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Critical Analysis #2
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The Cold
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Cold |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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She knows the cold well feels it permeating every molecule within the house Every time he speaks or his motions cause movement of air there is an icy gust Mornings collect snow though he never notices her shivering or the puddles around her feet Nights are the dead of winter "It is wisdom to know others; |
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| © Copyright 2003 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
good effect warmhart... may need a tad pruning here and there for my taste.. last line for example.. the night is dead winter |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks, Rebel...been a long time. I'll see what I can do with the pruning shears. I appreciate the advice. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
I like your poem. I like all poems that take an emotion or thought and show it through a story or metaphorical image, as you have done. I believe the flow could be improved, however as the first few stanzas consist of only one statement. I like the breaks but they can be included in one stanza of six lines. Keep up the good work! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear Astro, Thnk you very much for reading and for your suggestions in your critique. I will keep them in mind if and when I consider a rewrite. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Kris, Really enjoyed the read. I have a few suggestions. The opening line “She knows the cold well” How about “she knows this cold well”? So we the reader know that there is something different about the “cold.” I was not fond of the line breaks, for me the poem would work better if was not as fragmented. How about “She knows the cold well and can feel it permeating every molecule within the house Every time he speaks or his motions cause movement of air there is an icy gust” Leave this line separate from the main text, it strengths the impac and importance of the line. Now to address the lines “within the house Every time he speaks or his motions cause movement of air” I didn’t like “cause movement of air” you could remove, the reader knows that his motions are going to “cause movement of air” what is important is the following line “…icy gust” How about instead: “within the house Every time he speaks or motions there is an icy gust” It packs a bit more punch. Also I removed “his” from line 4. “puddles around her feet” a bit puzzled by the idea of puddles around her feet, think it would be more affective it her feet were in the puddles. Lastly “Nights are the dead of winter,” it seems fragmented from the main text and theme of the poem, Maybe something like “puddles around her feet here in the death of winter.” watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis |
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kram Junior Member
since 2003-01-17
Posts 20texas |
interesting that the cold is portrayed as a man - indifferent to what the woman is feeling. I agree that the last line feels a little out of place. I enjoyed the poem. I'm new here, and this is the first poem on which I've commented. |
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hohenstein New Member
since 2003-01-17
Posts 9 |
i dont feel i am a good critic, but to me it feels of abandoment. how we can affect eachother without noticing. do we care or are we blind when close. |
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