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merlynh
Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 411
deer park, wa

0 posted 2003-10-29 06:45 PM

                    The Other Gate
He shakes the reins of a dead horse with blinders on
Legs once bleed from thorns alone the path,
Now worn to the bone.

No end to the trolly ride
No end to the madness that haunts a shackled soul
Who whips his tormenter toward eternity,
Back around, back again,

He rides until judgement day
To be put back on another track,
After he is sent away from knocking on the door.

He laughs with a grin,
Now knows where he’s been;
Little sheep he has taken from the fold.

Preacher Jim, you have condemned your very soul!
Go screaming around your track.
Go screaming, “Go!”
The devil owns your soul and you ride to hell’s gate.

Like cans behind a wedding car you drag your stolen souls,
Threw brimstone and fire your chariot wheels roll
To the lake of fire you go.

At the bubbling red pool you greet
Brother Jake,
Reverend Jack,

And your clever friend,
You now see,
Smiles back.

The fear of all fears you give your heart to
When you read those holly words
You thought were yours.

A fool led astray
Who took so many in
Rewards were given
When he pitched you in.
© 2003 by Merlyn Hearn

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-10-29 10:09 PM

An interesting start Merlynh. But before I can generate much internal interest, I first expect you to expend the time to fix you spelling and typographical and other errors.

L1 needs punctuation.
L2, alone s/b along.
L4 needs punctuation.
L10 needs punctuation removed.
L19 needs punctuation and threw s/b through.
L28 holly s/b holy.
L31 needs punctuation.

You will receive much better response if you try to fix these too obvious errors before asking me to correct them for you.

Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-11-01 11:00 AM

Were the mistakes intentional? Were some of them even mistakes?

I found:

'Legs once bleed from thorns alone the path,
Now worn to the bone.'

To be a really interesting image, and the wording was neat.

A couple things. I think this tends to be a little too sing-songy, as in:

'Preacher Jim, you have condemned your very soul!
Go screaming around your track.
Go screaming, 'Go!'
The devil owns your soul and you ride to hell's gate.'

It almost sounds like you're trying to be Edgar Allen Poe, but it aint working.

Also, you seem to ahve some really interesting images mixed with some that are very cliche, such as:

'Like cans behind a wedding car you drag your stolen souls,'

Really neat image, it's just so unsettling... but then:

'Threw brimstone and fire your chariot wheels roll
To the lake of fire you go.'

Eh? (BTW, not so sure threw here is an error either, but I'm not sure the play on words you seem to have attempted works.) It's just sort of... blase I guess. I'm not really interested here... I skim it because I've read such similar things so many times before.

Anyway, it is an interesting start, and I hope I've helped.

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