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Thoughts?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Thoughts? |
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Alpha_Omega Junior Member
since 2002-11-26
Posts 23 |
his change... Clear the winds and let it go Its so far from the feelings I need It creates these wounds that run deep into me creating black vains and destroying everything I create let it die hold onto the hope closer draw it Draw it so near to graspe and let it slip away so far Galloping into the thunderous storm As I lie bleeding thru my soul and save it all just Just for the last gasp and the last breathe a possible disclosure into an infinite sureality and take me away Let the life I know go to the past I only hope That I still believe that this change will be to intimate to continue |
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| © Copyright 2002 Alpha_Omega - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
hey welcome to PIP... glad you could join us here! Now for comments on your poem... I'm not sure this shouldn't be reworked extensively. take alooka t the images you use and the phrases and try to avoid repeating the same words several times. A short piece like this needs to have every word count and to add something to the poem. How long have you been writing by the way? I know there are several that critique in here that will always recommend reading.. reading..then reading... read good poets, classical poets...read prose..and watch how the use of words becomes concise in the their descritpions or telling, each having a definite purpose, each adding to the whole... hope to see more of your works! take care.. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Alpha, Another welcome to CA. Yes it does seem a little wordy. Also, the capitalization appears random and there are a few typos, misused words and other grammatical mistakes. If English is a second language then these mistakes are at least understandable. If not, you might get better response if you proofread better before posting. I don't mean to sound negative in this but these things can be important to many readers, myself included. Again, welcome to the forum. I hope you enjoy it here. And check your email. Pete |
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Alpha_Omega Junior Member
since 2002-11-26
Posts 23 |
Ive been writing for about 2 months... And for the spelling mistakes, yes there are several severe mistakes. Usually this takes place when I don't read over my work. Thanks for the thoughts though. AO |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Alpha... one thing I try to do with my spelling is use a program like microsoft word to write my poems and then run the spell checker.it wil catch most of my mistakes ( and I spell horribly). Two months is a good start. Some people here have been writing for years and one of the reason I asked is offering advice or giving a critical review of someones work should be done ( at least in my opinion) with an understanding of how long they have been writing and how seriously they take it. Don't be discouraged by anything said in here... go read..and then write and write and write... and always read. We learn a lot from reading other peoples work sometimes things we don't even realize we've learned until next time we write... nice to meet you... hope to seee more of your poems!!! |
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Alpha_Omega Junior Member
since 2002-11-26
Posts 23 |
Nice to meet you too. When you say read though. I assume you get inspirations from that, for me inspiration comes from music. So, like is that wrong? |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Alpha..when I say read...I mean read to see and understand the devices used by other poets to write effective and strong pieces. Inspiration comes from other places..although reading can be inspiring. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yes, what Cpat said. Inspiration comes from whatever inspires you, whether it be music or nature or love or whatever. But by reading skilled writers you gradually learn what works or at least what works for them. There are many skills required in addition to inspiration. Good luck Pete |
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
Evening, Alpha. Here is something worth considering: Never rush your posting. This means using spell-check and grammer checking. Assume, prior to posting, that an English Prof is waiting to pounce on it. There isn't, of course, but it will help to keep you honest on taking the necessary pause prior to hitting the SEND key. Also, brevity is a necessity in all poetry. 'AND' splices are usually more of a annoyance than a help to a poem. I suggest this: wherever you see an 'AND' or 'THE', try omitting it in trial balloons and see if reads in a more poetic 'vein'. Overall, i am not positive the effect you wished to invoke was created in the reader's minds-eye. After writing a piece such as this, it is helpful to ask others what they saw as the core concept of the poem and see if they come close to it. If not, chances are good rewording may be needed. Welcome to PIP and welcome to the wonderful world of poetry! JkF |
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