Sunday Morning Sermon Of Fog

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Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

0 posted 2003-10-17 09:03 AM

OK.. I posted this in open and though ( as some would say "to be expected")it got favorable comments. There are two or three places in the body I am not satisfied with myself, but have not changed it from the orginal to see what you learned and pointed scholars pick up on.

I'm hoing to validate the parts I have issue with before I re-write and possibly be advised of other areas you might find troublesome...

If that is... it is worth the effort to critique..and if it could be considered poetry at all..

thanks
Clouds came down this day
and rode across the skin of wave
to hold me
in arms chill as I would travel
with small whirlpools my only sign
and the sing of line
cast
caring not for catch
but for reprieve

Even the stones wept
at beauty

and all that missed was you
to smile and silence embrace
in a glide of morning sun

Long the time has gone
when such mornings as this
would meet our rise
after passions spent left coffee
and the glow of cheek
to replace our join

Such as it was
           brief in recompense
for the intense
  can not hold long
until there comes an ending refrain
that chorus I remembered
and would have had
the soft of your lips on mine
and your eyes
                 developing these images
in simple 4-4 time.

Small the whirlpools
that sucked me in
into thoughts perhaps

but no....

that was then

Today I simply glide
      One stroke before turned J
To guide me straight
Until the sun should rise
And I watch in awe
        The fingers of fog reach
To touch the face of god

As I too stretch my hands
But find the air too thin for gravid thoughts
Such as I might pretend
To birth this or any morn
And leave as bastard child of want

Denied grace of word
        And cursed for lack of name

Other than the simple word

Love

Marty Baird
Member

since 2003-09-20

Posts 90
Georgia, U.S.

1 posted 2003-10-17 02:30 PM

I'm not up-to-date on rules so like others who enjoyed, can only go with the feelings it produces. If there are problems its certainly worth updating

j0n4th4n
Member

since 2003-03-11

Posts 94

2 posted 2003-10-17 02:50 PM

i really enjoyed reading this! which isnt normal for me, as normally i dont like reading poetry, but this was excellent and it really flowed. it seems like a painting of words.

well done.

merc
Junior Member

since 2003-10-15

Posts 35

3 posted 2003-10-17 03:07 PM

I normally don't like poetry, especially formless poetry, but this was an excellent poem.

I think it has an excellent flow to it, I'm glad you didn't go overboard with metaphor as most formless poets seem to do.

It seems to me that this poem, in all it's eloquence, came from a single moment of pure experience. And in that moment you simply uttered the poem in it's entirety.

By which I mean, It's great and you are probably your hardest critic.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2003-10-17 04:13 PM

Oh boy...

Clouds came down this day
and rode across the skin of wave
to hold me

You immediately make a person feel the poem.

in arms chill as I would travel
with small whirlpools my only sign
and the sing of line
cast
caring not for catch
but for reprieve

then you set the scene.  One immediately knows where, and why.  You open it up to allow the reader the isolationist feel you are experiencing.

Even the stones wept
at beauty

and all that missed was you
to smile and silence embrace
in a glide of morning sun

You see what others do not, but bring it gently to their attention.  No need to slap them on the back and say "look here!"

Long the time has gone
when such mornings as this
would meet our rise
after passions spent left coffee
and the glow of cheek
to replace our join

Such as it was
           brief in recompense
for the intense
  can not hold long
until there comes an ending refrain
that chorus I remembered
and would have had
the soft of your lips on mine
and your eyes
                 developing these images
in simple 4-4 time.

Small the whirlpools
that sucked me in
into thoughts perhaps

but no....

that was then

You take a privately held moment, and let the sun greet memories, which you seem to calmly tuck away again, as if you were putting it back into your wallet, and pocket, for another time.

Today I simply glide
      One stroke before turned J
To guide me straight
Until the sun should rise
And I watch in awe
        The fingers of fog reach
To touch the face of god

A slide into the present.

