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PoeticJustice
Junior Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 44
AK, USA

0 posted 2002-12-06 02:02 AM

Eh, this one's just weird... I expect bad criticism for this one. Let's just say I wasn't all myself when I wrote this.

Astronomical Echoes

Wandering, wavering, in the sky
the clouds watch all that passes by
the sun speaks softly in their ears
of times of old and star-shed tears.

Sadly now the time is gone
for the stars to play upon the dawn
and when the stars wither and die
nothing thing will remain, only a lie.

Echoes of the past are here
soon everything will disappear
the memories that will remain
well be saved so, but in vain.
Repercussions of the light at hand
the sparkle travels far across the land
but when the time to judge is near
the universe will not be so clear.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-12-07 10:25 AM

'Let's just say I wasn't all myself when I wrote this.'

What do you mean? Were you high? Do you have multiple personality disorder? It bugs me when people drop hints like that but don't say what they mean.

'Wandering, wavering, in the sky
the clouds watch all that passes by'

I like these two lines. The first line has good alliteration and flow going for it (but I'd eliminate the socond comma). The second line is really cool, because it completely reverses typical human perceptions of the clouds moving- here, they are stationary, and we're what goes by...

I think this poem would be really good if you stuck by this idea.

'the sun speaks softly in their ears
of times of old and star-shed tears.'

Here you begin to deviate from where you began. Your interesting idea becomes a set up for something about time passing.... okay, not sure I like it, but let's see where it goes.

'Sadly now the time is gone
for the stars to play upon the dawn
and when the stars wither and die
nothing thing will remain, only a lie.'

What are you talking about?

I like the second line, the image is nice- but what does any of this ahve to do with clouds and the sun and times of old? Are you switching suddenly to night, which is turning into morning, which is what you mean by the stars withering and dying? If so, why the abrupt change? And, most of all, what 'lie' will remain? I'm lost.

'Echoes of the past are here
soon everything will disappear
the memories that will remain
well be saved so, but in vain.'

What are you talking about?

'Repercussions of the light at hand
the sparkle travels far across the land
but when the time to judge is near
the universe will not be so clear.'

What are you talking about? Time to judge? Huh?

This poem falls victim to a rhyme scheme that seems to murder your intent and meaning. I don't know how you got from point A to point B. Clarity is a definite issue here, and so is coherence. I am completely lost by this. Hope I've helped.

arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

2 posted 2002-12-07 02:36 PM

I think you have a talent
there is a damd good poem here waiting to get out
sound idea and some nice images
It needs tightening.
My aim( and I fail) is to get the best image /statement I can with the least words whilst trying to keep a structure of sounds

there is no punctuation
However
If you wrote it for yourself
what the hell
but if you wrote it for me
Then I want you to work harder !!!
arthur
ps if I thought it was rubbish then i would have not written or just said a platitude

PoeticJustice
Junior Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 44
AK, USA

3 posted 2002-12-08 04:42 AM

Ok first I would like to say, in response to you asking me what those stanzas were about, I have no clue whatsoever. No, I was not high, no, I don't have multiple personality disorder(that'd be cool, though, never be lonely). To tell the truth I don't remember very well... I think it was late at night, and I might have been on some cold medicine, but I'm not sure. I was in one of those states where you can just space out for a couple hours and not notice it go by... Almost a trance like state. I had Meddle playing in the cd player and the rhythm is that of Echoes... I think. Might only seem that way to me.

Anyways, I'll try to make sense of what's going on...

"Wandering, wavering, in the sky
the clouds watch all that passes by
the sun speaks softly in their ears
of times of old and star-shed tears."

I personified the the layers of space as we know it(our atmoshpere, the sun, stars, etc.). Maybe the universe or galaxy is a living entity(that's a neat thought...) and it's had wars with itself in the past or something.

"Sadly now the time is gone
for the stars to play upon the dawn
and when the stars wither and die
nothing thing will remain, only a lie."

Wait, maybe this is about the universe collapsing and something happening in the nothingness(heaven?).

Ok this makes no sense now... I tried :p

I just posted this here to see if you guys could make any sense of it... I have another one just like this and I really think it's weird.

[This message has been edited by PoeticJustice (12-08-2002 04:43 AM).]

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