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Critical Analysis #2
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Small Things
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Small Things |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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i there are moments when leaving is attractive not because you are unattractive no, I feel light around you most days ii you look in the morning like warm there's the muss of your hair and sleep iii there's something in that: you, playing war games and shrugging into a couch watching rugby like any man and later spread under lightning discussing sub-atomic particles [This message has been edited by Severn (09-25-2003 06:11 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I have to say - I have been tempted, and found myself unable to resist. All this discussion of capitals and punctuation. This, my friends, is the only poem I have written ALL year. hehehehehe... Pete - no caps. Three pieces of deliberately placed punctuation. more evil laughing.. I'll shut up now. I'm not even meant to be here!  K |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
  At least you can say you have written something which is more than I can say. Good to see you again.  How ya doin'?Pete |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I like this. Rob and I were just talking a while back about simplicity and clarity and how it is probably the most honest, natural way to Grace. I think this is a good sample of that. Where hast been these days? You should stay around a while. Passions is brighter when you're here... |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this... although I must admit there are some bits I don't understand. I think I get the numbering of the secions- in a way- that you are trying to show three distinct views of a cohabitance... but is there a special signifigance to the order? It seems that you start out 'when leaving is attractive' in i, then progress to the times when the narrator 'feels light' in ii- is this a fair assumption? I feel light when I wake up and see my mussy boyfriend in bed next to me... but this even might be different for someone who's feeling restless, perhaps drawn by the idea of something less mundane? And I must admit that iii has me fairly confused. he's basically just this guy (good thing or bad thing?) he's also a very intelligent guy who discusses sub-atomic particles... under lightning? Is it one of those romantic, ooh let's go out and see the storm things- or is it one of those what the hell are you doing out in the rain you idiot things? the line that really mystifies me is: 'there's something in that:' In what? That which comes before, or after? For the most part, these confusions aren't a bad thing, because I feel like the ambiguity is a critical element here- that I'm supposed to ask myself all these things. By the way, I love the style, and am quite fond of the lack of caps and punctuation here. Thanks for a fun read... I'd like to say I hope I've helped, but I don't feel like I've said anything especially helpful... eh? It was my two cents. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Pete: I'm doing reasonably well actually.  Have you had writer's block too? I've had more than that - I lost my muse. I think it might be coming back...slowly. Ah ya never know...anyway - how are you? Ess - you know, I read what you said a couple of days ago and the more I think on it, the more I think that's a really nice thing to say (in terms of the Grace comment). I don't think I'm anywhere near Grace myself. Haven't been for some time. Hadn't thought about it in terms of poetry. If one sees reaching the state of Grace as a journey, and simplicity as the journey - then that's my poetry I guess. And where have I been? Away from passions - I'm still technically 'away' but couldn't help stopping in this time. I'm away because I need\ed a break from this place, for several reasons. Hugs to you for your comment. Hush - grin. Hm...usually, whenever I write in numbered stanzas it signifies quite separate, but linked, moments, or events. Usually they're based in the real. That was the case this time. I'm too pedantic not to have a specific order. ~rolling eyes at self~ Stanza 1 originally started 'there are mornings' but then I realised that would create dread repetition (can't have that god help me lol). He's just this guy - oh, very good thing. Very good thing indeed haha. Normal yet crazy this one. The lightning was late at night after the rugby. The thing about NZ - we have maybe one major lightning storm per year. We might be lucky enough to get one burp of thunder and a pitiful poof of lightning. This one lasted 2-3 hours...so there we both were, at 2am, with the curtains open...discussing sub-atomic particles and going 'ooooh...ahhhh'. (laughing here) 'There's something in that' - as each stanza is a separate thing that related to stanza iii. What comes after. As far as ambiguity is concerned - Ess is correct about the simplicity as far as the style is concerned, but I've never been one to spell it all out I guess... Really glad you stopped by.. (ps - you did help, in that actually discussing a poem I wrote gets me just that much further past this persistent writer's block). Cheers guys K[This message has been edited by Severn (09-27-2003 02:30 AM).