On the Laurel's Fallen Leaves

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Streen
Member

since 2001-11-28

Posts 169

0 posted 2002-03-02 06:03 PM

On the Laurel's Fallen Leaves

      The other day two
laurel seeds by wind were shaken
   off their noosting nook,
             by my way.
          Settled down into the
             soil and together twisting
               they took root under
                  the porous dirt.
   And it was not long after this, that two
      seedlings gently took sprout,
        tho' honestly, I could not
          tell them apart; they
            were of same specie and
                  of same look;
       their flowers that soon blossomed
          of same aroma, same intricate
                patterns and designs.
                    Twisting stems,
          together the corollas raising to the
               cumuli sprinkled sky.
      I watched this nature's act,
         as I lay on matted grass,
             my hair pressed against
                   the rough bark of
                       a tall laurel
            on an airy heap of leaves;
      my roots growing forth
             twisting with yours,
        as our fingers lay interlocked
               on the laurel's fallen leaves.

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2002-03-04 11:09 AM

I liked:
"cumuli sprinkled sky"
and the general idea

I think this piece might have too much extra stuff in it.  For instance,
"tho' honestly, I could not
          tell them apart; they
            were of same specie and
                  of same look;"
doesn't tell us anything new.  The reader should know that they are laurel seeds (line 2) and hence would be of the same species and who could tell two sprouts apart?  Maybe a botanist.  Perhaps the point is to emphasize the sameness of the people in the conclusion, but I think this might be better done by the inclusion of new information.  Also, some of the adjectives here are a little stale and prosy for a poem such as this.  For instance: "matted grass" "hair pressed against the rough bark"  "porous dirt" etc.  I hope my comments were helful.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

2 posted 2002-03-06 03:22 PM

i agree with the spirit of what Kirk suggested, though i would have said your words seemed too "clinical" vs. "prosey." (Who says prose can't be poetic?

)

also - while i think the general gist of the idea has potential, the presentation needs to be spun around a bit - the focus needs to shift INTO the imagery, not AT it. it almost felt like a dissertation on spring instead of an expressive analogy of 'love.'

...and presentation - while i am usually a big fan of wandering lines and indents - i don't think it fit this piece... at least not with the current tone - maybe with a bit more 'feeling' (for lack of a better expressor) the wandering might be better... but with the somewhat sterile tone, the indents and what-not clash with the idea.

as i said, i think the idea has potential, and i really like the concept of people lying in a park, twirling together like the roots of a tree. perhaps with some shifting...

Peace,

Christopher

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