»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Why Are We Lost Children
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Why Are We Lost Children |
|
|
D.Lester Young Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1219Austin, Tx |
Why are we lost children Looking for ways to explain What nature has put there Struggling we put to words What has take millions to build Gasping within a few words To piecemeal the universe Why are we lost children Fighting for an existence Within our own minds To flow words out in magic Creating fantasies That goes to sleep with us To be reborn every day struggling For paths to explore Why are we lost children With hearts of gold Feeling things so deep We crack inside in emotions In river we feel In storms we create In stillness we fantasize Putting it together Until it flies away Into the arms of others Why are we lost children That loves so much we ache With every indignity that falls on man Looking through eyes that can cry Waterfalls of thoughts In the colors that reach inner souls To storm out their emotions In chorus’s we claim Our love for this land And the people who feel for it so Why are we lost It is because we care to feel ourselves Grow inside needing the comfort of others To feel wanted in that special way That cuddles emotions Into fireplaces of love And burns so deep in the lust That we need someone next to us To famish and then conquer ever so nicely Will we be found Before it is too late In the magic of time Our words will follow us And someone will fall in love With the verse in front of them And our graves will turn over To smile in that poetic mind And our fantasies can come to rest D.Lester Young (01/11/02) Tuscaloosa, AL Copyright © D.Lester Young (White Eagle poetry) |
||
| © Copyright 2002 David Lester Young - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Too many questions and no answers. You need some punctuation for the reader in this, I feel. There are far too many cliches in this, I felt a bit lost, needing something to hold onto, to explain it. Give it some direction. Hope that doesn't sound harsh, I tend to critique when I'm in here! Kathleen--(Kay) |
||
|
mauddib Member
since 2002-01-12
Posts 119melbourne australia |
some pearls in here! in places i was warm, cozy,like warming my hands to the fire. important questions for sure but, and just a little but,the questions remained a little alloof, the answeres, just slightly out of reach. one has to assume that your reader knows nothing and for this reader that is not far from the truth. enjoyed it heeps keep on punching. |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I agree with the above. Let me go through this and elaborate on some of the abstractions that make this so hard to understand. 'Why are we lost children Looking for ways to explain What nature has put there' What has nature put there? You assume that 'nature' is a universal term... are you talking about the outdoors? Human nature? If it's the outdoors, what do you mean? trees? Plants? Soil erosion? If human nature.... anger? love? hate? war? You can see the problem here. 'Struggling we put to words What has take (taken?) millions to build' What has taken millions to build? The pyramids? The Roman empire? New York City? Details, I need details, I'm getting more and more disoriented. 'Gasping within a few words To piecemeal the universe' This I just don't get. 'Why are we lost children Fighting for an existence Within our own minds' What do you mean? Are we fighting outside forces (i.e. the Thought Police) for the right to have our own private thoughts, or are we fighting within our own minds for an existence...? And anyway, I don't see what any of that has to do with being lost... if you're fighting... you ahve a cause, a purpose... and I generally don't connect that with being lost. 'To flow words out in magic Creating fantasies That goes (go? to sleep with us' This is all too vague and cliche. What fantasies? For this to mean anything, we need specifics. I can say "I had a daydream in school today," Or, I can say "I had a daydream about having sex with Jeff Goldblum during math class today." What provokes a stronger reaction? 'To be reborn every day struggling For paths to explore' How are you reborn every day? Do you find new faith in God every day? What paths do you explore? Why? 'Why are we lost children With hearts of gold Feeling things so deep We crack inside in emotions' What feelings? What emotions? How do you crack inside? 'In river we feel In storms we create In stillness we fantasize' Once again... what do you feel? What do you create? What do you fantasize? Why do you do these things? How? 'Putting it together Until it flies away Into the arms of others' Putting what together? You haven't told me anything yet. It flies? Is it a bird, a plane, Superman? Who are the others? Why does it fly into their arms? 'Why are we lost children That loves (love?) so much we ache' What do you love? 'With every indignity that falls on man' What indignities are those? 'Looking through eyes that can cry Waterfalls of thoughts' Most eyes can cry. Crying waterfalls of thoughs has potential as an image, but I think you should play with it more. 'In the colors that reach inner souls' What colors? Oh, and what exactly is an inner soul? Are you talking from a religious viewpoint, a spiritual one, or just from the standpoint of humanity? Are you a Christian, a Jew, A buddhist, a Wiccan... all these people have different perceptions of the soul... you need to be more direct and more precise. 'To storm out their emotions In chorus’s we claim Our love for this land And the people who feel for it so' What emotions? Is chorus supposed to be plural or possessive? Why do we love this land? In fact, what land is it 'we' love? What people, and how do they feel? Phew... I think I'll stop here. I hope you can see my point... I'm not trying to tear you down, but I find very little to actually be poetic in this peice. What you've done is throw a lot of very broad, vague phrases together in a fashion that doesn't seem to me to relate to each other very much. You've got to dig deeper into what you want to say, because with something this abstract, all your telling us is what we perceive from these phrases... and for me, unfortunately, that's not very much. Hope I've helped. "I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
