRus Nicely said about the screen names...LOL Thanx Hush I will try that, I was thinking about it in class today and I kind of found what I meant but I am still going deeper into it, LOL I just started writing and those words came out of the pen and onto my paper, almost by themselves, I swear. But thanks for the helpful suggestion!! And don't worry people can say whatever they want about my screen name because I honestly don't care because I like it and thats all that matters. Like my AIM sn is: midolqueen7393 Taylor (pimpin' ain't easy) |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-03-2003 09:56 PM).] |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
ok, i don't want anything to do with the whole name game thing going on in here (get over it people) but i just wanted to say to lilblondepimpette, (about the POeM) : i'm sorry, lol, but it reminds me of the poems that i write when i am half asleep. i'm not trying to be cruel at all here, but i would suggest putting a lot more effort into this...because...honestly...(((i don't like it))) because it just seems...dry?...if that's the word i can use to describe it?...my suggestion is to pull out a good thesaurus or dictionary and work on your vocabulary and rhyming technique. i'm not saying to trash the poem altogether, but some spicy-er words...or metaphors...or something (knowledge of what you are trying to say) and some clever rhyming might make this a really good poem. =). hope this helps, and like they say, "practice makes perfect"... i think this one was worth the effort, at least. - River Love hurts as bad as it feels good. [This message has been edited by River (11-03-2003 09:37 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Severn, I’d been biting my tongue on this one believing that the writing wasn’t much better than…um…another…recent, ”hotly debated” post. I’m quite sure, if I’d given any sort of critique at the beginning it would have brought out all the “critic-come-lately’s” in their more comfortable defensive posture—claws and fangs at the ready. I’m afraid that, lately, fear of distressing sensitive egos has so taken over, that bluntness seems to have taken a backseat to blandness. (Actually, it is better than that “other one” I referred to…slightly.) Taylor, It appears you at least made an attempt at giving this one a bit of rhythm. Other than that, there’s not much really exciting happening. As Hush already accurately assessed, this is merely a collection of unrelated phrases. You can’t toss scattered ideas onto paper and then expect everyone to figure it out for you. I don’t believe that’s the purpose of a critique forum. You should consider doing a bit of homework yourself—a bit of reading on the mechanics of poetry—and then consider following River’s advice. He’s already summed up the solution to this one pretty clearly. And, practice can only help. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (11-03-2003 10:53 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Sid - truly, smiling in appreciation. It is nice to see you still in here. Ess - ah Ess. You're doing it again. Deleting all your posts. Why do you do that? I'm going to challenge you, yet again. Firstly hon, look - it's OK to have opinions that some people disagree with all right? You don't HAVE to delete everything you say that causes an outlash of debate/disagreement. I honestly feel like saying - get a backbone! In the gentlest way possible, with a hug attached. Secondly - it throws the entire thread into a mish-mash, a thread that is literally missing half of its substance. Please think on these two things, Ess... K |
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lilblondepimpette Junior Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 10LA, Calfornia, USA |
thanks for being honest people. But just for the record right after I posted I figured out what I meant with that poem, and that was a poem I threw together in like uh 5 minutes my other poems (the ones I like better) took me like days upon days to figure out. But thanks for the honesty because now I know that I really can't throw a poem together in like 5 minutes. Taylor (pimpin' ain't easy) |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
Very good work! Grover. |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
this is a nice try. too broad, though. maybe you should focus on a single thought or feeling . |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Grover... do you actually ever critique anything? |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
Hush.. that was a very good comment. I really enjoyed it, Gourd. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
First, drop the color and the center justification. It's irritating. In a world gripped with evil More taking than giving --How about an image? We have a reminder of how precious life is. We don't see it, its not there, --Then how is it a 'reminder'? we imagine every little detail --This has got to be the most ironic line here. I kind of like that. Made me smile. no one can tell us that what we have imagined is wrong, --Why not? we don't care. --So the earlier lines actually mean that you won't listen to anyone telling you that what you imagined was wrong? We can't stand not knowing, knowing would kill us --This might be fun if you expanded it. It's a contradiction, but it does open up a tension. but there are some things we shouldn't keep hidden. --Useless. We get more than we need we need more than we love what could be happening? its all just a blur, a moment where we can't process whats going on I love you, I hate you, two of our favorite phrases Too much too little whats the difference? --Ultimately a poem about apathy. I realized that you said that you didn't know what it meant, but this yearning to feel something, to know, to care and almost immediately the retreat occurs throughout the poem. Kurt Cobain should be your model if you want to pursue this. |
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