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B3jamboree
Junior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 33
Michigan

0 posted 2003-07-09 09:02 PM

Do the red lights last as long in the other part of town?
Does your cat still get out
Do you have to chase him down

Do the mail men walk any faster in your new hood?
Is your shower warmer
Does the water taste as good

Is the gas station any closer to your new abode?
Are there still five stop signs
In the way of the main road

Are there still gangs of street children kicking around your block?
Do the minutes tick faster
On that blinking alarm clock

Do all of your friends call you on your new phone number?
Do you lie on the couch
And quickly fall to slumber

Do the dishes pile up in the sink and on the table
When the alarm clock rings
Do you find you are able

nocatnocradle.curvedspaces.com

kadafi09
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 143
California, United States

1 posted 2003-07-12 12:03 PM

its cool. all the questions we ask ourselves of our lives. nice job.

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

2 posted 2003-07-12 04:57 PM

Hi B3! I like this, but I wasn't sure where it was taking me. It seemed to be about an ended relationship, perhaps...someone who left and you are wondering if the grass is actually greener where they are now?

"When the alarm clock rings
Do you find you are able"
--> I felt this ended too abruptly. Able to do what? I think this has a lot of potential, but it needs something more. Interesting questions, throughout, though!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

B3jamboree
Junior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 33
Michigan

3 posted 2003-07-12 06:57 PM

You are right on about the ended relationship. I appreciate your critizism.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2003-07-17 12:32 PM

Hi,

I liked this too...the rhythm, the beat..but you need a bit more at the end, a real finish. That would clinch it.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

grassy ninja
Junior Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 41
Kentucky

5 posted 2003-07-20 11:12 AM

i have to say i like the ending as it is. at first i wasn't sure, but i don't think you can put a "traditional" conclusion on this poem without sounding either cliche, or like you're trying sum up by telling us the things you've already shown us in the rest of the poem.
a conclusion without closure follows the mood of the poem. the speaker asks questions she answers for herself, but really never gets an answer to the larger question of "why?"
the one suggestion i do have for an ending that seems more like an ending without negating any of the aforementioned elements, involves dropping the rhyme scheme or possibly the structure for the final stanza. the change would tell the reader there's something different about that stanza and perhaps make the ending less abrupt.

[This message has been edited by grassy ninja (07-20-2003 12:29 PM).]

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