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Critical Analysis #2
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Hidden crush
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Hidden crush |
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kauai Junior Member
since 2003-05-18
Posts 12 |
In with breeze Out with the tide, My secret is out where can I hide. I sense a strong pain, I feel like im driving down a one way lane. I sent the dove out it did not return, because of this feeling I cringe and I yearn. What else can do I'm so lost right now, I've tried what I know and I've lost her somehow. Did I ever really have her was she ever really here, my stomach aches because of this fear. It's time to move on now she'll never know, the love she could have had would have been pure as first snow. |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
ok, well here goes "In with breeze Out with the tide, My secret is out where can I hide." how about a question mark here? and why not put a "the" before breeze as you did with tide. If you want it to have a rhythmn, might as well maintain it  "I sense a strong pain," I don't like this lines, describe the pain instead of vaguely telling it... "I feel like im driving down a one way lane." A good imagery, re-phrase it maybe, make it stand out, maybe with spacing? to make it more powerful "I sent the dove out it did not return, because of this feeling I cringe and I yearn." Ok, although you are still describing... "What else can do I'm so lost right now, I've tried what I know and I've lost her somehow." Use imagery maybe instead of telling us this. And a question mark again? Otherwise its ok... "Did I ever really have her was she ever really here," Again, imagery, see her maybe as a ghost, or the smoke of a candle you cannot grasp, it will make things more interesting "my stomach aches because of this fear. It's time to move on now she'll never know, the love she could have had would have been pure as first snow." Its a bit too cliche that last bit... You have some nice material, now you can work at it! good luck! And welcome to pip!  "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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kauai Junior Member
since 2003-05-18
Posts 12 |
In with the breeze Out with the tide, My secret is out where can I hide? What is this strong pain? I feel like I'm driving down a one way lane. Sent the dove out it did not return, is this the feeling that makes me cringe and yearn? What else can do? I'm so lost right now, I've tried what I know and I've lost her somehow. Like the smoke of a candle She is not be held, when the candle goes out the heat can't be felt. It's time to move on now she'll never know, the love she could have had would have been pure as first snow. DO YOU LIKE IT BETTER LIKE THIS? |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
yup, its better "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I'd take out the rhyme, it just seems so forced. Especially the line at the end, it comes out of nowhere and seems like you were really struggling to rhyme. Well, I don't really like the content all that much either... I think you could make it a bit more original, if you had more to say. Maybe that's just me though... |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I would only use internal rhyming, and perhaps try to put in some more real emotion. I wouldn't use the last line at all...it is pretty much a cliche. This is a good effort, however, and I think it can be worked into something worthwhile. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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