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Critical Analysis #2

My sense of dread exposed

X Q poet
Junior Member

since 2003-03-25

Posts 47

0 posted 2003-04-08 11:35 AM

From the depth of reason, to folly's peak
In common treason, I mingle... Speak
Expose my thoughts on common ground
And tying knots without a sound
A work of art: my timely death
I didn't thwart, my sword unsheath
To slay the demon, guard my dreams
To stay a freeman, stifle screams
My mark of pride, upon the ground
My darkest side and deepest sound
To try to take, the ground I've lost
My life's at stake: I count the cost
And so I geve my life to you...
And you forgive the wrongs I do...

http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- Now with forums! :)

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-04-08 04:35 PM

Andreas, I like this. But it culd be made better, IMHO. The simplest correction is the next to last line where I think geve should be give. More seriously though, you can't get by with rhyming death and unsheath. I like the unsheath line so would suggest some metaphor for death that actually rhymes.

Finally, you have nice iambic quatrameter except for the first two lines. With just a little bit of effort, you should be able to make those lines conform too. For a quick example, you might try:

From the depth of wits, to folly's peak
In common treachery, I Speak

That does lose the internal rhyme of reason/treason but I don't see that as important as fixing the meter. Actually, I'm not sure why treason is there anyway. Perhaps some other wording might be better.

Thanks for sharing,
Pete

LUV_R_GIRL2379
Junior Member

since 2003-04-09

Posts 42

2 posted 2003-04-13 12:41 PM

I tend to agree that unsheath and death..dont ryme..maybe fix this line..other than that its an excellent write!

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