Abyss of Self Pity - pipTalk Forums

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Ellen
Junior Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 35

0 posted 2003-03-02 11:52 PM

Abyss of Self Pity

My heart is laid to rest,
reality has lost it's touch.
I never want to feel,
this lost, this empty again.

Please God, take it away.
Why make me go through this?
Can't you see how much I'm hurting?
I need some help to lift me up.

My lifeless body is begging you,
to help restore it's strength,
it's vitality,
it's passion for life.

God, please give me a helping hand.
Show me a sign that someone cares.
If I walk on sand, will there be,
another set of footprints?

I can't do it by myself.
Please, will you
take me by the hand
and pull me out.

God, they say that you will help
those who help themselves.
But I have no self left in me.
I'm only an empty soul
of nothingness.

A lifeless spirit, that was once,
a vibrant, loving wife, is now
a shadow of her being,
tossed into an abyss of self pity.

Ellen

Poetic_angel
Junior Member

since 2003-03-02

Posts 10

1 posted 2003-03-04 08:02 PM

This is by far the most incredible poem I have heard.It was a good meaning and it is very powerful!Great Job!!!

"I want friends over!"-Kelly from the movie "YOU ARE UNFAIR!"

Barbara Trautman
Member

since 2002-10-23

Posts 90

2 posted 2003-03-05 07:36 PM

So heart rending! I hope it was cathartic. I wish you well and keep on writing. Barb

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2003-03-06 03:17 AM

All telling, no showing.

Bad, very bad Ellen.

Think of a poem as a picture, and rather than TELLING the reader what it looks like - you let them see it for themselves.

I suggest you revise this immediately and think small - use metaphors, similes, imagery.

Also - lose the title.

K

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

4 posted 2003-03-09 04:43 PM

hate and love are prehaps the two most covered subjects in poetry, as such they lend themselves to cliches. THe challenge to to find a unique spin on the subject, unfortunately your poem lacks just that.
I don't mean to be cruel, just truthful.
You can use the bones of what you have written, just twist it around. Write in a way that paints the picture instead of telling us.

Also remember that a poem that merely wallows can be off putting or sound whining to the reader. Give some insight to the reason behind these feelings and remember the best poems have layers.

Thought I'd include an example of a very downbeat lyric from Leonard Cohen, notice how he writes about the loss of hope without directly referring to it.
http://www.chrysoberyl.net/Lyric/Song/Leonard+Cohen/556.htm

When I am on a pedestal, you did not raise me there Your laws do not compel me to kneel grotesque and bare. Leonard Cohen

[This message has been edited by brian madden (03-09-2003 04:45 PM).]

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