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Critical Analysis #2
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morphene and ritalin
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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morphene and ritalin |
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fadinggaze New Member
since 2003-06-01
Posts 3 |
she looks older. than she did, when i left her. she's loosing grip. she's on the floor, gasping for air, and her sweat is every where she's permantly high. 60 grams plus 30 more, she's crying, she's letting go. morphene and ritalan, she poisons her soul. she was perfect, she had it all, she looks out her window, and she imagines the fall. pale skin, like ashes, full of emotional gashes. and her sweat is everywhere. 60 grams plus 30 more, she's crying she's dieing, morphene and ritalin, she poisons her soul. fadinggaze |
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| © Copyright 2003 fadinggaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Morphine is spelled wrong. Also I think Morphine would entail Milligrams not grams. (I'm an RN). I'm not sure you care about such detail, but for some it might be important Stephen. |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
I like this... But.. After awhile it gets repetative. I think you could fix that alot by taking out some of the she's and her's Maybe add some detail to whats happening and take us away from the her her her her... Permantly should be permanently Also listen to Stephanos' comments the emotional gashes, to me, sounds much too much like a rhyme maker. Its too cheap of a way to say she hurts emotionally. Thats it from me... Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - (blink, breathe, stand, fight) [This message has been edited by GG (06-03-2003 01:44 PM).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear FadingGaze, I think this piece has a lot of potential, but needs some work...some tightening up here, some changes there. she looks older. than she did, when i left her. she's loosing grip. she's on the floor, gasping for air, and her sweat is every where she's permantly high. No period after the first line, comma after third, losing, not "loosing"...no break in everywhere...there should be something, a dash, comma, etc. after everywhere...the line break is good. 60 grams plus 30 more, she's crying, she's letting go. morphene and ritalan, she poisons her soul. she was perfect, she had it all, she looks out her window, and she imagines the fall. 60 milligrams plus 30 more would be more correct; the spelling is morphine, ritalin. This is a combination of free verse and rhyme that I feel would be better served if you left out the rhyming. You would be able to add more emotional expression. pale skin, like ashes, full of emotional gashes. and her sweat is everywhere. 60 grams plus 30 more, she's crying she's dieing, morphene and ritalin, she poisons her soul. Again, I'm not too fond of the rhyme in the second and third lines...sounds forced. Like the line breaks again. I think that in the last stanza, you should change the second line (dying - correct sp.) to make it a bit different from the initial one. As I said, I feel this has a lot of potential. Hope I've been of some help. Of course, this is only my humble opinion...you are always the poet in the end. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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