Critical Analysis #2 |
(a re write) Candle wax liquor |
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
THis is a poem I posted in open months ago when I was still a regular here and before college became hectic, anyway I had a chance to play around with it yesterday. I have not written a poem in months and was hoping to get some advice on this. Be as critical as you need to be. Thanks in advance. =============================== Candle wax liquor (REWRITTEN VERSION) You got me up all night. Deep set to tranquil blues stirring to the violent sway of our kiss, linger lips part your veil (of satin and abrasion ) aflame in violet starred moonlight. From the bottle's mouth we drink each other up, teetering tears of candle wax and Vaseline. You got here tonight. Halcyon heartbeats set flight to the murmurs of a silent whisper; its promise binding recluse misery, makes us soar (a flame a tempest storm) in the effervescence of you. ----------------------------- Candle wax liquor (ORGINAL) You got me up all night deep set, some tranquil blues aflame on your veil You part beneath violet starlight, a violent sway of our kiss. Lips linger from my face to the bottles edge teetering its tears; speed in liquor. Candle wax on Vaseline, melting in the effervescence of you. In our mouths we drink it up, golden to electric light, burning a bridge, in the archways and aisles of candle wax, We connect. Recluse misery shared by two gives incomparable joy melting in the effervescence of you. Echoing through our hallways A poem unravels, the murmurs of summer are damp upon its vowels. We catch them in our mouths, These halcyon heartbeats rising from your breast, warm upon the morning air, my skin soars on a silent whisper melting in the effervescence of you. [This message has been edited by brian madden (03-24-2002 07:19 AM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Hey Bri-babes...good to see you here...been waay too long.. My most honest reaction to the rewrite is...I think you took too much out of it...I like the longer, first version better...I liked the imagery and metaphors in that...the ethereal feeling of the poem with the abstract edge to it...and I really liked this part: "A poem unravels, the murmurs of summer are damp upon its vowels. We catch them in our mouths, These halcyon heartbeats rising from your breast, warm upon the morning air, my skin soars on a silent whisper melting in the effervescence of you." the poetic references are cool... I think you could take the best of both poems, but leave a few more of those cool phrases and images in, but I dont think you needed the repetative line..it made a perfect closing last line as you did in the rewrite(leave in "melting") it ties in perfect with the title and metaphor theme. I dont get this line's intend: "You got here tonight." it didnt work for me...like the opening line did. Overall I think the first version flowed better...just needed some of it tweeked out... the second verse especially. In the rewrite...I liked the line added: "(of satin and abrasion)". very cool I know less is more..but you know me ... more is more. LOL Thats my humble mothy thoughts. Keep that muse in tune...when you get out for this summer...Im gonna need my moody muse kick started later-Imissyou-gator eve *L* Of all the things in me I could never be, |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like the original better. As was already said, the rewrite cut too much out... but on the other hand, to me, seemed almost too verbose. The original is longer, but everything has impact, is pertinent, and beautiful... I really like it. One thing, I would get rid of the line 'of candle wax,' in the second stanza of the orginal, it's reptitive and unnecessary. Other than that, I'm definitely giving my vote to the orignal. Hope I've helped. "Love is a piano |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Jan, as always thanks for your honesty. I have been re reading my old poems and have the feeling that they could be tighter, sharper I feel some of the cool images were there without any great relevance to the poem, as you said combining the best of both poems is probably the best solution. Hush, thanks your comments made me smile. I find it very hard to write about beautiful things, I am not really comfortable writing about them feeling that every image is a cliche. Anything with a dark undertone and I have little problem, so your comments really mean a lot. Thanks. |
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