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Critical Analysis #2
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Midnight "Masquerade" rewritten
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Midnight "Masquerade" rewritten |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA 
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Well, I have already began rewriting it and I'm not finished I don't think quite yet, but I need a little input on how it's beginning to come out! Thanks bunches! Midnight *Promenade* We fell into the midst of an enduring night Now our hearts begin to take flight Our love starts to burn into an ember We must make this night something to remember So give me your hand Let our love get lost in the sand Let's start this midnight promenade Share this night as the moon begins to fade As you kiss me farewell My words come out of their shell "We can't end our dance so soon We must make this special under the moon" So give me your hand Let our love get lost in the sand Let's start this midnight promenade Share this night as the moon begins to fade As the dragonflies light your face I realize to give you up would be a disgrace Every moment seems captured in the waves Our love is something the ocean craves XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
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| © Copyright 2003 Serena Marie Corbella - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
OK, i don't want to seem like your personal critic, LOL, I really like this, a lot stronger than your first version, and the title makes more sense. It reminds me of THe Doors' Moonlight Drive. This is a compliment. Ok a few suggestions,I am still not crazy about the rhyme. It works yet some internal rhyme and metre could help it flow better, though I am not the person to make suggestions on how to improve this. There is a good reason why I write free verse. For me the second stanza didn't quite work, the repetition of the word "let" could be avoided, here's a suggestion, "So give me your hand and let us be lost along the sand on this midnight promenade as the moon begins to fade". Here I tried to create some internal rhyme to help the lines flow a bit better, with "let us" and "lost" and the "L" sound, also the rhyme of "and" and "sand". Also I kept the following sentences short which should give the rhyming a bit more impact. Personally I don't think that you need to repeat the second verse. Also I found the first two lines of the third stanza seem lacking a bit. Try out different things with this verse. I do like the image of the "words come out of their shell" and feel that you could create something really special with this verse. Hope I have been a help. You do have a talent, keep working at it, and I enjoyed the read. watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Just a small idea that Brian has kind of touched in his suggestion, rhyming poetry, particulary consistently rhyming poetry (which couplets certainly are) usually works better with consistent meter. That is all lines, or at least line pairs i this case, have similar meter. This, of course, is not a requirement, but it can be muc more difficult to make it feel right otherwise. Pete |
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