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Critical Analysis #2
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Beckoning
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Beckoning |
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PoeticJustice Junior Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 44AK, USA |
I posted this in the open poetry forum first... But I didn't know about this forum at the time, so here it is again. That is OK, right? Beckoning For the life of me you’ll never see, how I loved you, how I adored you, how you made me feel. There is a hole deep inside me, a recently dug grave. It waits for me, beckons to me, and it won’t stop until your love, the love of every romantic’s dreams, the love of life, the love that will never desist, sets it free. There are also thoughts, those incessant little wonderings, that berate you and taunt you. Those “what ifs” and “if onlys”. What if I had asked earlier? If only I had more courage... The thoughts madden and sadden, enrage and depress. They have no mercy, they make my life a mess. So, whenever I think of you I gather my steel, To try and ward off the wounds, The wounds that won’t heal. You know, I’m an atheist. And yet... you’re my goddess, my deity, my object of worship. My outlet of praise and my reason for sacrifice. And now that you’re gone, Everyone tells me there are other fish in the sea. But not all are a prize catch, like thee. Besides, I can’t get another girl. You have a firm hold on a region of my heart, Never ever will it be anyone else's, I can only feel faithful to you. You are my life, My cause for living, my only bible, my everything. In my soul is a storm, a thundering typhoon of anger, A torrential downpour of sadness, and a flash flood of love. Kristi, I love you. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Whenever I’m around you, Whenever I even think of you, I feel the beckoning, I feel the sickening, I feel the outer reaches of reality telling me to go for it, But most of all, I want to be with you. And now I won’t... So farewell my love, Perhaps in another place and another time, Perhaps someday you will be mine. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Joshua Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yes Joshua, it is all right to repost in CA. If you remove the extra line breaks and put this in the form of a letter to Kristi then it might be more effective. As a poem it is just way too wordy and prosey. You have far too many words that just don't contribute and the whole thing just seems to be begging her to reconsider without really giving her any reason to do so. I'm sorry to sound so negative but that's how I see it. The first strike againt it is the nature of the subject. As they say, it has been told many times before. Now that is true of most subject matter. The solution is to find a new or at least interesting way to say what has been said many times before. I think you can take what you have here and start by stripping as many unnecessary words as possible. Then try to find different ways of expressing most of your basic ideas. Try for more imagery. With some work, you could have something interestine to others as well as yourself, maybe even Kristi. Thanks, Pete |
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Tansen Junior Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 11 |
Hi, I feel this is a better prose than poem. But i found one small thing that sounded out of place. You said, "Besides, I can’t get another girl." Sounded like you want her back 'cause of this. Would it not be better to say "Besides, I don't want another girl." goes with the feeling of the rest of it. If i'm off the mark, do let me know. |
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PoeticJustice Junior Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 44AK, USA |
I meant can't as in I couldn't bear to. Don't want to implies that I could still do it if I tried, saying I can't makes it sound more like there's an emotional barrier stopping me from going out and getting other girls. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
PJ - I think the alternative is less problematic than the one you chose. I, too, read it to mean that you can't get another one because you are unable to. Implies that you have tried, if anything. And I have to agree that this could be a letter. |
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Tansen Junior Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 11 |
Yeah I agree with that too. the work "can't" looks like it is in the wrong place there. I'd like it better if it were changed. Or may be, you could use any other alternative to put forward the same message. tansen |
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