Two quick poems (Yes, I'm new here.)

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strings0305
New Member

since 2003-10-01

Posts 6

0 posted 2003-10-01 09:55 PM

LIGHTING MATCHES

one after another
sulfur smell,
scenes torn from an orange-red flim

lasting a moment or a breath.

UNTITLED

I refuse to speak,
the moon isn't setting and fog is
there
in my eyes.
--------------------------------

I've never taken a formal class that dealt specifically with crafting poetry. That in mind, my style tends to be a patchwork quilt, sewn together with stolen patches from poets that I have read. :P

And before I ramble any more - comments and critique welcome.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-10-01 11:31 PM

Hello Strings and welcome to the forum. I'm sure you will find it a worthwhile venture. Check the guidelines and comment on others' works. Meanwhile, check your email.

Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2003-10-03 01:33 AM

I like both of these.

In Lighting Matches, in line 3, is 'flim' supposed to be film?

Also, I'm not sure how I feel about 'sulfur smell'... sulfur sounds a little too scientific and conjures up unpleasant sensory images... and smell feels pretty generic next to it.

BTW, 'lasting a moment or a breath.' I really like this last line.

Now, as for untitled... I'm torn between liking the mystery about it an really wanting to know more. Who does the narrator refuse to speak to, is my biggest question.

Hope I've helped.

strings0305
New Member

since 2003-10-01

Posts 6

3 posted 2003-10-03 01:57 AM

Oh, yes. That was supposed to be film. I have a horrible habit of not proof reading things.

I used "sulfur smell" for precisely that effect, so thank you for confirming that it worked. :P

As far as untitled goes, I wrote it specifically so that an individual could find her/his own truth in it. My only true goal was to make my reader wonder... Make her/him speak through the narrator's refusal to do the same.

Thank you for your comment, I'll be sure to look for some of your work and give you the same.

Persona
New Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 9

4 posted 2003-10-03 02:58 AM

I dont usually dont like really short poems, because they feel more like concepts then poems to me. I understand what your saying though, wanting the reader to come up with there own conclusion and what not. But I think for at least your first poem on the site to be a complete, full poem, to desplay your talent and style, nah mean? I love the concepts though, if you could write more on the topics and make it work I would give you major props more so the first one then the second though. Keep postin

pandonov
Member

since 2003-10-03

Posts 478
b/w conscience and insolence

5 posted 2003-10-03 03:59 AM

both are pretty cool. short but creative.

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