Levitation (or just levity)

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Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2002-10-16 03:11 PM

Flying My Kite

A windy day in early May
And I was outside trying
To fly a fancy kite I bought
But it just wasn't flying.

I’d get it up but not for long,
In spite of efforts all
‘Twould spin around and dive and then
The blasted thing would fall.

Then from the window yelled my wife,
“Now this just won’t suffice.
You look so bloody stupid there”,
And offered this advice:

“My dear, I think I know just what
Would surely make it sail.
It seems that what you really need
Is just a little tail.”

Ironic words to come from her
For it was just last night
I asked her for that very thing;
She said “Go fly a kite.”

Capricious
Member

since 2002-09-14

Posts 89
California, USA

1 posted 2002-10-16 05:05 PM

Surely you don't expect me to critique this adorable little thing..?

*rocks it in her arms and strokes it lovingly, crooning*

Thanks for the giggle.

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

2 posted 2002-10-16 06:11 PM

A commendable effort Pete the only significant weakness (apart from the lack of tail) being the excruciating inversion in S2 L2; which line you need to replace with:

"I'd pull and jerk and haul"

or similar.

Regards

Rob

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2002-10-17 09:09 AM

I don't have a problem with the inversion in S2 L2, and usually I hate that sort of thing.

Not really anything I can critique- this is just fun.

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

4 posted 2002-10-17 01:06 PM

Neither do I really, but I had to complain about something.

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

5 posted 2002-10-17 03:16 PM

A good one Pete, really liked it and I didn't have any problems with the inversion but I do like Rob's idea with S2 L2.

Even if you don't change it-- it works for me.

caterina

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

6 posted 2002-10-17 04:45 PM

Hi, Pete~
As you know, I don't generally post in this forum.
As a matter of fact, this is my first post here.
I just couldn't pass up the chance to say that
I truly enjoyed reading this.
I rather enjoyed the inversion that Rob refers to, and I wouldn't change a thing.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

7 posted 2002-10-17 04:58 PM

I'm hating that blasted inversion more with every post.

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

8 posted 2002-10-17 05:00 PM

Ah! But wait!

I have it Pete, the inversion is a subtle device making the syntax reflect the nose dive of the kite!

Brilliant Pete - tell me I'm right!

Rob

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

9 posted 2002-10-18 01:37 AM

Here is a variation without the inversion Rob mentions.

I’d get it up but not for long,
Despite my jerks and hauls.
‘Twould spin around and dive and then
The blasted thing would fall.

[I would not include "pull" along with "haul" because it would be redundant. The verb "jerk" is OK because it can be a push and differs a little from "pull" due to the suddeness of motion conveyed.]

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-18-2002 01:42 AM).]

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

10 posted 2002-10-18 03:04 AM

Humm yes Rad I thought of that line first although I had: "In spite of jerks and hauls", but I discarded it because the plural "hauls" wasn't a perfect rhyme.

Still on balance maybe you are right.

Perhaps even better:

"Although I'd jerk and haul"

Rob

[This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (10-18-2002 03:06 AM).]

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

11 posted 2002-10-18 04:18 AM

Yes, Rob, I agree that using "although" fits in nicely as well. I also agree that the poem is improved by avoiding that distracting word inversion.

[This message has been edited by Radrook (10-18-2002 04:21 AM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

12 posted 2002-10-18 01:28 PM

Thanks all for reading. I know this one doesn't deserve serious criticism but since this is where I hang out, I thought I'd post it here anyway.

Capricious, what an adorable comment. Thanks you. Glad you liked it.

Rob, now I can't be sure whether you really hate the inversion or have come to accept it. I have to confess that I rather like your second suggesiton, "Although I'd jurk and haul." I'm thinking.

Amy and Cat, if you ladies approve of the inversion, in spite of your usual aversion to such things, then I am inclined to leave it.

Vicky, good to hear your voice in CA.

Glad you liked and come around more often. We don't always have heated arguments in here. Behind that rough facade I think we rather like one another and sometimes even try to have a little fun.

Rad, thanks for reading and commenting. This is getting pretty exciting. With both you and Rob agreeing on something I may have to seriously consider it.

Thanks all,
Pete

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

13 posted 2002-10-18 02:39 PM

Pete, you'd be thinking right! (But don't tell the purity police!)

And, whoa!! You aren’t seriously thinking of putting the views of the two ladies in front of the combined might of Rad and myself surely!!?

Gentleman Rob!

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

14 posted 2002-10-18 09:30 PM

...ick. sorry, don't like the inversion myself. even before i read the comments, i felt that line out of place. I do like the suggestion (jerk and pull) though as it would add to the subtle innuendo running toward the punch line.

in all, this is a little gem, one of those you tell friends about when out drinking.

just dreaming
New Member

since 2002-12-03

Posts 8

15 posted 2002-12-09 05:22 PM

I do like the idea or replacing s2 l2 with jerk and pull but it works bouth ways, I didn't find the inversion distracting at all. Great job!

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

16 posted 2002-12-10 06:16 PM

I love this one, Pete!

Hi, how goes it?

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

17 posted 2002-12-11 09:44 AM

Hi Kris,

You've been away too long. I've missed your smiling face and cheerful voice around here. Stick around a while.

Dreaming,

Thanks for bumping this back up. It brought Warmhrt out of the closet and that's a good thing.

Pete

Tansen
Junior Member

since 2002-12-14

Posts 11

18 posted 2002-12-14 10:03 AM

Hi,

This one is really great and may i used the most ill used word in it's correct meaning?? IT'S CUTE(Dict. Meaning:ugly but desirable)

MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member

since 2006-02-28

Posts 74
california

19 posted 2006-03-01 06:55 PM

MY FIEST LAUGH OF THE DAY AND I SORLY NEEDED IT MY FRIEND! WHERE IS YOUR MORE RECENT STUFF? WHO SAYS YOU ARE NOT A POET?
GREAT WRITE!
LOVE
CONNIE

I AM BLIND/I POST IN CAPS. FORGIVE IF THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. A VOICE READER HELPS ME READ POSTS. MY SCR-NAME POSTED WRONG, IT IS MUSEconnieHUES

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

20 posted 2006-03-01 09:39 PM

Thanks for bringing this back up Connie...

Pete, I really have mentioned this one while "out drinking." Amazing that after, what, four years? as soon as I started the first line, I remembered the rest.

That's not too bad, bud.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

21 posted 2006-03-01 10:15 PM

So glad people go back into so much time
to bring a smile with a bit of rhyme!

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