Galway Bay - Rewrite #1 - pipTalk Forums

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EllenMoran
Junior Member

since 2002-01-03

Posts 24

0 posted 2002-01-08 12:52 PM

The rocks crunched, a muted
syncopation beneath my feet;
while Nonie's lullaby scolding,
spun lightly over the
rhythmic squeak of swings,
forms a session in the air.

Picking out a foothold
against the flood of time,
I slip --
a skitter skip plop
and I freeze,
a puppet suspended with tangled strings;
while ripples carry whispers
of schanachies past.

They stain my memory
blue and green and gray,
with níl aon focal,
only echoes of murmurs
in notes of a jig since forgotten.

Original Version

The rocks crunched
ever so softly beneath my feet
as I entered your memory.
With lullabies of a grandmother’s scolding
and the gentle rhythmic squeak of swings,
I was just another passerby
picking out a foothold against the flood of time.
Blue and green and gray
is my stained memory of you.
Though I was just a passerby;
I could have been there
anyday or everyday;
on that day you knew me.
Soul-communion,
and I went dumb, the gentle power
of generations eternal awing me.
In all the languages, no words, níl aon focal …
only a struggling to reach the omniscience
of eyes, heart, mind.
"I will return"
I promised you,
and I know when I do
you will know me again.

You remind me of someone that I met somewhere else.

EllenMoran
Junior Member

since 2002-01-03

Posts 24

1 posted 2002-01-09 11:23 AM

Since this was posted only shortly before Critical Analysis #2 went up, would it be more appropriate there? If so, could a mod please move it? Thanks!

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-01-09 11:29 PM

I really like this.

A couple questions:

What are schanachies?

What does níl aon focal mean?

Those things kinda threw me.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

EllenMoran
Junior Member

since 2002-01-03

Posts 24

3 posted 2002-01-09 11:34 PM

Both are Gaelic terms. "Schanachie" means storyteller, and was often the one who passed down folklore (possibly analagous to the bards, though loosely so). "Nil aon focal" means literally "not even one word," but it sounded awkward and doesn't have the same strength of meaning in English. I may just kill that line entirely in the next revision precisely because no one knows what it means, though.

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