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Critical Analysis #2
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Place of Despair
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Place of Despair |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859
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I have never written in this style before. My writing is usually rhyme, or free verse but structured and forms of poetry, sonnet etc. I wanted to try this and didn't know who to ask for honest advice, then I remembered this room. So what I want to know is, terrible work, drop it and don't even try, or its a start, work on it. I am in a writing class, but I just started, so any help would be welcome. Trash it if you must. floria Place of Despair In the lonliness of my despair Tears fall silently not making a sound staining my cheeks I am alone I want to be In my deep dark place That only I know how to get to I lock the door So that no one may enter I wallow in self pity I think of all the sad things in my life I become drained. Terrified Desperate Until I see a light shining in the distance Just a sliver but it's there and I want to go to that light I have had enough sorrow And so I go towards the light it is not an effort For I have been there before. So I go I leave behind all my tears all my sorrows all my woes all my fears Until next time. floria |
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| © Copyright 2002 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not terrible, definitely a start. I think you've matched the theme with the way the poem is structured -- I found myself carried along as I read down the page. I just wish you'd give me more than tears and light. I think you can surprise me more. Thanks, Brad |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Thanks Brad, I will certainly work on this and I see now that you would like to see more substance to it..thanks so much for your kind reply. floria Floria |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A little surprised no one else has commented yet. Like I said, I think this style works. I've never tried something like this -- hmmm, maybe I should.  |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Haha and I am into rhyme and structured poetry so maybe I should not even try this LOL just thought I'd give it a try, but I dont think it is for me. thanks brad. I am not looking for a lot of responses, I think I will give it up..LOL,,,I do better with rhyme. thanks so much. floria Floria |
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Masked Intruder
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-05-23
Posts 1231Near golden sunsets |
Style wise, I think you've done a great job. The freeverse and short line structure are appealing in themselves and help to deliver your theme. There are a few tripperuppers: The first stanza is excellent and flowed nicely. But in the second, I don't see the same smooth development I caught in the first. It seems that your phrases are choppy. Perhaps, because my sense of your punctuation threw me off and the feeling of a long run-on took over, I don't have the same feel for the second stanza. Try taking out some of your conjunctions and starting a new thought (sentence). The repetition at the end was good. Had a concluding quality that I like to see in free verse. |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Masked Intruder I do thank you. I rarely write free verse, but when I do it is mostly of nature and that comes easy to me. But this style and subject I have never tried and I wanted to give it a try. So now I have a handfull of information and I can take this poem and see what I can do with it. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. It is truly appreciated. floriaFloria |
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Englishpoet Member
since 2001-12-18
Posts 54Birmingham, England |
Hi Floria This may be a start to a new way, but for me it's not like your poem that flows in poetry like "Crystal Teardrops" that I have on my special file of poets. Best wishes Asif The heights by great men reached and kept |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Hi Asif , how are you? No actually this was an experiment and it would be forced if I tried to write like this. There are so many wonderful poets out there who write like this and I am not one of them. I am still writing many rhyming poems and structured like sonnets, I have fallen in love with the sonnet, So I do think I will stick to what comes easy to me. Take care, nice to hear from you. Floria Floria |
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