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punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

0 posted 2002-02-21 06:26 PM

'i'm sorry you could never take this'
she whispers to the moonlight
her thoughts poised on the edge
'i'm sorry everything was nothing else'
she's screaming now
they tried,
nothing works, stop her please
she disassembles all of her thought
feeding them to the darkness
its raging beast
lost to her everything gone

her car is on the edge
she stands on it
nakedscreaming
at the sharp black cold
as if she could teach them love
tell them what is really gone

'and i'm sorry

i was never there'

but nothing ever learns

"the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound"
*Barenaked Ladies
'Toniht is the night i fell asleep at the wheel

Streen
Member

since 2001-11-28

Posts 169

1 posted 2002-02-22 08:11 PM

I know it seems in some parts of this you are trying to be slightly vague, but sometimes you are just too general and use cliches.

E.g.:

"feeding them to the darkness
its raging beast" ~cliche

"sharp black cold"~ a little more description please, that's fairly general

I think you need to hint a little more what the reason is, how these people failed a little more. Either that or I'm just a plain old ignoramus.

Generally, general poems work best when they are employed allegorically. If you mean to teach a lesson here, it needs to be cleared up a little bit more, I think.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-02-22 11:41 PM

I think this is really interesting... you have some good images/phrasing her, but it's also a bit unclear in places.

''i'm sorry you could never take this''

This comment begs the question 'take what?' that isn't answered. Also,the 'could never' didn't uite sit right with me, I'm not sure what it is, it almost seems like a pretentious thing for the speaker to say, like she's making an assumption about whoever it is she's talking to... like 'could never' applies not only to the past, but also to the future... it just confused me some.

'she whispers to the moonlight
her thoughts poised on the edge'

The edge of what? I like the wording here, I just thnk you could take the image a step further and make it outstanding.

''i'm sorry everything was nothing else'
she's screaming now'

Excellent... the rest of the poem could have been crap, you won me over with this line. it's almost an abstraction, the only difference is that once you smooth out the verbal wrinkles, this actually says something... I love it.

'they tried,
nothing works, stop her please'

Here is where I got really confused. Before, I thought this was a narrative poem, but these lines introduce an unstated second-person point of view: 'nothing works, (you) stop her please'- with an impertitive like 'stop her please' the 'you' is understood, and therefore also the shift between third and second person, which sort of alienated me as the reader- you went from telling me a story to thrusting me into it when I already only have a sketchy idea about what's going on.

'she disassembles all of her thought
feeding them to the darkness
its raging beast
lost to her everything gone'

What thought(s)? instead of telling us this is what she's doing, try continuing the narrative style with quotations of her thoughts.... spill her guts for us, tell us why we should care about her... (You know, like the fact that she says cool things like 'i'm sorry everything was nothing else.')

'her car is on the edge'

The edge of what? This is even more important than the earlier 'edge'- first of all, this is a physical edge, not an emotional one, so it's harder to get away with. Secondly, more importantly, this is your chance to draw a paralell between the first edge (the beginning of the poem) and this one (the climax.)

'she stands on it
nakedscreaming'

I don't know if 'nakedscreaming' was meant to be oneword withoutspace between it, but I like it, it works very well in the context of this poem.

'at the sharp black cold
as if she could teach them love
tell them what is really gone'

I actually liked 'sharp black cold' okay... my opinion is that not every image in a poem has to be hair-splitting sharp, and for what it's worth, this one works fine. My question is.... who are 'they'? You've set us up for tension-building towards the climax, but I don't have any feelings for 'them'... I don't know 'them'.

''and i'm sorry

i was never there''

This didn't have the impact on me I think it was intended to have.

'but nothing ever learns'

Hmmm. I like this as a last line. The paralell between this and the earlier line I like leaves room for interpretation and adds interesting texture. I would definitely not change either of those...

Other than that, I think this could use a lot of fleshing out, and if necessary after that, some clarification. You have some pretty good groundwork, it just could use some additions.

Hope I've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

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