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Critical Analysis #2
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New here but not new to poetry, new to getting published though.
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Critical Analysis #2
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New here but not new to poetry, new to getting published though.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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New here but not new to poetry, new to getting published though. |
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billiegail New Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 8East Texas, USA! |
Good morning everyone. I did not see a forum for newbies, so I picked one that I was most interested in to introduce myself. My name is Billie Gail and I am from East Texas (born and raised). I have been married for the second time for one year and I have three boys that have, and to my dismay, two of them have out grown me. I have been writing poetry for about 10 years now and I have been published several times in Anthologies, which turned out to be a joke. Not a funny joke either because I was not laughing in the end. I have yet to figure out what kind of poetry I write. I tend to write in different styles, I think. Maybe some of you can help me figure out which style it is that I write. As with most poets, I write from the heart. I have not been able to master fiction in any form or fashion. If it has not effected me or someone that I care about, I have no desire to write about it. I have been unable to write in the past when someone wants me too write something for them. It has to "just happen" for me. I have written a cute children's book, that has sat on the shelf for years for fear of rejection, I suppose. My main focus is poetry though. I have a passion for christian plays though and I am currently working on one now. I am not sure what I am going to do with it when I am done though. Guess, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Well, enough said about me. I look forward to meeting each of you and reading your poetry. Here is a poem that I wrote in '98 after my Father died from Small cell Lung cancer. I am horrible when it comes to proper puctuation. So, please correct me if I need it, and I am sure I will. LOL I sat down beside him, I took his hand, I held it tight and prayed with all my might. I could not cry, For, I was numb inside. My strength was his need, His love and acceptance was mine. Jesus, I asked, Release him please For his suffering was so great. His burden was too much, For even this strong man to take The pain in his eyes shot through me like Lightning from the sky. I prayed… Sweet Jesus Take him Take him For he will not die He will live again For he has been forgiven for his sins. He knows you Jesus, He knows you well In your house, he choose to dwell Our suffering has been great and mighty hard to bear But, we rejoice knowing he is in your care You have gained our great loss But, we know he had to join you early So that he may prepare Prepare a place for his family and friends So, we may all be together again A Father, A Brother, A Husband, A Son, and A Friend And the hardest working Most committed man That will never live again. Copyright 1998 Billie Gail Stanley-Lackey-Turknett |
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| © Copyright 2002 Billie Stanley-Lackey-Turknett - All Rights Reserved | |||
Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
billiegail, A fine introduction. And welcome to Passions. I have no doubt you will fit in here just fine. I too lost my father this year. This is a wonderful tribute and well written. I have no critique to offer, even of your punctuation. Welcome and I look forward to some current writing as well. Watch out for Sunshine!  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Billie I have read your other thread in here as well as this one, and obviously I am very sorry that you appear to have had a bad experience with scam anthologies; there are many about both on and off line. You ask what “style” you write in. Well your poem about your father is in “free verse”. Unstructured, mostly unrhymed and generally non-metrical. You seem to have a desire to be published. I do not know if the poem you have posted here is representative of your best work, but I would caution you that you might struggle to find a reputable publisher for poems of this quality. My advice to you would be to develop your writing ability by reading: A Poetry Handbook Mary Oliver or In the Palm of Your Hand:The Poet's Portable Workshop Steve Kowit There is absolutely no reason at all why you should not stick to writing about people and things that you care about and that affect you directly but I think that you need to change HOW you write about those things. Still, I have only seen one of your poems and I am not perhaps in a position to make a fair judgement, and if I have misread the position I apologise in advance. Regards Rob |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Billie, Welcome to the forum. Rob has offered excellent advice, or at least alluded to it. There are many scam poetry publishers out there and to be published by a reputable one is most difficult. If you are interested in improving your writing skills then you have probably found the right forum. Beginners may find it a little tough here as we try to give honest criticism in CA. After all, that is its purpose. But jump right in, submit your better work and read a lot. Most importantly though, be sure to critique the work of others. That is the life-blood of this forum. It is very hard to critique a poem like this, one written for the loss of a loved one. I too lost my father just a few months ago so I understand the emotional release associated with writing this poem. Often is is almost impossible to portray such an incident to others without seeming too emotional. So I won't try to comment further on this one but welcome again. Jump right in and join the fray. Pete |
