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Simple Chance
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Simple Chance |
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raleighbttrfly Member
since 2000-11-21
Posts 160Raleigh NC |
Simple chance and small circumstance Brought me hear to day Or was it master fate that led me And helped me find my way The road ahead unclear But so few I’ve held so dear Shall we drift or shall we wed All things run threw my hopeful head Simple chance and small circumstance Somehow added up to you This future fragile and impossible to view Did destiny dream this Could she let us keep such bliss Or will it fall away Never fear the day that’s near Keep those thoughts at bay Simple chance and circumstance You never know how fate will play this on eis new. I am sure it needs some tweeking |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Amberlyn, I am not going to give a speech on rhyme and how it is hard to write a poem with a good natural flowing rhyming structure. The rhyming in your poem is not bad just a bit forced, there are others who will be able to advise you better than I could on ways to improve this. I am going to focus on the content of the poem itself. Changes made [ ] Insertions ( ) Line 1: “Simple chance and small circumstance” I was a bit puzzled over where you have placed “simple” and “small.” Personally I find that “Small chance and Simple circumstance” reads better. For a few reasons 1) it sounds more natural, “small chance” being an expression in everyday speech. Maybe this is the reason why you did it the other way. 2) It flows better, to my ear anyway, as “Small chance and Simple circumstance” both “smAll and “chAnce” have a strong “A” sound. Sure there is a tech. expression for this (that my English schoolteacher forgot to mention.) The same goes for “ Simple circumstance” with the repetition of “i” “m” “e.” Also in terms of syllables “simple” words better with “circumstance” Line 2: (Have) brought me [here] [today] ( , ) I inserted “Have” first of all for grammar reasons, secondly because compliments “circumstance” the first line should flow better into the second. Line 3: Or was it master fate that led me personifying fate, a bit like Emily Dickinson, When personifying death, fate..etc you should use capitals. i.e. Master Fate. Not sure if it works here, I see that in the third stanza you have personified destiny. I think the poem would work better if you drop the personification. The focus of this poem is your fears for the future and how it may effect your relationship with the other person in the poem. This is interesting enough, it’s a real life drama. If you want to personify Fate and Destiny, you’ll have to flesh them out as characters, maybe they too are lovers or were lovers themselves and are trying to thwart or assist your love. Maybe one is trying to help and other trying to thwart your relationship. The reason why “Because I could not stop for Death” works is that Dickinson makes Death seem believable as a Carriage man. What follows is the poem with the grammar and punctuation changes I feel were needed. Hope these suggestions have been of some help. ---------------------------------------------- [Small chance and simple circumstance] (Have) brought me here today( ,) Or was it fate that led me And helped me find [the] way (?) The road ahead (’s) unclear (,) {Though] so few I’ve held [as] dear (.) Shall we drift or shall we wed (?) All things run (thro’) my head [Small chance and simple circumstance] [All things] added to you (,) This future’s (too) fragile to view (.) Did destiny dream (of) this, Could [it] keep [for us] such bliss (?) Or will it (all) fall away (?) Never fear the day that’s near(,) Keep those thoughts at bay(.) [Small chance and simple circumstance] [We] never know [the hand] fate’ll play(.) watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis [This message has been edited by brian madden (01-14-2003 01:17 PM).] |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
Interesting poem. I'll have to read it a few more times before I can critique more. For now, let me direct you to hip-hop. The last stanza you used had the best flow and the way you used rhyme in the middle of the line without waiting for the last word of the couplet reminded me of hip-hop. Perhaps the possibility has never occured to you, but I'd say check out some underground stuff; any of the members of Anticon would suffice. As for your use of personifaction regarding the themes of fate and time, destiny and the like, you switch gender. Master Fate changed to a female "destiny" in the third stanza. If they are seperate people, let it be. If not, if they are the same person, change Master Fate to Mistress. Hope that was helpful! |
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