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Critical Analysis #2
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xkiss_me_hardx
Junior Member
since 2003-07-08
Posts 13


0 posted 2003-08-31 12:16 PM


tell me what this means to you and if you think it is good, I have my own Ideas about what it is about but I want to know what you think (FYI... not about a plane crash :-D)

A Plane Crash at midnight

the havoc is found so deep inside,
and the regret is ineffable,
(this is dissent and to sharpen... it's meaning...)
figured the feelings slashed,
i thought it as paradigum,
(and o god what would that mean)
pariah of romantic sight,
anxious just for a lasting collision
(give me a good enough reason)

Is this sorry enough for you,
(turn my blind eye blue)
is this sorry enough for you,
(are you hoping for something more visceral)
is this sorry enough for you,
(theres a word for people like me)
is this sorry enough for you,
(dissolution to my regret and guilt...)

please god emptiness over this...  
(please... please...)

and the chaos reeks of frivuality,
crossing a path of indignity,
(what we have left after this plane crash)
hoping it might sleep for just one night,
keep me from crying myself awake,
screaming into sheets and pillows,
(screaming... sheets... pillows...)
tearing fabric of deserving,
is this what caring is supposed to do.
(I'd defy the heavens for you)

Is this sorry enough for you,
(turn my blind eye blue)
is this sorry enough for you,
(are you hoping for something more visceral)
is this sorry enough for you,
(theres a word for people like me)
is this sorry enough for you,
(dissolution to my regret and guilt...)

once ripped of virginity where are we supposed to go
(living with a simplicity too dark for revelation)
and this is what she called sweetheart
(kissing so deep it might hurt to let go)
making out in the moon's soft glow
(make out under the stars...)
too deep for repair
(a white light so pure it might burn a virgin's eyes)

© Copyright 2003 xkiss_me_hardx - All Rights Reserved
eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada
1 posted 2003-09-01 05:15 PM


I think its about a relationship break-up.
Some comments:

1) (this is dissent and to sharpen... it's meaning...)

the ellipses don't really seem to fit, or add anything to this line. Experiment with the wording or the line breaks perhaps. Sometimes people use ellipses as kind of a crutch.

2) paradigum . . . I think you meant paradigm, which is pronounced pair-ah-DIME.

3)(theres a word for people like me)
First off, you need an apostrophe in "theres". Second, this line made me really curious, but you never reveal or even hint at what this "word" is. I wanna know!!

4)(please... please...)
again with the ellipses.

5) frivuality . . . either I don't know this word, or you meant frivalty.

6)(screaming... sheets... pillows...)
I'd remove this line.

7) (I'd defy the heavens for you)
I like this line, powerful emotion and conviction is portrayed.

8) I don't like the repetition here of the second stanza. Songs have choruses, but poems usually don't repeat stanzas except for beginning and end, but that's beside the point. In THIS poem, i don't feel that it's advancing anything.

9)(a white light so pure it might burn a virgin's eyes)
I like this line, except for two things. The "might" seems a bit passive for the ending line, perhaps "will" instead? And also, why would pure light burn a virgin's eyes? Wouldn't 'pure' light burn a harlot's eyes instead?

There are lots of strong points in this poem, sorry that i don't have time to point them out, i wanted to critique the parts that could use changing to help you more instead. I'd love to see any revisions that you make.


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