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Critical Analysis #2
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fadinggaze
New Member
since 2003-06-01
Posts 3


0 posted 2003-06-01 12:13 PM


fall away (gregs song)

tears fall from his eyes
it's the millionth time he's cried
tonight
stars don't mean a thing
they don't affect him
like they affect me

and gregs loosing this fight
gregs heart is shattered
not that he could follow it anyway

i watch greg fall away
flat lined in this world
i wish i knew what to say
gregs head hangs low
with no sholder to cry on
greg just falls

everyday is the same
just a blood incrusted rut
he'd go insane
just for the rush
walking in the rain
drenched to the bone
trying to find the miracle cure
to his pain

i watch greg fall away
flat lined in this world
i wish i knew what to say
greg's soul is a soul
nobody tried to save
so greg just falls
         jess

[This message has been edited by fadinggaze (06-01-2003 03:47 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 fadinggaze - All Rights Reserved
GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
1 posted 2003-06-02 01:07 PM


Welcome to the Blue Pages. Its good to have you here.
I'm not a big critique person.. (I can't write well myself!) But I like this poeam apart from just a few things that bug me...

Now first of all, I like punctuation.. you obviously don't, which is fine.. thats just a different style. BUT if you do choose to use any type of punctuation then you need to keep using it throughout the poem.
Take this for example:

"tears fall from his eyes
it's the millionth time he's cried
tonight
stars don't mean a thing
they don't affect him
like they affect me

and gregs loosing this fight
gregs heart is shattered
not that he could follow it anyway"

Notice your apostraphes? you used them some places, and not others. If you're gonna use them, use them.. if you arn't, then don't.
Oh and one other thing, from me anyway, loosing and losing are two seperate things. I think you mean losing.

Again, welcome! Some of the other poets can do a much more thorough critique.

Always, Alyssa

- And so it was that time stood still -
     (blink, breathe, stand, fight)

Seth
Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74
Arizona
2 posted 2003-06-02 02:04 PM


Hi, welcome to pip. This place is great and
there are plenty of people to give you great
advise. I am not one of them. I will however
give you what I know, and tell you what I
like and don't like.  I have no degree in english and am a novice poet. Take any of my
advise with that in mind.
Your first line about the tears, needs to go. It reeks of cliche' and while the second line reeks of country music it gets the point across with much more style than does the former without being redundant.

I do like the idea of the poem/song, while being popish (is that a word?) it has some nice flow to it and has a couple good one liners that I like, but not limited to, Gregs soul being a soul that nobody tried to save. This line in particular got my attention as one can draw several conclusions from it. Just a few thoughts.

Hopefully Severn or one of the other good writers with strong backgrounds will be able to give you some solid advise.

~Regards,
Seth

fadinggaze
New Member
since 2003-06-01
Posts 3

3 posted 2003-06-02 03:24 PM


thanks for your advice you guys i apreciate it--jess
Ford
Junior Member
since 2003-05-11
Posts 12
Arkansaw
4 posted 2003-06-03 01:49 AM


Alrighty, well, I'm new here, and I don't know too much, but I'll try to help with what I do know.

tears fall from his eyes
it's the millionth time he's cried
tonight
stars don't mean a thing
they don't affect him
like they affect me

I don't really understand why you put the line in there about the stars. Kind of a random little thought you put in there. How do they not affect him? How do they affect you? You sorta leave us hanging there, and that's not really a good spot to leave us hanging. I think if you're gonna mention the star thing, you need to elaborate a little bit more, if not, I think you might just want to forget it. More confusing than anything I think.


and gregs loosing this fight
gregs heart is shattered
not that he could follow it anyway

The last line here is super. I really like it. And just a suggestion, you say "greg" way too much. We all know this poem is about Greg, you don't need to let his name be the subject of every thought you have. We get the idea. Instead, try this

"And he's losing this fight-
Heart shattered-
Not that he could follow it anyway"

Give that a go, and tell me whatcha think.

i watch greg fall away
flat lined in this world
i wish i knew what to say
gregs head hangs low
with no sholder to cry on
greg just falls

Once again, I think you use greg's name too much. To me, I think it just gets really cumbersome to keep on saying Greg. Greg really isn't a name that just rolls off the tongue. So, if it were me, I would try throwing in a few pronouns, rephrasing some stuff, you know, basic cleanup. Not a bad stanza though.

The rest of the poem is pretty good, not too much wrong with it. Punctuation would help this exponentially, but that's just nicpicking.

Well done.

Ford


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