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Erkennenzeit
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Erkennenzeit |
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Verbed New Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 2 |
Erkennenzeit Images in a mind expanse-- Syllables, fading into past sound. A stark celestial wind degrades-- We utter a few words then dim. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I really liked this but my problem is your poem is too short. I can understand writing a spare short poem that will leave an impact on the reader. I think the imagery in this poem is too cryptic to achieve this. You have great thoughts here that deserve to be explored at greater length. got hips like cinderella must be having a good shame talking sweet about nothing |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Interesting as a first post. I shall not critique it; I leave that to the professionals. But I find it quite interesting, based on what can learn from all forms of religion. Thank you! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
 Professionals?  We have professionals here?   Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hmm... Verbed, as a username? Interesting, in light of a fairly actionless poem... Give the first stanza here more verbs- more oomph- my suggestion: 'Images in a mind expanse-- Syllables, fading into past sound.' Instead of expanse, expand; instead of fading, fade. Speaking of expanding- images of what? So, my guess is that you're writing about a poem, or about being a poet? How about this? Images- iambic? Rhyme-scemed syllables? What kind of poem is this? Is it reminiscent of a particular poet's style? This would be a great opportunity to drop some allusions in- how about some "howl"ing images? slanted syllables? I'm thinking of Patti Smith and an article that once wrote of her (I'm paraphrasing): Not many musicians could sing "Do the Watusi!" and "Go Rimbaud! Go Rimbaud!" in the same breath... I still think there's plenty of room to expand here- Brian's right about this being too abstract. I know that I personally have a lot of trouble thinking about things in an abstract manner, and I often overlook things in poems if they're a little too up in the air- this isn't a writer's fault, because some people catch right on to that stuff. I am not one of those people. As far as your second stanza goes: 'A stark celestial wind degrades--' Now, with celestial, I'm instantly thinking stars. Instant image, very strong in my mind- dark clear sky with white stars... stark makes my think of the stars as few,far-between, and already dim... and it makes me feel cold- stark immediately makes me think of November. Now your last line: 'We utter a few words then dim.' What I get from this is that poets are stars. Not a particularly original idea, in my opinion, but your presentation works. I like the second stanza, it's easier to grasp than the first. I think if you would consider strengthening the first two lines, and possibly expanding them, this poem is really good. Hope I've helped. There are no Mr. Smiths in Washington. |
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Verbed New Member
since 2003-01-26
Posts 2 |
Abstract, cryptic perhaps. I was far more interested in the sound and texture of the words themselves. There are a number of elements behind this poem, the temporality of life, words fading from memory. I wanted to contrast the human existence in our universe to images or sounds reverberating around in our minds. Syllables, words, were especially good for this because of the temporal nature of the medium.. Although even a picture sands into illegibility, it's just not very apparent through everyday experience. Images in a mind expanse-- Syllables, fading into past sound. Introduced in the first stanza is the theme of words, images and fading. A stark celestial wind degades-- We utter a few words then dim. I see the wind as being everything colourful, interesting and solitary observed in the sky, what we imagine the earth being lost in. I think the last line expresses how painfully temporal our lives are, the words perhaps being every action and thought we produce. Dimming, like the celestial wind dims, decays. The theory of an open universe, forever expanding and eventually dark. I wrote the poem with all this in mind, which is perhaps why I focused so much on the words themselves-- perhaps more interested in how they faded. Maybe 'Images of a mind expanse' would be better?  |
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Crazy Eddie Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178 |
I don’t think it’s too short, I think the last line is too long! I read your poem before you posted the explanation which strangely enough added more weight to what was going to be my first suggestion. Why not try expand instead of expanse? You emphasised the importance of the expanding universe metaphor in your explanation and expand leads to an easy association with universe while maintaining the description of expanding images. My next suggestion was: Syllables, fade to passed sounds. Passed is a play on past that also ties in well with communication via language. The change in tense was because it’s still happening as we speak (sorry about the pun). I like the celestial wind line. The last line could be shortened: We utter words then dim. Seems more succinct and matter-of-fact and perhaps a tad more profound for that reason. What do you think? |
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