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Critical Analysis #2
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What were you worth?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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What were you worth? |
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RibenaboyUK New Member
since 2003-08-06
Posts 4 |
Corrosion in my soul like a fireball frozen mid explosion threatening to take control or eat me whole. Does it see the single bead of my nervous nervous system glide southward to my lip. Slip quietly into something more comfortable but don't trip the sleeping flames. Don't trip the sleeping flames. No-one Move! Especially you sweet angel of mine for the rest of our short time stay still. You started this fire, you moved too soon across our tinder world with your flint shoes, and its you the fire wants. 'Boy!' does the fire want you. I'll stay here with my thimble of water trembling before this vast scorching fury and, on three, you run. I'll watch you go only because I know the fire is mine and does not exist, and in my thimble there is no water, only my heart. And had you stayed to face this fire with me, well, I suppose, there's no point telling you. You ran before I reached 2. |
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| © Copyright 2003 RibenaboyUK - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
i enjoyed reading this poem: the metaphors were great. the first two stanzas i thought were really excellent and full of peotic vigor; i felpt that you kind of lost steam as the poem went along. i dont mean this necessarily in a negative way: all i mean is that at first, it was very poetic and metaphorical; at the end it was easier to see exactly what you meant. i happen to prefer a more subtle approach. i loved the line: You started this fire, you moved too soon across our tinder world with your flint shoes what a creative metaphor! overall, i really enjoyed this piece; thanks for posting it. ~rose |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This was a very captivating read. Thanks for sharing. |
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RibenaboyUK New Member
since 2003-08-06
Posts 4 |
Thanks guys, its only my second poem and its the feedback from people like you that will keep me trying again and again to write good, even better, poetry. Thanks. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Just a little friendly advice: In the future, should someone say: "Your meter’s off and your rhymes are watery.” (what someone once told me), don’t let it discourage you. Just take it at face value. Take whatever suggestions work for you, ignore the rest and, by all means, keep writing. Sid |
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