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Critical Analysis #2

A Moral Converse (at Sea)

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

0 posted 2003-08-31 02:41 PM

A Moral Converse (at Sea)

"Boatsire, what choose, now how shall we
convey to grace this argosy?
What if one curse and if he will
to wreak on us ruin and ill?
Should we not throw him to the sea
to save our better company?
Or, what if he be laggard caught
retarded by sloth and dense thought
and will not lend his brawns to ply
the oars with us, or start to cry?!
What if all assay force each way
and the ship still in one place stay!
Some are neglectful for some spite
Some want exempt, some like to fight
Some will not move but for money
even far out like this, at sea!
What government shall best and true
bridle yet still enheart the crew?
And what moral correction do
so man and purpose continue?"

"A voyage needs a sincere crew
keeping in touch the whole way through
It needs great brawns the oars to shove
but most of all, fellowship's love.
Each day inculk the purpose, Man,
so each day all may clearer can.
Be not compelled to ill for ill
that is a miming, waxen will.
However ill, ill-contrivers
still deserve to be survivors.
For shore waits all, the entire throng
the weak, frail, sufferable and strong.
Even if one seems hard as steel
believe me, every man shall feel.
In tending and in tidy time
he will again formally chime.
When he feels fellowship, and love
his mind shall flutter like a dove.
Be fruitful for giving mercy
as it needs in each man's journey.
Deny none's future dear that much
in keeping pace, keeping in touch
Lend even when men will not lend
and never not be a man's friend.
if you see man deny succour
if you see man discard honour
If you see man contrive offence
never put down shield for weapons."

[This message has been edited by Essorant (08-31-2003 02:45 PM).]

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

1 posted 2003-09-02 07:14 PM

You're on a sea-metaphor kick, i see.

"Or, what if he be laggard caught
retarded by sloth and dense thought"

the second line of these lines feels like it needs another syllable.

"Some will not move but for money
even far out like this, at sea!"

the rhyme here doesn't work very well, because you've been using perfect rhyme, and here you're trying to rhyme an unaccented syllable with an accented one. Also, the first line of these two seems quite awkward. I would rewrite it as:

Some will only move for money

"And what moral correction do
so man and purpose continue?"

here again, the accents mess up the rhymes. i don't have time to do the second stanza, i'll get around to it later.

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