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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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proposed title : A Second Long Journey |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
Note: this poem was posted in dark a couple months back. it is presently also in reflections. because of some comments regarding the revisions I have already made I am seeking constructive criticism on the whole poem in this forum. Thank you. --------------------------------------------------- Presented here are two versions of the same poem. The earlier one is first and the latter second. The portion in italics is a juxtaposition of two quotes from book 1 of milton's paradise lost - parts of Lucifer's famous speech. In the second version the reader will notice words in bold. They are changes from the first version. --------------------------------------------------- So, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind, A spider trapped inhead devouring brain; Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind, Drill to temple with pi inside to drain. Yellow belly soft unstudded underneath- A dragon on his hoard watchfully asleep, Wiley with only his proof buried beneath Reams of printing paper and ink deep. Future focus forever pushing people past Probable point of tolerance towards me, Memory plagues as time’s blow falls fast Upon the tormented cowardice manly. Rejection reveals character the old often Say, so many times upon the cliff words Never dare to test th’eye’s limit to soften The bludgeoning beaks of prim birds. Hair singed off skin but otherwise unhurt In body where wounds would soon heal Avoiding the nightmare mouthful of dirt; Cards played on Sunday, Satan to deal. I fear less worthy than the Good Doctor I would prove all my detractors correct; Discontent final for my supposed creator Who to purgatory will send this subject. Sartre’s silly conjecture of other people Inversed to punish this destiny’s dupe; Below the altar and above the steeple of Faith fall the footsteps of soulless troops. High upon hill stands the shepherd white As the symphony pastoral behind plays, Skillful strings beside tender brass bright Distractingly strummed for better days. Resolve made to walk the fiery coals, Starboard bow a plank with flesh eaters Below the neck, will soft as sandy shoals Hesitation without push to self defeaters. But, The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make a Heavn'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. To reign is worth ambition though in Hell; Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n. And yet again fear of fire conquers will, Though mind knows flames false show, Unreasoning heart senses naught but ill, Forward path remains untrodden below. Re-coil, re-treat, with-draw, far within Myself; Only to badger and beat my own Brow, seeking to stab my heart stricken, Murdering fear, leaving strength alone. Yet Heav’n o’er all does reign supreme, Casting out and letting in too arbitrarily; Of my mind springs forth Rage extreme, To challenge judgments fundamentally. Here my pride precedes and predestines All actions with cause lacking humility, My descent to darkness and flame begins As I embrace windless fall with alacrity. Vacuuming gates polar to pearly white, Passing each of the nine in turn terrible, Rings of fire clichéd and needles bite, Finally Beelzebub’s heads horrible. An ancient friend Mephistopheles greets Me; His formerly sweet tongue a lash, Form stripped, essence bared he beats My hideous birth impaled on black ash. Black phoenix from sulfuric fumes born, Wagnerian refrain releases the punishëd, The winged beast rises to Hellish horn; Across the great void daemon returnëd. Drill to temple with pi inside to drain, Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind; A spider trapped inhead devouring brain, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind. --------------------------------------------------- So, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind, A spider trapped inhead devouring brain; Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind, Drill to temple with pi inside to drain. Yellow belly soft unstudded underneath- A dragon on his hoard watchfully asleep, Wiley with only his proof buried beneath Reams of printing paper and ink deep. Future focus forever pushing people past Probable point of tolerance towards me, Memory plagues as time’s blow falls fast Upon the tormented cowardice manly. Rejection reveals character the old often Say, so many times upon the cliff words Never dare to test th’eye’s limit to soften The bludgeoning beaks of prim birds. Hair singed off skin but otherwise unhurt In body where wounds would soon heal Avoiding the nightmare mouthful of dirt; Cards played on Sunday, Satan to deal. I fear less worthy than the Good Doctor I would prove all my detractors correct; Discontent final for my supposed creator He to purgatory will send this insurrect. Sartre’s silly conjecture of other people Inversed to punish this destiny’s dupe; Below the altar and above the steeple of Faith fall the footsteps of soulless troops. High upon hill stands the shepherd white As the symphony pastoral behind plays, Skillful strings beside tender brass bright Distractingly strummed for better days. Resolve made to walk the fiery coals, Starboard bow a plank with flesh eaters Below the neck, will soft as sandy shoals Hesitation without push to self defeaters. But, The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make a Heavn'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. To reign is worth ambition though in Hell; Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n. And yet again fear of fire conquers will, Though mind knows flames false show, Unreasoning heart senses naught but ill, Forward path remains untrodden below. Re-coil, re-treat, with-draw, far within Myself; Only to badger and beat my own Brow, seeking to stab my heart stricken, Murdering fear, leaving strength alone. Yet Heav’n o’er all does reign supreme, Casting out and letting in too unwarily; Of my mind springs forth Rage extreme, To challenge judgments fundamentally. Here my pride precedes and predestines All actions with cause lacking humility, My descent to darkness and flame begins As I embrace windless fall with alacrity. Vacuuming gates polar to pearly white, Passing each of the nine in turn terrible, Rings of fire clichéd and needles bite, Finally Beelzebub’s heads horrible. An ancient friend Mephistopheles greets With his formerly sweet tongue a lash, Form stripped, essence bared he beats My hideous birth impaled on black ash. Black phoenix from sulfuric fumes born, Wagnerian refrain releases the punished, The winged beast rises to Hellish horn; Across the great void daemon returned. Drill to temple with pi inside to drain, Concussive trauma, blows blunt in kind; A spider trapped inhead devouring brain, Loneliness perpetually eats at the mind. |
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