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My sense of dread exposed
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My sense of dread exposed |
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X Q poet Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 47 |
From the depth of reason, to folly's peak In common treason, I mingle... Speak Expose my thoughts on common ground And tying knots without a sound A work of art: my timely death I didn't thwart, my sword unsheath To slay the demon, guard my dreams To stay a freeman, stifle screams My mark of pride, upon the ground My darkest side and deepest sound To try to take, the ground I've lost My life's at stake: I count the cost And so I geve my life to you... And you forgive the wrongs I do... http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- Now with forums! :) |
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| © Copyright 2003 Andreas Chernus - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Andreas, I like this. But it culd be made better, IMHO. The simplest correction is the next to last line where I think geve should be give. More seriously though, you can't get by with rhyming death and unsheath. I like the unsheath line so would suggest some metaphor for death that actually rhymes. Finally, you have nice iambic quatrameter except for the first two lines. With just a little bit of effort, you should be able to make those lines conform too. For a quick example, you might try: From the depth of wits, to folly's peak In common treachery, I Speak That does lose the internal rhyme of reason/treason but I don't see that as important as fixing the meter. Actually, I'm not sure why treason is there anyway. Perhaps some other wording might be better. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
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LUV_R_GIRL2379 Junior Member
since 2003-04-09
Posts 42 |
I tend to agree that unsheath and death..dont ryme..maybe fix this line..other than that its an excellent write! |
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