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Critical Analysis #2
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Two Lights
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Two Lights |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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In a moment of ravaged metal and flying glass two lights went dark. I wasn’t there – didn’t see mother and son lost didn’t hear father’s sobs that followed – but I almost can now. The month-old news that reached my ear today doesn’t seem as real as my recollection of mother’s gentle presence and the little professor who loved maps. Life weighed heavily on their shoulders but love lightened the label’s weight and though they died, they died loved. So even as the darkness draws my disposition down, the boy on horseback at Aaron’s Acres smiles forever on the pages of my memory. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Nice-smoothly done for such a piece. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Jim, very sad poem you have here... I read it a couple of times now... have a few suggestions for ya to use or lose..... In a moment of ravaged metal and flying glass two lights went dark. *** Kinda wondering if ravaged is the word you want here... my thoughts went along the lines of mangled/twisted/grinding... and with the two lights.... maybe you would like to say 'two lives flickered like a lightbulb, then dark'.... or 'two lights flickered to dark'... not too sure, but I think you need something to bring out the moment more, you know what I mean...... I wasn’t there – didn’t see mother and son lost didn’t hear father’s sobs that followed – but I almost can now. *** I might just go with 'Absent' on that first line... then ' I didn't see....' and instead of going with lost, why not just say dead... don't think you need 'that followed' either... it's up to you tho... The month-old news that reached my ear today doesn’t seem as real as my recollection of mother’s gentle presence and the little professor who loved maps. *** perhaps 'vision' to replace recollection or even mental vision.... and, that last line, oh my.... so sad..... Life weighed heavily on their shoulders but love lightened the label’s weight and though they died, they died loved. *** this is a car crash, yes?... perhaps 'life crashed down'.... I might change the last line to something like 'they knew love' if for any other reason that to get rid of one 'died'..... So even as the darkness draws my disposition down, the boy on horseback at Aaron’s Acres smiles forever on the pages of my memory. *** I might end that line as 'will smile forever on a page of my memory'.... something to think about.... Hope this helped a bit Jim.... CJ |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Just went through one hell of a typhoon so I can relate to this. I think you need to expand on this imagery more. Give us the moment, not two lines that invoke it for you. quote: If you set up the first stanza right, this one can concentrate on the father, no need to be so general. Still, I liked that 'almost can now' part. quote: More, more, more. This just seems rushed. quote: Much more to play with here, WTC and weight definitely work together, but I think you can work a the symmetry a bit more here. quote: Drop the last line and write the image of the boy on horseback, a kind of epitaph. Remember at the end of Godfather part III, they have a flashback to the dinner in I (about the only thing really good about that movie). Shoot for something like that. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Merlynh: Thanks for reading. CJ & Brad: Thanks for the thoughtful comments. I'm sure they'll help me overcome my writer's block. CJ got it right (a car crash), but I didn't give anyone reason to know this for certain. I suppose, to the reader, it could be read as a poem about the WTC. Rather than give you more specifics now, I'll see if my rewrite can illuminate them for you. I will go back to the drawing board and, hopefully, repost something soon. Jim |
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