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billiegail New Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 8East Texas, USA! |
Thank you for your Critiques. Even though, I am lost when it comes to how I am to change the way I write. I guess, I would have to say that I write some really good poems, and not all like the one I posted, but most of mine could go in a greeting card. Do you think they would be hard to get published? I'd like to be critiqued alot here, so I'll learn and grow as a poet. I plan on doing alot of reading of the poems and the critiques of those poems, here on the site. Thanks again and I'll post a couple more tomorrow and I'll be looking forward to your critiques, postive or not. Jesus is The Only Way, The Only Truth, and the Only way to having Eternal Life! |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think the best thing you could do to improve this poem is to differentiate it from other poems about dead fathers. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, and these types of poems are difficult to critique because the subject matter is so close to the writer. But to me, this is just a poem about a dead father. In order to bring the reader into this, I think you need to introduce some more unique elements, because there are a lot of "Dad's gone to heaven" poems out there- you should try to personally introduce the reader to your father's memory, give us something noteworthy to hold on to. This specifically about what you want to highlight- your father as a person, his actual passing, or his afterlife with Jesus (which seems to be your focal point here)- and you could introduce different elements to elaborate on the general theme. Specificity is key- decide exactly what you want the reader to see, know, feel in this poem, and aim every word at that goal. Reading writing guides is probably a good idea- Personally, I've never bought an actual handbook (not that I claim to be some really excellent writer or anything) but I do feel that reading, critiquing, and analyzing poetry has really helped me to understand my own writing and how to really take the reigns and make it do what I want it to do. You seem like a person who likes background, personal explanations and introductions- work that into your poetry, and I think you could amke poems like this much more intimate for a reader. Hope I've helped. |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Billie Hush offers some excellent advice which I'd fully endorse, especially about "specificity" and reading other good poetry. Please don’t feel that you will be “lost” if you try to develop your writing - the handbook by Kunitz would be an ideal starting point to set you in the right direction, though you will soon outgrow it and then, as Hush says, you will learn more from reading other poems and analysing them. By all means post some more poems here, but also try and stick to the forum guidelines and offer some comments on other peoples poems in here as well. Best regards Rob |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Here is a poem that I wrote in '98 after my Father died from Small cell Lung cancer. I am horrible when it comes to proper [punctuation]. So, please correct me if I need it, and I am sure I will. LOL Hi! Welcome to the PIP forum. Sorry about your dad! Sooner or later we all must face similar eventualities. Thanks for sharing your heartfelt poem. I would like to add to the excellent advice just given. Here are my suggestions in brackets: [Your poem is written in free style. However, the capitalization of the first letter of the first word of every new line is characteristic of traditional poetry. So there is a sort of dichotomy here. Actually, I would consider the removal of the capitalization an improvement.] Here is a correction of the punctuation as requested: I sat down beside him[.] I took his hand[.] I held it tight and prayed with all my might. I could not cry, For[] was numb inside. My strength was his need.[.] His love and acceptance was mine. ["] Jesus,"] I asked, ["] release him please For his suffering [] [is] [very] great, His burden [is] too much [Here are alternatives for "too much" that you might want to try: "too severe" "too heavy" "unbearable" "unendurable"] For even this strong man to take.["] The pain in his eyes shot through me like Lightning []. [That's where lightning is assumed to come from so telling us is redundant.] I prayed[,] ["] Sweet Jesus Take him[!] Take him[!] For he will not die[.] He will live again For he has been forgiven for his sins. He knows you Jesus[.] He knows you well[.] In your house, he [chose] to dwell[.] Our suffering has been great and mighty hard to bear[,] But [] we rejoice knowing he is in your care[.] You have gained our great loss But, we know he had to join you early So that he may prepare[,] Prepare a place for his family and friends So, we may all be together again[,] A Father, A Brother, A Husband, A Son, and A Friend And the hardest working Most committed man That will never live again.["] [Aren't persons in heaven living?] In order to help with the punctuation, I recommend that you acquire a copy of the following book. The Elements of Style William Strunk, Jr. http://www.bartleby.com/141/ [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-20-2002 01:44 PM).] |
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Critical Analysis #2
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New here but not new to poetry, new to getting published though.