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Given your lack of muse this year-- 'tis no small thing you have written here. I see you are continuing in the minimalist style you had been gravitating toward prior to your sabbatical. Fortunately, you have the talent to pull it off nicely. Prolly just me,,, but 'shrugging into a couch' didn't seem to fit. quite all in all-- friglog HK>LK  JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Hi Kamla I like this...simple, yet complex, like the guy you describe. That is what is appealing about the poem for me, and the guy for you?  |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Hi K, good to see you! i've enjoyed your latest offering, as always, but this poem feels strangely incomplete to me. you said in your first stanza, "leaving is attractive" and i guess i feel compelled to deduce a reason why in your later stanzas. does the poet feel so because despite the fact that this guy can converse intelligently about sub-atomic particles, he is just your regular Joe (and watches rubgy. Yucks! )? or is it because she may be intimidated by how he can talk about sub-atomic particles in the midst of a lightning storm--not exactly the most romantic thing to do huh?i would like more information so that i can better indulge in my curiosity about "why leaving is attractive?" that said, i like this very much--a refreshing departure from your more loaded pieces. and you've explicitly stated that you feel light. and this another K feels happy that you're happy hope life's well  [This message has been edited by kaile (09-28-2003 12:19 AM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
J - hah. Someone's feeling self-concious, you're so see-through hahaha. Ahem. Thank you for your reply. I actually hate saying this - but the shrugging is in there precisely because it doesn't fit. (You know, I'd be banned on pffa for arguing with the critiquer ~shivers~ Didn't I get banned there once before? Hmm..off topic. Anyway...) However - tell me why not (email or next time on phone if you want) and I can consider it. Appreciate your thoughts as also, good talking today and talk soon...huggles from the Tigger meister. MLP - actually the poem isn't really a reflection of the guy at all. In fact, the poem is all about me (gee, how unusual snicker) and how I *react* to the guy. Who isn't simple - yet sure as hell isn't difficult..just a bit vague really...I'll get muddled soon. Hugs and stuff...Kaile - hey you! So good to speak to/read you again. You have hit the mark matey - incomplete. Jamie mentioned minimalism - my poetic path it seems. Within my style I attempt to create an impression of incompleteness - moments. Leaving lots of space around an image - a before, an after, a then, a where, a why, an end. It's all wide open. So that feeling you get - that's a success to me. Also - as said to Hush, each stanza is linked yet separate. Neither of the following stanzas accounts for why leaving is attractive. Stanza's ii & iii outline small reasons why leaving is definitely not attractive... The thing is - in this poem there simply IS no accounting for why leaving is attractive. Which perhaps adds a loaded element of its own... Muse muse muse away... (By the way - rugby is cool. So there. Well only if it's the national teams. If it's just provinical hicks trying to kill each other on the field - hell no). Gee..you get huggles too. K |
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dingusjr Member
since 2003-09-24
Posts 415Missouri |
it is my opinion that puntuation is just not that important. Its the imagery and thoughts that I look for.......and you have some VERY good stuff here. Larry [This message has been edited by dingusjr (09-29-2003 05:13 PM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
May I just insert that the imagery was wonderful, it's good to see that face again, and I enjoyed reading everyone else's picking it apart and putting it back together... and having a chance to say, Welcome home... |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I think the I's have it,"iii," sounds Italian, even though I understand it is your way of being excited. This is wonderfully delightful change you have here. Thanks for sharing. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
dingusjr - Oh it's important all right - though not necessarily within the context of certain poems...in fact, when it comes to poetry it can be many things: a hindrance, a tool to highlight, a mistake heh. Thanks for your words... Kari - hugs. I appreciate you coming by so much, and you know the rest.. merlynh - hm. This is the second time you have had me scratching my head today. My way of being excited? Well, no, not really. It's my way of creating division. The (italian?) numerals serve to divide the stanzas in a visual sense. But, please, can you explain the excited part? That's interesting... K |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Severn I'm not sure but I think merlynh is refferring to the "i" used as numeral as it were the pronoun "I" imagining you are getting more "I"xcited every stanza |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Oh. Ok...I can see that, I can see that.. Merlyhn?  K[This message has been edited by Severn (10-01-2003 11:39 PM).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
