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Critical Analysis #2
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(Sorry bout crosspost but I want more depth than good job)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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(Sorry bout crosspost but I want more depth than good job) |
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goldhawk New Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 4 |
The Real World Have you ever heard Those 5 teeth-grinding, nerve-racking words Welcome To The Real World Favored by teachers and adults alike Normally, I just force a smile when they say it But on rainy day One unusual day A teacher told me those 5 ill words trying to put me down And asked what I thought of that Oh I wished she hadn't asked that Asked for my opinion But sine she seemed to think she was so superior I let her have a taste of my "unexperienced" mind It went a little like this: The real world...ha the real world Is something you use to get pleasure Out of scaring kids Like with the boogy man It's a lie We are as part of the real world As every other so-called adult You are forced to go to a boring job We are forced to go to school as if it's a job But you get paid We get tortured with long idle speeches of no real importance You pay bills We pay lunch money and other debts You get the security of your basic rights We get stuck learning about the rights we aren't allowed yet only because we are "too young" You are denied living the pleasures of your life by the government We are denied living the pleasures of our life by you I don't claim to know it all I only claim as how I see it I've lived with many problems As many others have like me We are afraid to walk the streets At night because of the chance of being harmed We have to deal with the abortions and pregnancies of our own kids from with our girlfriends We have to deal with the pressure of drug use We have to watch our parents waste their lives away drinking and fighting We deal with just as many problems as you So as I see it We always have been in the real world So my response to you Well... to put it nicely... It starts with [edited by moderator] [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (09-30-2002 10:03 AM).] |
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Crazy Eddie Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178 |
Well I definitely won’t say “good job”. This piece seems flat, it reads like prose, it has no imagery and no real message apart from the one I got by the fourth line. Added to that you resorted to trying to shock the reader with the F and U at the end, profanity in poetry, even half-heartedly disguised profanity rarely works. In fact I can only remember reading one poem that I thought actually required it, I’ve included a link in case you’re interested. That’s the bad news out of the way.  Here’s the good news.  You’re 14 (I checked out your other posts) and you think you might want to write poetry, you’ve seen poems similar to yours that have received favourable replies and so you’ve had a go. You’ve done two things right and one thing wrong, the first thing you did was decide to try writing poetry. Writing poetry is fun educational and therapeutic and anyone willing to try to learn how to do it deserves help and encouragement. The second thing you did was go out and find some examples of poetry but this is also where I’m guessing that you made a fatal error, you haven’t been reading poetry you’ve been reading flat unimaginative prose-like angst. At this point most people would advise you to read more poetry and try writing some free verse, my advice is read more poetry and try out some rhymed verse, be warned IT WILL BE VERY VERY BAD, but it will improve. Rhymed verse will teach you structure and form and the importance of imagery and word use. This site once ran a mentoring program, Poet deVine and someone else instigated it as I recall, try posting a thread in Q&A and find out if there are any plans to re-run it. Failing that feel free to post your future efforts here, only clearly mark them as beginner’s pieces otherwise some bright spark like me might be less than kind when they reply. One more thing, I apologise for ripping your poem up at the start of this post I could have picked out some good points and even thrown in a couple of “Good jobs” but that wouldn’t really have been either an honest or helpful reply. http://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Goldhawk Good advice indeed from Eddie. I would also advocate forgetting about this particular poem. But don’t bin it. Keep it, and if you keep writing and follow Eddie’s advice take it out in say 2 years time and hopefully you’ll be horrified at what you wrote and see a big improvement. At risk of confusing you I’d just make one additional point. Eddie wrote: “At this point most people would advise you to read more poetry and try writing some free verse, my advice is read more poetry and try out some rhymed verse, be warned IT WILL BE VERY VERY BAD, but it will improve. Rhymed verse will teach you structure and form and the importance of imagery and word use.” I’d agree with this except for the “rhymed” bit. I’d say read, and later try and write, lots of structured verse, verse which follows specific forms and meters. If it rhymes well ok, but the rhyme isn’t as important as trying to get to grips with stress patterns in language and then formal meter. Sometimes end-rhyme is too much of a distracting magnet, pulling the new writer constantly towards a fixation with finding perfect rhymes at the expense of everything else. You could for instance as a start learn how to write blank verse which is unrhymed verse written in iambic pentameter (10 syllables, 5 feet) da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM. If you have no idea what I am talking about purchase a copy of Robert Pinsky’s “The Sound of Poetry” (I think I’ve got that title right), you will find it through Amazon. Good luck. Rob Eddie Larkin was a bad boy! But a good poet. So when are you going to reveal this mysterious identity? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Goldhawk, As Eddie pointed out, profanity rarely works in poetry. Almost invariably it simply detracts from the overall quality. I asked the other moderators for an opinion on your poem and the unanimous was that the last line should not be allowed. This was nothing more than a feeble attempt to skirt around our guiidelines. As a result, I have removed the offending part. You still have the rest of the day to correct the edited part if you choose to do so. The software allows 24 hours to edit your own post. Of course, any changes must still be within the rules. BTW, although they don't seem to completely agree, bot Eddie and Rob have offered some valuable advice. Read. Read. Read. But don't stop writing. Keep at it. Listen to the advice you get from more experienced writers. A year from now you will be amazed at how much your writing has improved. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (09-30-2002 10:15 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Profanity in poetry rarely works, huh? I disagree, but using it can be tricky. I don't think the problem with poetry is profanity, but rather, the way it is used. In this poem, it is used to strengthen the appeal to one audience (the rebellious teen) and to enhance the blow against authority, and adults. The biggest problem I see with this poem is that it is very petualnt... meaning, you are speaking from one point of view, which will appeal to one audience (again, rebellious teens), and also, portray the rebellious teens as better than authority, or anybody else. It doesn't work. Attacking somebody in poetry for wronging you reads more like a personal grudge and whining than anything else. I would definitely agree that the trick to writing is to read as much as you can. Hope I've helped. 'Well, I will not be an enemy of anything |
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goldhawk New Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 4 |
I would like to thank eddie, rob, and pete for helping. Perhaps my profanity was out of line but I used it as hush said as the "rebellious teen." I am not big on love poems because I think there are more than enough out there. As a teenager I have learned many lessons already in my life not many at my age has experienced. I am a recovering alcoholic(sp?), I have almost had a baby, but my girlfriend either had an abortion or a miscarriage, and I smoke too much. There are many other things I chose not to tell to the public on what I have done and what little I haven't. Now though I try to teach others these lessons. For example, I have a friend who is very shy and will not stand up for herself. So one day I start putting her down until it got to the point she yelled back. Ever since then, she isn't shy around anybody. Perhaps this was cruel ,but I accomplished my goal. Ok, I got very far off the subject. I just wanted to offer some background into my life. I am buying the book you suggested rob. Also I appreciate no one giving me a "good job" because it forces me to work harder. |
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