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Critical Analysis #2
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right on time
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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right on time |
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neill Junior Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 13 |
Out across the back streets Way up on the hillsides mountain climb And I stand here wondering In the vast for the point that idle brings It’s leaving Cast against the wall of all the stars And it’s right on time, its right on time Standing in the station The five o’clock has made it past the fields Caressed by the sun lights virgin smile And in silence we wonder What’s the part that we avoid in dreaming? Is it the silence? Because silence is easy? Will we dare to breathe this putrid air As cemented trees surround me But we’re right on time It’s right on time Because that’s my token prayer lord That I’m right on time Because I can’t afford to miss the rail again This evening Because I wonder Where is the point that idle brings And then silence leaves me she leaves me Right on time Right on time |
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| © Copyright 2002 neill - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! Thanks for sharing your poem. I like its mood and it's jazzy beat. I do feel, however that it can be improved by using a middle stanza as an introduction. That would avoid any confusion the reader might feel at the outset concerning the subject. Here is the poem with what I feel is the right introductory stanza. Standing in the station The five o’clock has made it past the fields Caressed by the sun lights virgin smile And in silence we wonder What’s the part that we avoid in dreaming? Is it the silence? Because silence is easy? Will we dare to breathe this putrid air As cemented trees surround [us][?] But we’re right on time It’s right on time Because that’s [our] token prayer lord That [we be] right on time Because [we] can’t afford to miss the rail again This evening Because [we] wonder Where is the point that idle brings[?] And then silence leaves [us] she leaves [us] Right on time Right on time Out across the back streets Way up on the hillsides mountain climb [][We] stand [] wondering In the vast for the point that idle brings It’s leaving Cast against the wall of all the stars And it’s right on time, it[']s right on time [Once we assume the first person plural "we" as our viewpoint, it is necessary to consistently adhere to it for the rest of the poem.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-07-2002 02:38 AM).] |
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neill Junior Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 13 |
thanks! You're right. I have struggled with this one a bit, that is why it just had to be posted here. I like the "we", however, i wonder if there is a way to bring it back to "i"... a change like that seems to sacrifice some of the integrity. Certainly makes it a better read though.... I'm sold on the order changes! They work beautifully. thanks for the feedback....re-writing as we don't speak... [This message has been edited by neill (11-07-2002 08:16 AM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! Certainly! The "I" viewpoint can also be used as long as we remain consistent as we did with the "we" viewpoint. Glad to be of help. God bless! |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
A wonderful thought-provoking piece, but perhaps a bit of that dirty old dog called punctuation would help. I will come back again later, as I am pressed up against the wall tonight for time, but want you to know I really liked this and will return. Thanks for your patience, Kacy |
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