yey, i made you feel like a success! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
What about dropping the first two stanzas and leaving the third to stand on its own? The first is boring. The second has potential, but seems out of place. The third is good. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hi Kamla, It has been a while since I read you… hence I thought: though I am not much good with critiquing other people’s works… I will give it a try… You can start aiming your stones … but hold on while I finish… and then give me a chance to duck for cover… ok. first things last… iii I find “shrugging into a couch” perfect… very practical … and I love the stanza, though I would have different line breaks and reduce the “ing”s perhaps -------------- there's something in that: you: playing war games and shrugging into a couch watching rugby like any man and later spread under lightning discussing sub-atomic particles I just think that ‘you’ and ‘any man’ deserve their own lines … because the ‘he’ is made to appear important(and that fits my complete explanation at the end) while doing simple things like watching a game (on television) and so unimportant like any man while doing the rare intellectual thing… that’s my view… and I do think that reflects reality as well… people make a hash of simple things (though it is more important to get them right) while excelling in performing great or special feats… Also, while doing the simple thing men don’t tend to show off and are in a ‘shrugging’ mode and they really try to 'spread' larger than life while they show off or brag about something seemingly impressive... just to draw the ooohhhhhh and aaaaahhhhhs ii I find this stanza slightly vague and a touch too minimalistic… but hey, if that is how you want it, so be it… but I would like you to expand this one a bit more the first, second and third time I read the stanza, I came up with “so what…” at the end of it… is that what you expect from the reader? i If the comma after “no” is to attract a pause… well, the pause I had was too short… perhaps a period or a line break or both would have worked better… my honest op… I did think the line “most days” was most effective and sort of provides the completeness to the poem (in my own twisted ways, perhaps) … however “feeling light” could be a mix of several interconnected feelings: feeling light hearted or amused, feeling irresponsible and in a fun mood (playing/watching games?) and feeling heavy in the head or pained with detachùment when he begins to discuss sub-atomic particles… thinking there he goes again… bragging etc… so maybe ‘she’ feels great around him and finds him most attractive when he does the simple small things with not much ado but well… no lightning stories, no alarms, no surprises… well, that’s one view out of many possible with this one… thanks for the chance for probably making a meal of this one… regards sudhir P.S. I, maybe, took the meaning farthest away from what you meant to write about… but meanings are just that… and I am just a hack |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Fantastic Kamla, you have am incredible gift for relaying moments/images captured, almost cinematic. The only critique i have is with the line breaks in the third stanza. They felt a bit awkward unless this is the feel you were going for? Also the ands, I'd lose one or both there's something in that: you, playing war games shrugging into a couch watching rugby like any man and later spread under lightning discussing sub-atomic particles ..perhaps? well regardless just nice to see words again |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Brad, Suddy and Raph... all concerns duly noted ~smirk~ (and Raph - get your butt into this forum more often please - that's an order lol). K |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i miss your writing, Kamla |
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mc Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 67México |
Hey Kamla, long time no see... I am soo excited to have found the page again!!! I want to write and I want to be a part of this family again, I just can't seem to remember how to post and all, so I'll try my best to be back!! Hope to hear from you soon, and hopefully you remember me... I want to upload a picture but I can't, maybe they're heavy, dunno. greetings, MC mcestrada |
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mc Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 67México |
Again... I don't know if you got my last reply, I'm so looking forward of being admitted again in this family. Hopefully you remember me... MC mcestrada |
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mc Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 67México |
Again... I don't know if you got my last reply, I'm so looking forward of being admitted again in this family. Hopefully you remember me... MC mcestrada |
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