As I too stretch my hands
But find the air too thin for gravid thoughts
Such as I might pretend
To birth this or any morn
And leave as bastard child of want

Denied grace of word
        And cursed for lack of name

Other than the simple word

Love

And the lesson is taught.  Quietly, unpretentiously, but with some mystery as you somehow faded into the fog before anyone gets the chance to thank you.

There are times when I read your works that I mentally drop an "and" here and there, or a "the", and sometimes I find myself inserting commas now and then, but I would never add an ellipsis to your free verse, because you draw the lines such that they are there, but invisible.

It would be so good to HEAR you read your work.  I can imagine it now!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2003-10-17 06:59 PM

Well Ron, you blew this one right by me but then I do have this mind block for free verse. I have to say that the words sounded good together but I really didn't get much meaning from it. From the other comments it would appear that is my fault rather than yours. I really can't offer much of a useful critique other than what I already said, the words sounded good as I read them.

Pete

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

6 posted 2003-10-17 07:07 PM

Pete..lol.. us free versers are a painful lot to understand at times, and not sure what we do could be called poetry in the strictest sense. Sunshine wasn't far off the intent in her read and comments, and the lesson intended while not perhaps plainly spoken is that sometimes no words or thoughts are the equal of that one word.. and that word applied to not only humans but to all that "God" has placed before us, the beauty and the loss...

maybe, in fact this is not poetry, lol, I could live with that... but what ever it is, I seem to enjoy doing it and as long as it doesn't annoy too many people.. sharing it.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2003-10-18 10:04 AM

Well, I would certainly never claim it to not be poetry, just not my style. I have tried FV a couple of times and, thanks to some help from those who know, some of it even sounds acceptable. Of course that is my own biased opinion

And I did get the main gist of yours. It's just that much of the word combinations...wel, you know what I mean. I still say it sounded good anyway.

Pete

Illigitimi Non Carborundum

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

8 posted 2003-10-18 11:52 AM

I’d have to say, definitely poetic. You have some really nice things going on here. I was drawn by the relatively smooth overall cadence. There are a few things that just seemed to jump out at me though. Of course, one can always go through and nit pick the entire piece, but the rest—as implied—are merely “nits,” and I’m sure you’ll be spending more time trying to polish and perfect this one anyway. At least, I think you should.

quote:
and rode across the skin of wave

I’d make it plural, since the “skin” is actually “waves”

quote:
Even the stones wept
at beauty

and all that missed was you

I think you need a definitive pronoun here. “…all they missed”, “…all I missed” etc.

quote:
to smile and “silence” embrace

would sound better as “silently,” and would not interrupt the nice flow you’ve maintained.

quote:
in a glide of morning sun

and the glow of cheek
to replace our “join”

This word doesn’t work. I think you mean something like “interlude”

quote:

and would have had
the soft of your lips on mine[quote]
“soft” should be “softness”
and your eyes
developing these images
in simple 4-4 time.

It seems to me like you’re mixing your metaphors here, but maybe I just failed to grasp your point.

quote:
Small the whirlpools
that “sucked” me in

This word always bothers me in poetry. It makes me think of something out of a “teen-angst” forum. There are much more effective words out there. Check your Thesaurus.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primerhymeetc.com

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

9 posted 2003-10-22 07:22 AM

I don't have time to amuse but want to pop up this up with Elizabeth's poem. Does anybody else see the problem with this and the other? Both are potentially very powerful but meander.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

10 posted 2003-10-22 07:47 AM

Hm...and here I am thinking of Paterson....

K

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

11 posted 2003-10-22 08:50 PM

Brad

Potentially is powerfully.

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

12 posted 2003-10-23 09:23 AM

actually...it does meander..and does so in part intentionally. Perhaps the intent of the meander is less important and it would be stronger if it was more direct, but I had hoped to capture the way we arrive at things in our own minds...and that the journey is one that meanders across time and across thoughts, seldom realized in an instant but more a slow seeping in of the understanding.

If the meandering of this, does indeed distract, I should evaluate the approach and consider revising, if not this one, at least anything I attempt in the future.

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