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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Parched |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Parched My cells scream For moisture Osmosis has failed them My tongue is like a barren wasteland A graveyard for my saliva Dry as cursed soil I close my eyes For there are no precious liquid tears To keep my eyeballs from cracking Disintegrating into dust Wafting from their sockets My skin has been flayed Dead flakes spew like snow My blood becomes encrusted Too viscose to seep out And bathe my dying tissue The arid desert cannot compare To my thirst For even in the desert It rains every hundred years |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
For the most part, I think this is really good. There are some points were I would omit words, just because they seem like extra clutter, or unnecessary- I'll go through and try to point them out. 'My cells scream For moisture Osmosis has failed them' I really like this opening stanza... it's concise, to the point, and your wording has that impact and hook necessary to make me think "okay, I want to read the rest of this poem." My biggest suggestion here (and in other parts) would be to add some punctuation... maybe a dash or semicolon after 'moisture'? Your line breaks do a pretty good job of pacing me as a reader, but I think punctuation would enforrce that. 'My tongue is like a barren wasteland A graveyard for my saliva Dry as cursed soil' Here, I would omit a couple things (and add some punctuation), so it would read as such: 'My tongue is a barren wasteland- A graveyard for saliva, Dry as cursed soil' I personally don't especially care for the imagery here as much- you use saliza, which to me, doesn't necessarily work as a poetic word- but I see why it's there, to keep with the scientific theme you started with osmosis. In light of that scientific theme, however, cursed soil doesn't make much sense. It seems more sensible that you'd say 'Sahara soil' or make some reference to the weather or climactic conditions that dried it out so much. 'I close my eyes For there are no precious liquid tears To keep my eyeballs from cracking Disintegrating into dust Wafting from their sockets' Once again, a couple omissions and punctuation to aid flow: 'I close my eyes For there are no precious tears To keep my eyeballs from cracking- Disintegrating into dust, Wafting from their sockets' Biggest thing here is the 'liquid' tears thing... that's self-evident. I'm not of an alien race that cries solid tears... I think it's safe to leave that out.  'My skin has been flayed Dead flakes spew like snow My blood becomes encrusted Too viscose to seep out And bathe my dying tissue' Mostly, I like this... my only nits are: 1. What has the skin been flayed by? Whipping winds, the gritty sand...? 2. Not sure the word 'spew' works here, but that's just probably a personal preference thing... it sounds like more of a wet word. 3. Once again, add some punctuation... 'The arid desert cannot compare To my thirst For even in the desert It rains every hundred years' I think this is a good ending, summarizes the poem and adds a really good sense of scope. After reading this, I am left with one big question... what is it you're thirsting for? I can only assume it's not a literal thirst for water... in a poem like this, I think it might be overkill to staight out tell us ''The arid desert cannot compare To my thirst (for love) For even in the desert It rains every hundred years' But maybe you could hint at it here and there in your imagery, give us a faint suggestion to think over? Neat poem, hope I've helped. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
thanks, i truly like your suggestions! |
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