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Second Face
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Second Face |
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rOxXbabY391 Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 71 |
Second pick Second face Second choice So second place For once I want to come out on top For once I want to win Just once I'd like to be number one Especially to him I'll never be his first pick I'll never be "the one" I'll always be that one girl He liked just for fun "I don't think I can make it through one more night. 'Cause how do you answer "What's wrong?" ~ when nothing is right." |
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| © Copyright 2003 Emily Calandrelli - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Emily, You have interesting idea at work here. “Second Face” it is a great image and you need to explore this further. I think that you draw out the idea of being second too much, it becomes a bit repetitive, “Second pick Second face Second choice So second place” At the moment these lines reads a bit more like a list than as poetry. You need to flesh out your ideas a bit more. You could cut half the lines in the poem and still have the same impact. It would help if you gave the reader some indication why you will never be first choice for this guy, why it is so important for you to be his first choice. If you explore these emotions in a bit more detail, make more use of imagery and metaphor (like “second face) you will have a stronger and more emotional poem. got hips like cinderella must be having a good shame talking sweet about nothing |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Second pick Second face Second choice So second place' I actualy like this set of lines quite a bit... I'm usually not much of a fan of repetition, but it appeals to me here... the word itself, 'second' lends a bit of a staccato pace... a good bulletting effect. I think it would be neat if you started with this, and then maybe expanded each line in a seperate stanza of its own, and closing with the closing stanza you already have... you could get the elaboration Brian mentioned, while retaining your original idea... Hope I've helped. There are no Mr. Smiths in Washington. |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Second pick Second face Second choice So second place Nice crisp construction. Do you want to make it completely parallel by dropping the "So"? Something to think about.... For once I want to come out on top "on top" carries a lot of sexual freight, so be sure you want that kind of implication if you use that particular phrase. A girl who wants to be "on top" may have the kind of problem you're describing, but for different reasons. For once I want to win Just once I'd like to be number one Especially to him I'll never be his first pick I'll never be "the one" I'll always be that one girl He liked just for fun The repetition here makes a nice poetic envelope as it echoes off the initial phrasing. I'd definitely keep that working. The last line works well, but it needs to be foreshadowed so it can deliver its full punch. I think the key to success with this poem will be to add an image that shows him thinking of you in that way -- some little detail near the start that demonstrates it in an understated way, and prepares the reader for the coup de grace. You're off to a good start here. I'll be interested to see the finished product. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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