The Darker Side of Suicide

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LucidityNow
Member

since 2001-02-06

Posts 118
Canada

0 posted 2002-10-31 08:05 AM

Darkness, black to the pitch
Frozen by an unknown feeling, every inch
Blind? Paralyzed? Cursed?
NO!!!!!
This is the end, the worst of the worst
The darkness, transorms into a vision of hell
A vision, soon to be known all too well
For what seems like months, you attempt to defend
Against the dark creatures, that attack to no end

Then invisible fingers grip your arm like a vice
Shaking in pain, your colder than ice
You come to, on some sort of moving device
Then a voice makes you jump, "NOW WILL SUFFICE!"

A wall opens up, 50 feet your are thrown
Looking up you see Satan himself, on a throne
Which seems constructed of carcass and bone
It screams "YOU FOOL!" in a deafening tone

"why am i here?" you ask as loud as you dare
"BY YOUR OWN FAULT!" it yells, with a glare
You try to remember, but your mind is erased
What did you do to end up in this place?

To your dread you remember, your thoughts coincide
It roars "THATS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU COMMIT SUICIDE!"

and i'm certain that if i drive into those trees, it would make less of a mess, than she's made of me...

Nathan B
New Member

since 2002-10-30

Posts 2

1 posted 2002-10-31 12:42 PM

Don't you think your poem would be more effective if you focused on either the consequences unseen by the suicidal person (maybe feelings of loss by people left behind)? Metaphysical consequences wouldn't seem to me to be as important to the suicidal person as the "real" consequences would be. I can't say I would know this for certain, but wouldn't you think?

The poem, as it is, reads a little prosey (not that there is anything wrong with that), but if you are aiming to make an impact on the reader with the images, I think you may be able to achieve this with fewer words.

Nathan

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-11-05 02:37 PM

I have to agree that it is too wordy, making it feel prosey. There are many unimportant word you could better remove. Also, many of your rhymes seem a little forced. The rhyme scheme you have chosen seems to me to fit better with a lighter subject. In fact, this being pretty dark material, it might be better treated without rhyme at all. If you want to use rhyme, it usually (not necessarily always) tends to work better if you maintain a fairly consistent meter.

These are just a few suggestions you might want to consider.

Thanks,
Pete

paladin

Senior Member

since 2001-08-05

Posts 930
Pensacola,Fl.

3 posted 2002-11-06 09:06 PM

Suicide is the ultimate act of selfessness.Too much is written about the effect that it has one the one commiting the act and there is much to be written about how it effects the one left behind.

paladin

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2002-11-06 11:20 PM

To me, this poem seems a little contrived. The quotations attributed to "Satan" are really wholly unbelievable.

I would get rid of the rhyme and the dialogue and start again, maybe focusing more on how the speaker feels about this speculation (or reality, but even if it's the speaker's reality, it is only the author's speculation) instead of staying so glued to the idea of a linear plotline.

Hope I've helped.

'Suicide is the ultimate act of selfessness.Too much is written about the effect that it has one the one commiting the act and there is much to be written about how it effects the one left behind.'

I completely disagree with this.

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