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Critical Analysis #2
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Leep of Faith
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Leep of Faith |
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DbarrM Junior Member
since 2003-08-26
Posts 14 |
I think about you every day You’re on my mind in every way I dream of what we could become I cherish the groundwork that we have done I know your scared and I am too But I am ready to be there for you The thought of you just fills my heart And I am ready to make a new start Times are busy and things come up Your plate is full, mine an empty cup Our fears make meeting a hard thing to do But I just want to be with you I want to experience your whole life The up’s the down’s the happiness and strife I don’t just want to be with you I want the family that comes with you Good things come to those who wait I’m here for you no matter how late Are you the person that’s right for me Am I waiting in vain for something unseen That date we had, it seemed so right Do you feel the same, that is my fright Your like a drug and I need more What have you done to this poor boy Well this is how I feel about you I’m putting my heart right under you shoe Do you step down or do you step back Are we coming together or forming a crack I’m scared to death of losing you I feel so good with I talk to you I feel my life is not a waste You put a bright smile on my face |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
Hello, I hope you don't mind if I offer critique on your honest poem. Since you posted it here I trust you won't. I would first of all challenge you to shorten it (I'm certain the misspelled title just slipped past you). Try to rewrite it cutting out a stanza each time AND (this is the challenge) still say all you mean. Maybe 5 stanzas. Close rhymes are cool, become/done me/unseen waste/face. Repeating a word in the rhyme scheme as in the 4th and 8th stanza (you in both) however, is not. I like the timeless message of the thrilling potential of new love. Some of your lines within each quatrain need better balance as far as syllable count goes.......... ....let me say now, there is according to many, no right or wrong way to write poetry. It all depends on what you want from it. BUT, to get into it by reading those whose published works have stood the test of time and whose works are a joy to read is a great way to start. And there's nothing wrong with imitating the style of authors you encounter. That said I would caution against cliche (plate is full, good things come to those...) Take these worn out phrases and find a new way to say them...your way. Anyway that's my .02, get rid of the 7th stanza (something about crack annoys). Your theme is great and universal. Fear of love. RSWells |
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